Car Trouble - November 30, 2015
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
Speeding Ticket - November 27, 2015
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
River Walk - November 26, 2015
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
At the Doctors Office - November 25, 2015
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Knitting - November 24, 2015
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
Blond on the Sun - November 23, 2015
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
In a Vacuum - November 19, 2015
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
Dogs Names - November 18, 2015
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Good News - November 17, 2015
•The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
•They say the house didn't float very far at all.
•The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.
•Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.
•The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
•The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
•The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
•Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.
•The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.
Practical Marriage - November 16, 2015
A Pastor was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel him. The Pastor asked several questions.
"Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Christian woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.
"She is allowed to drive at night," the old man said.
Johnny In The Garden - November 13, 2015
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.
When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "The mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.
Idealism - November 12, 2015
My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.
When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks.
"Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
Top Ten Signs You've Bought a Lemon of a Car - November 11, 201510. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
1. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.
Family Moving - November 10, 2015
When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have.
One item was beautiful but very heavy - an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.
"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."
"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"
Church Bulletin Humor - November 9, 2015
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear
- Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
- If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
- Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.
Each member bring a sandwich.
Polly Phillips will give the medication.
- Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."
- Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.
- If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
- We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
- Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
- Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
- Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
- Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
- The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
- The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.
- As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.
More Church Bulletin Humor - November 6, 2015
- Fifth Sinday is Lent.
- Thank you, dead friends.
- Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
- Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
- Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
- For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.
- Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.
- Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.
- Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
- The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
- Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
- Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess
- We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell - November 5, 2015
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David… He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Good Samaritan - November 4, 2015
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and Bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.
If They Had a Doting Mother - November 3, 2015
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
What is a grandmother? - November 2, 2015
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.)
A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandmothers don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.