Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

March 2016


Pop Please - March 30, 2016
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.

She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.


Power Of Suggestion - March 29, 2016
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported from Italy."


Squirrel Solution - March 29, 2016
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Lutheran church and the Catholic church.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations.  So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.  Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Lutherans who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution.  They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.


Trapper's Stove - March 28, 2016
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."


Doctor's Bill - March 25, 2016
Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."


Tennis Ball Lesson - March 24, 2016
A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.

No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ...

A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball ...

No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!


Going to a Lecture - March 23, 2016
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.


Mother's Flu - March 22, 2016
(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her meaning husband.)
Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator.
Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.


Volunteering - March 21, 2016
One of those physical fitness club franchises was preparing to enter the international market. They placed ads in newspapers all over the county for people who could represent them on a tour. The ad said:

"We're looking for five men in peak physical condition. Must be able to speak Spanish, French, Chinese, or Japanese. Must be knowledgeable about weights, aerobics, and at least two major sports."

The day after the ad appeared, a heavy old man of about 70 appeared in the offices of the fitness club. "I'm here about the ad," Morris said.

The bronzed Adonis behind the desk looked surprised, but decided to be polite. "Do you speak Spanish or French?" he asked Morris.

"Nope," the old man said.

"Chinese? Japanese?"

"No, both times."

"Know anything about weights or aerobic exercises?"

"Only that I wouldn't be caught dead with either one."

"How about sports?"

"I've never played anything more athletic than checkers."

"I see," the young man said. "Tell me something. So why did you come here?"

"To tell you personally to count me out!"


Bearly Preaching - March 18, 2016
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".  One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard.  A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven-day experiment.  They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first.  "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr.  Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism.  Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot.  So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb.  The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next.  He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V.  drip.  In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK!  I went out and I FOUND me a bear.  And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD!  But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  I SAY NO!  He wanted NOTHING to do with me.  So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle.  We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come to a crick.  So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul.  An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

Next, the first two both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed.  He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.  The rabbi looks up and says "Oy!  You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."


Getting Older - March 17, 2016
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.

One day Amy was upset because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cried.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replied Jamie.

"Yes," answered Amy, "but your husband's an antique dealer!"


Humility - March 16, 2016
A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.

Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, "No no, sir. You must not applaud."

Dumbfounded, he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."

"No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech."


Church Feud - March 15, 2016

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'


Medieval History - March 14, 2016
My friend, an American history professor at Mount Union College in Ohio, was asked to teach a medieval history class.

Not an expert on the Middle Ages, he was concerned about what he'd be able to offer the students. But his fears were soon laid to rest.

During the first class, he asked the students, "Why are you taking this medieval history course?"

A freshman piped up, "Because I really like the 1800's."


A Good Job Done - March 11, 2016

The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed, "because you only left with seven."


Hit and Run - March 10, 2016

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said.  "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.


Daytime Television - March 9, 2016

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"

"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."

"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."

"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment."


Expert Testimony - March 8, 2016
Arthur C. Clarke, who wrote the science fiction novel 2001: A Space Odyssey, was also a scientist.

He received a telegram from newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst demanding, "Is there life on Mars? Cable one thousand words."

Clarke wired back: "Nobody knows. Repeat five hundred times."


Important Notice! - March 7, 2016
Employees dying on the job are failing to fall down. 

This practice must stop as it becomes impossible to distinguish between death and the natural movement of the staff. 

Any employees found dead in the upright position will be dropped from the payroll.


New Golfer - March 4, 2016
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner.


Nun on the Run - March 3, 2016

A nun stepped out of the doctor's office, saying her rosary rather loudly as she hurried down the hospital corridor.

Another doctor witnessed this, and went to ask her doctor about it.

"Hey, what happened?  The nun ran out of her praying her rosary as though it were the end of the world!"

"Oh, I just told her she was pregnant." The first doctor replied.

"Oh my!  Is she?"

"No, but it sure cured her hiccups!"


Newlywed Grace - March 2, 2016
A recently married man was walking with his father one day and said:

"My new wife's cooking is so bad, we pray AFTER we eat!"


Homework Policy - March 1, 2016
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

•    15 minutes looking for assignment.
•    11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
•    23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
•    8 minutes in the bathroom.
•    10 minutes getting a snack.
•    7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
•    6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
•    10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.