Sorry, God - October 31, 2016
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. On the operating table she had a near-death experience, and was face-to-face with God.
"Is it my time?" she asked.
God replied, "No, you have another 40 years."
Surviving the surgery and with this knowledge in mind, the lady decided that as long as she was in the hospital she might as well make the most of the situation. She had a face-lift, a tummy-tuck, and liposuction. She also had a beautician come to the hospital to dye her hair and give her a makeover.
On the day she was released from hospital, she walked out the door and was immediately by an ambulance in the parking lot - and died.
In heaven she said to God, "I thought you said I had 40 years left."
"Sorry" answered God, "I didn't recognize you!!!"
Duelling Judges - October 28, 2016
Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."
Advice - October 27, 2016
A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."
Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."
The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."
"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."
Blame - October 26, 2016
When the English playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club late at night after witnessing the first presentation of a play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How did your play go tonight, Oscar?
"Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience was a failure."
Home Mechanic Tools - October 25, 2016
Home Mechanics Tools and their usage:
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
More Home Mechanic Tools - October 24, 2016
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Mail Problems - October 21, 2016
Thanks to Kim Harding for day's real life laugh from her family.
Dear Pastor Tim,
This is a true story, My husband's grandmother passed away and for many months afterwards my father-in-law made repeated phone calls to attempt to stop a company from sending mail to the house for his deceased mother.
In frustration, he finally filled out a change of address card changing her address to the Jefferson Memorial Park where she was laid to rest.
It worked! No more mailings came to the house.
Mandatory Attendance - October 20, 2016
It used to be that in order for a college student to receive credit for a particular course, a card that listed his or her courses had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.
Not so with this physics professor. If he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course. On one occasion, a student handed his card to the professor to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.
Now being a quick thinking science major, the student proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the professor.
The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "OK, you look familiar." signed the card.
Attention Drug Dealers - October 19, 2016
Attention Drug Dealers operating in the Randall County area: Tax Season is upon you!
With the April 15th deadline rapidly approaching, we know how hard it can be for you to provide a detailed accounting of your business related income and expenses. Could that late night trip to a remote parking lot be a business expense? Can you claim mileage if using a stolen vehicle for business transactions? What about the expensive spray paint used to redecorate it? Is there a deduction available for the bond money you will need after responding to this offer?
That’s why our Certified Drug Transaction Reporting Specialists will be available, 24/7, FREE of charge, to assist you with analyzing your business dealings. Simply come on down to our offices at 9100 South Georgia Street and ask for the “TAX SECURITY SPECIAL!”Our specialists will sit down with you and go over the details of your operation. Records and receipts of your business expenses and transactions are very helpful.
Great referral benefits if you bring your business partners or refer our services to your friends! If you don’t operate in the Randall County area: NO WORRIES! We have an extensive nationwide network of affiliate branches that we are happy to contact on your behalf to set up a local appointment! As a special bonus to those who respond soon: We will provide you with an all-inclusive vacation to . . . THE POKEY!
Hurry in now!
Space is limited!
No Speaka Da German - October 18, 2016
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
Oil Spill - October 17, 2016
After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.
It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.
Remembering her, the clerk remarked, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"
Perfection - October 15, 2016
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have mixed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
Kids Perspective - October 14, 2016
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
The Difference Of A Year - October 13, 2016
Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain.
I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted.
To her delight, we rode it twice.
The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain.
As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.
"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."
I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.
She replied, "This year, I can read."
Sore Knee - October 12, 2016
Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"
"98!" Johnson announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again.
Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what do you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"
3rd Grader's Explanation Of God - October 11, 2016
Written by Danny, age 8, from California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
"You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
"And that's why I believe in God."
Grumbling - October 10, 2016
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
She thought about this a moment, then asked, "Does he hear what we say when we're not praying too?"
"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
His pride however was quickly turned to humility when she asked:
"Then which does God believe?"
Commando Moses - October 7, 2016
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Encouragement - October 6, 2016
While visiting the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.
"We're coming to a hill," the woman announced to her children, "so you'll have to help me. Are you ready?"
I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement:
"I think I can, I think I can..."
Shopping Vengence - October 5, 2016
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Read The Label - October 4, 2016
It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.
After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf.
The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.
When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet.
Her response still rings in my ears - "I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!"
After shaving my armpits, attempting to lift my arms, and enduring hours of laughter by my entire family, I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing.
Thankfulness - October 3, 2016
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.