Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

January 2017


Security Tips - January 30, 2017
The following are notices that homeowners can place in a few strategic locations to keep burglars away.

Dear Butcher: Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Letter Carrier: We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our mail-slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of the openings. PS: Any sign of that book we sent for, "The 
Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Dear Exterminator: Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal

Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.


What Would I Be?
- January 27, 2017
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"


Wet Clothes - January 26, 2017
Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods than any of the others.

Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."


Canned Email Warning - January 25, 2017
WARNING!! There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT!

It is Spam


Vengeance - January 24, 2017
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light.

She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes.

"You're a schoolteacher?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court.

Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"


Birthday Heart Attack - January 23, 2017
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully.
Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud,

"Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."


Knowing Your Spouse - January 20, 2017

One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. 
She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by
her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.


Time to Pick Up - January 19, 2017
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.  When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump.  My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack..."


Phone Calls - January 18, 2017
Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
Caller: I'd like the RSPCA, please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.
Caller: The water board, please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water
Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.
Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.
Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators, please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes.


Give Tech Support A Break - January 17, 2017
Our tech company uses satellite communications to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2pm, the tugboats send data on the day's activities to the company's traffic department.

At least that's how it is supposed to work.

"I got a call from our traffic department saying they only received data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?" the technician Don says.

He calls the satellite company, but the satellite technician there says there's no problem on his end.

Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again - they're still not getting messages from the missing boats.

"So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through," says Don. "The problem apparently cleared itself up."

But he isn't quite satisfied. "I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred."

The satellite company's technician didn't know what happened and didn't have any way of finding out. "In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message," he tells us.

"We could find out those numbers eventually," Don figures.

"Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour," tech continues.

"So I need to get you the identification number within that time?" Don asks.

"Right," says the satellite tech.

"So to summarize," says our tech Don glumly, "we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven't received, within half an hour of not receiving them?"


Songs For People Over 40
- January 16, 2017
*Top 10 Songs for People Over 40*
10. Let's Get a Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap
And the Number One song for people over 40 ...
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door


Successful Marriage - January 13, 2017
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."


Mumba Hunt - January 12, 2017
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has orange and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."

"Go on."  the friend said.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward, just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.

"Have you ever 'goosed' a tiger?"


Dressing The Kids - January 11, 2017
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."

"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."


Trying To Manipulate God - January 10, 2017
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance, he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

Seconds First - January 9, 2017
A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."


Rounded Boulders - January 6, 2017
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging.  One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just

Watching
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch!

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.


Karmel Recipe - January 5, 2017
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.


Hearing Aid - January 4, 2017
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."


Sons-In-Law And Daughters-In-Law - January 3, 2017
Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists 
on taking her out to dinner every night."
"That's sounds lovely," said the woman. "What about your son?"
"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and makes them eat take-out meals!"


Lumberjack - January 2, 2017
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."