Eye Test Chart - April 29, 2016
When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to a
ophthalmologist in Prague.
The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the
letters CVKPNWXSCZ.
"Can you read that?" the doctor asked.
"Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I dated
his sister!"
Whispering in Church - April 28, 2016
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to
pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate
to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee'
just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his
Father and during the service said to his father,
"Daddy, I have to whisper."
The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you
whisper in my ear."
Weight For Help - April 27, 2016
Somewhat skeptical of his son's new found determination to
become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the
weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.
"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise
I'll use 'em every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on
your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.
"They're not cheap either," the father came back.
"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and
headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp,
"What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"
Grandpa's Prayers - April 26, 2016
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving,
Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer
over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather
(to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food.
With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather
and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you
Grandpa?"
Growing Up Speaking English - April 25, 2016
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a
bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got
number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Popping Ears - April 22, 2016
Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was
taking her very first flight.
They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady
complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum,
assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the
stewardess.
"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but
tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"
Long Marriages - April 21, 2016
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet
celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the
benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all
those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the
best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint,
forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if
you'd stayed single."
Speeding Rumors - April 20, 2016
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the
following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my
5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw
the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and
killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver
to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see
if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you
said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk was opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you
said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Pull Over Cookies - April 19, 2016
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I
was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.
Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I
gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and
proceeded on my way.
A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.
"What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling.
"I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip
cookies."
Consistency, Mentoring - April 18, 2016
An English teacher often wrote little notes on student
essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting
deteriorated.
One day a student came to her after class with an essay that
had been returned. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my
paper." , he said
The teacher took the paper and, after studying it,
sheepishly replied,
"It says that you should write more legibly!"
Bible Meaning - April 15, 2016
A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you
'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible
mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied
excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
Breakable Commands - April 14, 2016
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the
postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
Morning Word - April 13, 2016
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people
in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Lord, it's morning."
Resisting Temptation - April 12, 2016
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't
give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
Financial News - April 11, 2016
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced
to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."
Energy Efficiency - April 8, 2016
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust."
Our Creative God - April 7, 2016
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said
the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...
"
Last Minute Fill Up - April 6, 2016
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas
just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there
were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a
vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry
about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready
for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business."
In Need of Attention - April 5, 2016
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church,
and the center of attention.
Fearful Lesson - April 4, 2016
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what
the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get
your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day,
the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Church Repairs - April 1, 2016
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was
going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were
expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find
that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the
last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said
impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost
twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge
$100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The
Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When
you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When
he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you are about
to forward this message.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated
him!!! Any other takers?
