Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

May 2015


May 29, 2015 - Silence

Silence is golden unless you have a toddler - then, silence is just suspicious.


May 28, 2015 - Dead Donkey
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."


May 27, 2015 - Checking In
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.

He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Brad, open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"

"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"


May 26, 2015 - Workin' on the Railroad
Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?""Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."

This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"
"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"


May 25, 2015 - Details

A man walked into a very expensive bakery shop where they specialized in making cakes to order.

"I'd like you to bake me a cake in the shape of the letter "S," he said. "Can you do that?"

"Why certainly!" said the baker. "We can make a cake in any shape at all. When would you like it to be ready.?"

"Have it ready by tomorrow at 3 o'clock, I'll call for it," said the man.

The next day at three o'clock, the man came in for his cake. The baker proudly displayed the cake he had made. It was shaped like the letter S and decorated beautifully.

"Oh!" cried the man. "That's all wrong! That's not what I want. You made it in the shape of a regular printed S. I wanted a graceful script S. That won't do at all!"

"I'm terribly sorry you're so disappointed," said the baker. "We aim to please. I'll make you another cake at no extra charge. Don't worry."

All right, then," said the man. "I'll be back at 6 o'clock for the cake. And this time I hope it's right."

At six o'clock the man came in. The baker brought in the new cake. He was all smiles. "Isn't this a beauty!' he exclaimed.

The man looked at the cake. His face lit up.

"That's perfect!" he said. "Just what I wanted."

"I'm delighted," said the baker. "Now tell me, sir, what kind of a box shall I put it in?"

"Oh, don't bother wrapping it up," said the man, "I'll eat it here."


May 22, 2015 - More Bumper Stickers

* FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
* I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
* I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
* What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
* Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
* To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt her.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* A closed mouth gathers no foot.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Where there's smoke, there's dinner.


May 21, 2015 - Cartoonist News Flash

Newsflash: Cartoonist found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


May 20, 2015 - Guidance

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse.

But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.

As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.


May 19, 2015 - Yesterday Computer Song

Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version.

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.

May 18, 2015 - Red Lights
I hate red lights at intersections: They make me cross.


May 15, 2015 - Optimism
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."


May 14, 2015 - More Ways To Drive A Man Crazy

~ Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.
~ Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
~ Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
~ Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
~ Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.


May 13, 2015 - Ways To Drive A Man Crazy

~ "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
~ Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
~ Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
~ Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."
~ Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
~ Have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
~ Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
~ Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
~ Superglue the pages of his Sport Illustrated magazine together.


May 12, 2015 - Outhouse Confession
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why...

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!!"


May 11, 2015 - Donut Thinking

You're thinking donuts. I'm thinking donuts.

We must be éclairvoyant.


May 8, 2015 - Caught in the Act
Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."


May 7, 2015 - Newspaper Typo

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper.

"Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday.  The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.'

You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' - I had the biggest crowd of the year."


May 6, 2015 - Hymns For The Aging

Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up)

It is Well with My Soul (but my back hurts)

Nobody Knows the Trouble I have Seeing

Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)

Just a Slower Walk With Thee

Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

Go Tell It on the Mountain (And Speak Up)

Give Me that Old Timers Religion

Blessed Insurance

Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I've forgotten where I parked)


May 5, 2015 - Monopoly

You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

May 4, 2015 - Stolen Office
"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down… You have my Word."


May 1, 2015 - Communion

Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...

"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"