Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

July 2015


Second Time July 31, 2015
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.  The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs.  Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?!  She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!  Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother!  I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.  About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.  I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"


Yes, Always Officer - July 30, 2015 A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road.
She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"


Public Speaking - July 29, 2015
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep It Short Stupid."


Celebrating the Raise - July 28, 2015
My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.

The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."


Wrong Chanel - July 27, 2015
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer.

"She's expecting a cruise."


Dating Questions - July 24, 2015
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"

In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"

In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"

Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"


Marriage Secret - July 23, 2015
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,

"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Translation Please
A French guest, staying in a American hotel called room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!


Beauty Cosmetics - July 22, 2015
Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."


Finding Good Help - July 21, 2015
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was arrested.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.

A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did he play?"


Missing 105 - July 20, 2015
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.

Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice.  "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered.

"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day.  But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.  So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"


Young Man's Disorder - July 17 2015
A young man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder.

"Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist.

"As soon as I fall asleep and begin to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"


Five Year Old Speaks - July 16, 2015
A five-year old boy had never spoken a single word.

One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, "Until now, everything's been great."


Investments - July 15, 2015 STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Ha ha ha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.


July 14, 2015 - Wedding Verses
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":

"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."


MIT PHD - July 13, 2015
There's the story about the MIT student who spent an entire summer going to Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt.  Each day he was seen walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game.
When the referee walked onto the field and blew his whistle, the game had to be delayed for half an hour to wait for the birds to get off the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.


English Subtitles - July 10, 2015
The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong.
* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
* Gun wounds again?
* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
* I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
* I will surround their house by myself.
* You daring lousy guy.
* Beat him out of recognizable shape!
* I have been scared silly too much lately.
* I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
* Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
* The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
* The Americans will not save you for Christmas.
* Both of you will die when the sun hits the bell.
* You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.


July 8, 2015 - False Teachers, Following
The following caption was found written on a gravestone...

"As I am now, you soon shall be,

So be content to follow me."

Then someone taped the following note on that gravestone...

"To follow you I'm not content,

Until I know which way you went!"

Will to Marry - July 8, 2015 A millionaire informed his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is to inherit everything, but ONLY if she remarries within six months of my death."

"Why such an odd stipulation?" asked the attorney.

"Because," he said, "I just want to make sure that at least one person is sorry I died."


Football Tryouts - July 7, 2015
A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.
"I hate to give away my secrets," he replied, "but I'll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running.

Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards. Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles."


Cat's Guide For Human Care - July 6, 2015
More Excerpts from "The Cat's Guide To Caring For Your Human."
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.sable thumbs will only take you so far.


Warning - July 3, 2015
Hey all, I am not usually in scare-mongering and internet-based rumor spreading, however this came to me earlier to day and it is something I felt I ought to share.  I am sure that like minded people will understand/appreciate this warning.

Yesterday my Auntie's friend's daughter was on the on the train traveling from Johannesburg to Cape Town.  A man of Arabic- appearance got off the train and she noticed that he had left his bag behind.  She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the stairs and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of bank notes.  He offered her a reward, but she refused.

So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to her: "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to with a word of advice for you."

"Stay away from The Hard Rock Cafe"

She was terrified.  "Is there going to be an attack?" she whispered.

"No" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening - the food was terrible and the waitress was rude."


Shy Visit To The Dentist -July 2, 2015
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?" No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"


Honesty and Conscience - July 1, 2015
It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows:

"You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I'd be up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud."