Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

August 2015


Call Me Leroy - August 31, 2015
Uncle Leroy got a job down at the broom factory.

On his first day the straw boss (floor supervisor) calls ol' Leroy into his little office and says, "You
the new man huh? What is yer name?"

Leroy replied, "Leroy"

The straw boss says "I don't call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my authority. I refer to all employees by last names; now what is your last name!"

Leroy smiles and says, "Its Darling - Leroy Darling!

The straw boss said "Now Leroy the next thing . . . . "


Chivalry - August 28, 2015

The escalator was broken, and the only way out of the airport was up a flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee.

I began dragging my bag and was making a loud thud on every step when a man behind me grabbed it and carried it to the top.

"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him.

"Chivalry had nothing to do with it," he said. "I've got a splitting headache."


Pretzel Charity - August 27, 2015
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."



Money and Friends - August 26, 2015
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to ans said, "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, "He can hang out with the faculty."


It Sure Is - August 25, 2015
An elderly couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone rang.

The husband got out of bed and went into the living room (parlor) to answer the phone.

His wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver (remember
those) and went back to bed.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" again and then he said, "Sure is." again. He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

The wife asked who it was. The man said he didn't know.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

The wife asked again about the caller. The man said he didn't know who it was.

The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say?

He said, "It's odd, a woman just keeps saying, "Long distance from Chicago."


Went To A Movie - August 24, 2015
I went to a movie . . . there and back again: This is becoming Hobbit-forming.


First Impressions - August 21, 2015
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."


Banking Woes - August 20, 2015
The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."


Hearing Help - August 19, 2015
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said.  "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck.  "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied.  "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"


Southern Hospitality - August 18, 2015
A very gentle southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please sir, don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

Grasping for any opportunity, she cried, "Think of your job, the work still to be done."

"I was fired today and have no prospect of another job."

Running out of ideas, she appealed to his patriotism and said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart sugar, just go ahead and jump."


Dictionary of Project Terms - August 17, 2015
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties -- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough -- Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research -- It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured -- We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period -- We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying -- It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem -- We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive -- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned -- The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties -- We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.


Dinner Guests - August 14, 2015
The hostess (with a daughter of marriageable age - of long duration) sent out an invitation to an officer who was supposed to be the prospective suitor of her daughter's hand.

"Mr. and Mrs. Dabney request the pleasure of Captain Black's company at dinner on the 16th of September."

She was somewhat dismayed to receive the enthusiastic reply:

"With the exception of four men on leave, and two sick, Captain Black's company accept with much pleasure your invitation to dinner on the 16th of September."


Family Pressure - August 13, 2015
Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers:

"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns."

"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!"

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"


Medical Filter - August 12, 2015

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics.

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. 

A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.  "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.


How to write a College Paper - August 11, 2015
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.
23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.


Golfing Nun - August 10, 2015

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

'Is that when you swore?'

"No, Mother," says the nun.  "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun.  "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet.  As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"


Parenting Idea - August 7, 2015
I was with a friend in a cafe' when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.

"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me.

"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'.

Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."


Ministry Frustrations - August 5, 2015
A new young minister got his first charge - a tiny church way out on the prairies. He traveled from the big city early to familiarize himself with the parish, and visited the church on Wednesday. It was dark and dreary inside, and remembering the suggestion that he find a cause to get the congregation working together, he got the bright idea that hey should raise funds to buy a chandelier to hang in the middle of the sanctuary, and spent the next three days preparing his sermon.
On Sunday morning he spent twenty minutes telling the congregation how great it would be to have a chandelier, He chandeliered this - and he chandeliered that, and finished his sermon with a big pitch for funds with which to buy a glorious chandelier that would mean so much to the people of this parish. He felt after all the handshakes, and seeing the families off that he had made a successful presentation.

After three weeks, having heard no feedback he stopped one of the elders on the way out and asked him the direct question. What are you going to do about the chandelier? Oh, we talked about that and decided against it - you see nobody around here knows how to spell that word - so even if we got one of them things - there's not a soul within a hundred miles who knows how to play one - and furthermore, what this church really needs is more lights.


Geezer and the Doctor - August 5, 2015
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get and easy extra $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired:

Dr. Young:  "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer:  "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young is annoyed and goes back after a couple of days to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young:  "Oh no you don't,  --  that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young, having now lost $1000, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak  ---  I can hardly see."
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "!


Questions Asked at National Parks - August 4, 2015
*Everglades National Park:*
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

*Mesa Verde National Park:*
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

*Carlsbad Caverns National Park:*
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

*Yosemite National Park:*
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

*Denali National Park:*
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

*Yellowstone National Park:*
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?


Dieting Dads - August 3, 2015
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthy items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.

The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual."

"Why is that?" the mother asked.

"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.