Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

February 2016

Jonah  Comeback - February 29, 2016
A little girl was talking to her teacher about Jonah being swallowed by a great fish. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though they were large their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a large fish.

The teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


Looking Funny - February 26, 2016
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work.

Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.


Marriage Teamwork - February 25, 2016
A Police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

The driver says, "But officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Come on, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut!"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seatbelt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now dear you know very well you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE QUIET??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh heavens no, officer," she sweetly replies, "only when he's been drinking."


On Time - February 24, 2016

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.

"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."


Laziness - February 23, 2016
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.


Prison vs. Work - February 22, 2016

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.


Laziness - February 19, 2016
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”



Missionary Soup - February 18, 2016
Two missionaries get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!

He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."


Lost Gas Cap - February 17, 2016
David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

And this one's even better because it locks ..."


Circus Try Out - February 16, 2016
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to Morris, the circus impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground landing softly on the toe of one foot.

Morris stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"


Personal Contact - February 15, 2016

Apparently not everyone is fed up with telephone-answering machines. At the newspaper office where I work, we have several of them for different departments.

However, while on the evening shift I answer the newsroom phone. I took one call and heard a woman exclaim: "Oh! I thought I was going to get a machine. I'll call back in the morning." And she hung up.


Quit Bothering Us - February 12, 2016
We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.

Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.

I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work."


Adoption - February 11, 2016

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, "I know all about adoption, I was adopted."

"What does it mean to be adopted?", asked another child

"It means", said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!"


Fed Up Husband - February 10, 2016
A husband and wife had been married only a few short years, and he was getting fed up with being bossed around by his wife; so he went to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist told the husband that he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a booklet on assertiveness to read.

By the time he reached home, he had finished reading the booklet. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife, pointed a finger in her face and said,

"From now on, I want you to know that 'I" am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And then when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director?" replied his wife.


Hunting Prayer - February 9, 2016
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."


How To Lose Your First Case - February 8, 2016
A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.

A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."


Signs That You're Suffering Burnout - February 5, 2016
10.  You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9.  Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!"

8.  When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."

7.  You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6.  You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to chew.

5.  Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.

4.  You sleep more in class than at home.

3.  You leave for a party and instinctively bring your book bag.

2.  Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

1.  You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.


Time to Wave - February 4, 2016
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."


Movie Critic - February 3, 2016
I overheard two children discussing their selection in the video area of a store.

One boy took Disney's CINDERELLA off the shelf, pointed to the drawing of the title character on the cover, and said, "Oh, she's really good. I saw her in ALICE IN WONDERLAND."


Arrogance - February 2, 2016

I've long maintained that the distinction between "professionals" and "amateurs" is often very slight, often amounting to little more than that the former are paid and the latter are not. This is in no small measure because professional arrogance has been known to become intolerable if left unchecked.

So it happened that a patient was making his first visit to the doctor. "And whom," began the physician with utmost dignity, "did you consult about your illness before you came to me?"

"Only the pharmacist down at the corner," replied the patient.

The doctor could not conceal his contempt for the medical advice of the great "unwashed," who are not qualified to practice medicine.

"And what sort of ridiculous advice did that fool give you?"

"He told me," replied the patient innocently, "to come and see you ..."


Generation Gap - February 1, 2016
I've got 3 TVs, cable and a satellite dish. I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone and one in the car.

I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and the network news every evening.

And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.