Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

November 2016


Jonah Comeback - November 30, 2016
A little girl was talking to her teacher about Jonah being swallowed by a great fish. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though they were large their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a large fish.

The teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


Johnny's F- November 29, 2016
 Little Johnny stared at his test paper.

The big read "F" stared back at him.

Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."


Flower Order - November 28, 2016
By the time the wedding planner finally bothered to order the flowers there were none left. 

The service ended up being quite lackadaisical.


20 Like You - November 25, 2016
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Wow, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."


God's Power - November 24, 2016
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"


Dueling Barbers - November 23, 2016
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.They put up a big bold sign which read:

"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:

"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"


Burns And Benny
- November 22, 2016
Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."


Yogurt Aisle - November 21, 2016
The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.

Investing, Long Term Planning - November 18, 2016
Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."


Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws
- November 17, 2016
No man has ever been shot doing dishes.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.  

He who laughs last thinks slowest.  

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.  
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.  

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.  

The 50-50-90 rule states, "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting  
Something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."  

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.  

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.  

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.  

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.  

God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.  

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.  


One Liners #1 - November 16, 2016
Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.      

Many folks want to serve God,    
But only as advisers.      

It is easier to preach ten sermons      
Than it is to live one.
    
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.    

When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.    

People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.      

Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.    
      
Quit griping about your church;      
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.      
      
If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.      
    

One Liners #2 - November 15, 2016
We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead. So why should you?      
    
Some minds are like concrete      
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.     

Peace starts with a smile.      

I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
      
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
    
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
    
Don' t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
    
Forbidden fruits create many jams.      
      
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.      
      
God grades on the cross, not the curve.

   
One Liners #3 - November 14, 2016
God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
    
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
      
He who angers you, controls you!      
    
If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!      
      
Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!      
    
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.      
    
The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.      
    
We don't change the message,
The message changes us.  
    
You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him/her.
    
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.    


Those wonderful Church Bulletins - November 11, 2016
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------- -------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------- -------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.
‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'
------------- -------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------- -------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Church Bulletins - November 10, 2016
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.

‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Getting Older  - November 9, 2016
  A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because use this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."  

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad , what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


Aging - November 8, 2016
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
 

Waiting in Line - November 7, 2016
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)


Odometers - November 4, 2016
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


Thinking Back… - November 3, 2016
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.


Prayer We All Need To Pray - November 2, 2016
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"


Car Help Line - November 1, 2016
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers.  But, imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
________________________________________
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
________________________________________
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your car stinks!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"
________________________________________
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"