Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

January 2016


Ticketing Mom? - January 29, 2016
Thanks to Kathy Edwards for submitting this true story.  She wrote, "Pastor Tim, This really happen to me when I was in the police academy....

One day the instructor asked us a very simple question......What would you do if you saw your mother run a red light....

A. pull her over and give her a ticket...
B. pull her over and give her a warning....or
C. just let her go, after all she is your mother?

When it came my turn to answer everybody looked my way because I was always cutting up in class...but being very serious I said..."The first thing I would do would be call for back-up"

Another woman in the class said, "it was very apparent that I knew nothing about the law."

To which I answered that it was apparent that she knew NOTHING ABOUT MY MOTHER!!!....

P.S....On the state exam I was the only one who answered the question correctly.


Johnny Hollers - January 28, 2016
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny (a future lawyer) hollers out,

"Okay, everyone in the house, please be advised that I, little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"


Vat A Co - January 27, 2016
Many years ago, my father was visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.

He said he wanted to go with me to the supermarket, so I invited him along.

As he went up & down the aisles with me, at the local Giant Food Store, he constantly asked me questions about products he saw.

"Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" asked my dad.

I said, "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."

A few minutes later, in a different aisle, dad blurted out, "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?"

I said, "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle, my dad yelled out,

"Und give a look here!! Baby Powder!! Vat a country, vat a country!"


Guilt vs. Repentance - January 26, 2016
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lie's and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS.

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $2,500.00.

If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest".


Honest Toy Disclaimers - January 25, 2016
* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
* Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
* Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
* Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
* Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
* Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
* NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
* Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.


Compromise and Adjustment - January 22, 2016
Jane had developed a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf," "Pot Roast," "Steak and Vegetables," "Chicken and Dumplings," or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, whenever she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner he never asked for any of those meals so she decided to stock the freezer with what he really asked for.

In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food.


Why Men Are Not Secretaries - January 21, 2016
Why Men Are Not Secretaries:
Husband's note on refrigerator to wife:

"Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.  They said the Pabst Beer is normal.  I didn't know you liked beer."


Peanut Visit - January 20, 2016
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation.  As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

"Mind if I have a few" he asks.

"No, not at all" the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few
peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."

"Oh that's all right" the elderly woman says.

"Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."


Bridge Comeback - January 19, 2016
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when a sign came up that read "low bridge ahead."

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.  Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.  The officer gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


Dress Code - January 18, 2016
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."


Opportunity - January 15, 2016
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely,
the Opportunist.


Supermarket Saavy - January 14, 2016 

One day my brother-in-law noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot.

Ever courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her.

The woman struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up.

At the entrance, he said, "Here you go, Ma'am," and gave her the cart.

Catching her breath, she said, "Thank you, but I was using it to lean on."



School - January 13, 2016
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:        Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:      Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O   

TEACHER:      Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
 CLYDE   :        No sir, It's the same dog.   

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:    A teacher


Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated - January 12, 2016
~ Never date anyone who is rude to the waiter/waitress.
~ Never date anyone who is rude to their mother.
~ If they have a tendency to be rude to you now, just wait.
~ If you date someone who doesn't share your standards, they'll lower yours.
~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
~ If he/she says you're too good for him/her, believe it.
~ If they have a tough time apologizing now, just wait.
~ Never date anyone who spends more time gazing into the mirror, than they spend gazing into your eyes.

Disneyland - January 11, 2016
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.


Florida or Moon - January 8, 2016
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,

'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says

'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'


Children in Church - January 7, 2016
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard. By the time he reached the pulpit.When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,"I was being the Ring Bear."


A Child's Prayer - January 6, 2016
One Sunday in a Midwest City. A young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"


A Four Year Old's Prayer - January 5, 2016
One particular four-year old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


Being a Good Boy - January 4, 2016
A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."


Quiet in Church - January 1, 2016
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."