Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2015


Adam First Clothes - December 31, 2015

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out..

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,

"It's Adam 's suit".


Restrained Preacher - December 30, 2015
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks,

A little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,

"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Church Ushers - December 29, 2015
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

"See those two men standing by the door?

They're hushers."


Similarities - December 28, 2015
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.


Bible Version - December 25, 2015
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,

"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"


A Sunday school Lesson - December 24, 2015
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."


Pet Lobsters - December 23, 2015
After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.  He is approached by the game warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.  Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.  The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"


Talking Horse - December 22, 2015
A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him,
"Hey! Come over here, buddy!" The jogger is stunned, but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me???"

The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch.

The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

Says the farmer, "Son, I know what you are thinking, but you can't believe everything you hear. He's never even been to Kentucky."


Do You Have a Life? - December 21, 2015
Have you ever been embarrassed by misunderstanding something somebody said?

It happened to me a few days ago.

I was on a public bus. I was bored, so I was playing Tetris on my cell phone. An elderly woman was sitting across from me, and I heard her ask, "Do you have a life?"
I guessed she was making a snide remark about my not having anything better to do on the bus than to play a silly little game on an electronic device, but I didn't dare use a snide response. So I just said, "Yes, I do."

Then she responded, "Where is it?"

I supposed that this was either an odd way to articulate her disbelief in my having a life, or some weird sort of philosophical catechism regarding life. I had trouble answering, but I said, "Uh ... that's a hard question to answer. It isn't a physical object of which you can pinpoint the location." I didn't say much more about it, because I didn't want to get into a religious discussion of the location of life with her.

Then she replied in the way I least expected, "Yeah, whatever. Can I borrow it for a sec?"

I thought it was extremely odd for her to ask to borrow my life. It also piqued my curiosity about her intentions. So I said, "Er ... how would you propose I do that?"

"Look, just give it to me, I'll use it for a little bit and give it back to you."

I figured that before she chanted some incantation directing spirits to temporarily donate my life, I would at least find out why she wanted my life. So I ask just that, "What do you want my life for?"

She gave me a puzzled look.

From our following discourse, which I do not remember very well, I found out that she was actually asking me if I had a cigarette lighter. ("Do you have a light?")

I can only imagine how odd my responses seemed to her.


Why Go to Church? - December 18, 2015

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"


The Picnic - December 17, 2015
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."


The Usher - December 16, 2015
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really
boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.


Show and Tell - December 15, 2015
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."


The Best Way To Pray - December 14, 2015
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


The Twenty and the One - December 11, 2015
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


Goat for Dinner - December 10, 2015

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While
they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son
what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "


Evaluation Excerpts - December 9, 2015
These are actual excerpts from college course evaluation forms:
1. "The textbook is almost useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
3. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
4. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
5. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
6. "Textbook is confusing; someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
8. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
9. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
10. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose-spraying in all directions - no way to stop it."
11. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin CDs that I used while doing the problem sets."
12. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam."


Lawn Ornaments - December 7, 2015
Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop:"Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandma in bloomers."

Cashier reply's:
"That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"


Self-Righteousness - December 7, 2015
Jones jumped up from the card table white with rage.

"Stop this game," he shouted, "Smith is cheating!"

"How do you know?"

"He's not playing the hand I dealt him."


Too Distant / Too Close - December 4, 2015
The showers in my daughter's dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn others, residents would yell out, "Flushing!" each time they flushed the toilets.

During one of my daughter's visits home, a friend stopped by to chat for a while. I was explaining how my daughter was acting more distant now that she was in college, and that she didn't tell me all about her life the way she used to.

Suddenly we heard my daughter call out from the bathroom, "Flushing!"
"Wow!" said my friend, "How much more do you want to know?"


Invitation - December 3, 2015
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"


Golf Comeback - December 2, 2015
(This joke is based on an actual event which is a part of golf lore around the world).

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs. When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?"

And he said, "I left my car keys in the bag."


Home Is Like That - December 1, 2015
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.  It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.  As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking.  The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams.  The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."