Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

May 2016


First Impressions - May 31, 2016
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"


Hair Curlers - May 30, 2016
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.

The other night she came into the Family Room as I was watching TV.

I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."

The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"


Horseshoe Superstition - May 27, 2016
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.

The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"

Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"


Lingering Hug - May 26, 2016

We had made some changes in our lives.

My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.

When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply.

"But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."


Golfing Seniors - May 25, 2016

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "My friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"


Cussing Deacon - May 24, 2016
A preacher had a deacon in his church who had a bad habit of cussing.

In his attempt to help the deacon overcome this terrible habit, the preacher decided he should spend some personal time with him.  So, he invited him to go fishing.

They were both out in a boat and had their lines in the water when the preacher hooked a big one.  He worked it for a long time and finally got the fish up to the edge of the boat when the line broke and the fish got away.

Thoroughly disgusted, the preacher looked over and said, "Deacon, something needs to be said!'


How children perceive their grandparents - May 23, 2016
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.  After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."
A third child brought the argument to a close.  "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog or their grandkids.


Hawaii Or Havaii - May 20, 2016

These two persons are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced 'Havaii,' or 'Hawaii.'

So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. So they asked a gentleman: 'Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?''

The gentleman said, 'Havaii.'

So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, 'Thank you.'

The gentleman replied by saying, 'You're velcome.'


Let's Play House - May 19, 2016
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare one day.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl nodded and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."


Rejected Rejection - May 18, 2016
Re: Rejected Rejection

Dear Ms. Ezell:

Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely, Marc Taylor


Addicted To Smoking - May 17, 2016
Middlesbrough, England - Yvonne Stubbs has decided to give up smoking, not for health reasons, but to help cure her pet dog's 20-a-day addiction to cigarettes.

Her dog Patch, a Jack Russell, immediately attacks the ash tray when she puts out a cigarette. He is addicted to chewing the tobacco and likes to spit out the filters. If Patch goes for too long without a cigarette, he whines and makes begging noises until he gets what he wants.

His owner has even considered getting him a nicotine patch. "I don't begrudge anybody a cigarette, but this is ridiculous. He doesn't like whole cigarettes, just the ends.

I would try nicotine patches on him, but I don't know where I'd put them and he'd just scratch them off," said Stuffs.

In the meantime, she and her daughter are trying to stop smoking to encourage Patch to give up the habit as well.


Self-Consciousness At The Gym - May 16, 2016

I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous.

However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look.

Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.


Computer Acronyms - May 16, 2016
For those computer literate souls out there:

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW - World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers


Motherly Help - May 13, 2016
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"


What Time Is It? - May 12, 2016
On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference:

•    If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

•    If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.

•    If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

•    If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

•    If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.

•    If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."


AMAP - May 11, 2016
The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee.

"I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"


Parenting Challenges - May 10, 2016

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.

One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was trailing a frazzled mother with two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.

"If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"


How to speak English Properly  - May 9, 2016
1.    Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2.    Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3.    And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4.    It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5.    Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6.    Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7.    Be more or less specific.
8.    Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9.    Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10.    No sentence fragments.
11.    Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12.    Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13.    Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14.    One should NEVER generalize.
15.    Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16.    Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17.    One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18.    Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19.    The passive voice is to be ignored.
20.    Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
21.    Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22.    Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23.    Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
24.    Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
25.    If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26.    Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27.    Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28.    Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29.    Who needs rhetorical questions?
30.    Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
   And the last one...
31.    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


Decisions - May 6, 2016
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."


Does It Hurt? - May 5, 2016
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life.

As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"

"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.

"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"


Discipleship - May 4, 2016
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."

The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."


Beginning School - May 3, 2016
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on.

Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.

"What? Again?" he asked.


Prayer In School - May 2, 2016
Being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instil a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self-esteem.

]You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet, you expect me..... NOT TO PRAY?"