Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

March 2017

Innocence - March 31, 2017
In the maternity ward of a hospital, newborn girl baby looks over at newborn boy baby and asks,
"Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"

The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"

"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.

"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty nightshirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties!"


Worst Horse Ever - March 30, 2017

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.

Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."


Winning Arguments - March 29, 2017
One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he quickly hung up when he saw me.

"What were you doing?" I asked him.

"Calling Aunt Sarah."

"How could you have called Aunt Sarah?" I asked. "You don't even know her number."

"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.

I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her number, but he insisted he had made the call.

"Okay," I said finally. "What did she say then, if you called her?"

"She told me I had the wrong number."


Letter of Recommendation - March 28, 2017

When Peters learned that he was being fired after a career of incompetence he went to see the head of human resources.

"Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk.

It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."


Airborne Recruiting - March 27, 2017
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

"What else," I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.

"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."


Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies - March 24, 2017
- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.


Fibs, Truth, Honor - March 23, 2017
Common, Everyday Fibs
* The check is in the mail.
* I'll start my diet tomorrow.
* We service what we sell.
* Give me your number and the doctor will call you right back.
* Money cheerfully refunded.
* One size fits all.
* Your luggage isn't lost, it's only misplaced.
* This hurts me more than it hurts you.
* I just need five minutes of your time.
* Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
* Let's have lunch sometime.
* It's not the money, it's the principle.


Duelling Judges - March 22, 2017
Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"

"Guilty."

"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."

Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler.

"Guilty."

Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."


Last Warning - March 21, 2017
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."

 
Advice - March 20, 2017
A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."

Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."

The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."

"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."


Good for Nothing - March 17, 2017
"My dad is a doctor. I can get sick for nothing," bragged one little boy.

"Big deal," said his friend. "My dad is a minister, and I can be good for nothing."


Flat Tire - March 16, 2017
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.

A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."
The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."


Prescription - March 15, 2017
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."


The Art Of Romance - March 14, 2017
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.


Best Man - March 13, 2017
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.

The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and was watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at the fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."

His girlfriend snuggled closer and said to the surprised young man, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"


Military Computer Manners - March 10, 2017
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision,

"Attack or retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, SIR!"


Patient Confession - March 9, 2017
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"

"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."


Animal Race Stats - March 8, 2017
Some racehorses are staying in a stable.

One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89!"

The horses are clearly amazed.

"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.

"A talking dog."


Riveting Documentary - March 7, 2017
I'm watching a documentary on how they attach those little metal things onto jeans.

It's riveting.


Credit Requests - March 6, 2017
An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."


Arrest at the Gate - March 3, 2017
St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.

"No, it's all right. It won't be long" and he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on.

St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again.
The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"




Children's Attempts At Hymns - March 2, 2017
Sometimes kids get things a little......well, maybe these came from kids:
- Give us this day our deli bread!
- Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
- We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
- Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
- He carrots for you.
- Bringing in the sheets.
- Yield not to Penn Station.
- Dust around the throne.
- Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
- While shepherds washed their socks by night
- He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.


Doctor's Advice - March 1, 2017

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn,

I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
"Sure!" The doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands!"