Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.
April 30, 2015 - The Knight
A doctor makes a great medical discovery for which the Queen has decided to grant him knighthood. At the ceremony, as she touches his shoulders with the sword, he is supposed to recite an ancient Celtic blessing.
However, for all his medical genius, the doctor cannot seem to memorize the required Celtic words. On the day of his investiture, the nervous doctor waits his turn as several others are being knighted before him. As he listens to one after another correctly recite the Celtic blessing, he grows more and more nervous.
Finally, when he kneels before the Queen of England and she taps his shoulders with the sword, the good doctor completely forgets the Celtic words, and substitutes the first foreign words that pop into his head: "Ma Nishtahnah
Ha Lailah Ha Zeh."
The Queen, clearly confused, looked to the gathered crowd, and says, "Why is this Knight different from all the other Knights?"
April 29, 2015 - Favorite Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite rugalahs wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven; there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite rugulahs.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the rugalah was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a rugalah at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Don't touch," she said, "they're for the shiva."
April 28, 2015 - Proverbs / Folk-Sayings
If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!
Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.
Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.
Cancer--schmancer! -- as long as you're healthy.
Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.
If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.
You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.
If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.
You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.
Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.
One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in bed until noon.
For dying, you always have time.
When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.
Silence is the fence around wisdom.
April 27, 2015 - The Cost Of Farming
A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money."Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"
"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
April 24, 2015 - Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
April 23, 2015 - More Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
April 22, 2015 - Nina's Mouth
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
April 21, 2015 - Ready For A Change?
A year ago today I was watching the evening news when my phone rang. I paused my PVR, took the call, and then turned back to the TV where I was greeted by this question on the frozen screen, "Are you ready for a change?"
Instantly, I felt in the grip of an appointment I had not made with God, but that God had made with me - perhaps even for me. I paused for a little while and stared at the screen and wondered what responding in the affirmative would mean. I answered, "Yes." and took a picture of this milestone message on an old tube TV.
As is usually the case, saying yes to change turned my life upside down and then left me sideways. In September, October, and November God allowed me to experience epic moments of change that all combined to begin a new epoch in my life.
I cannot yet see the long term result of what change has stirred up within me. Sometimes I am fine with that.
Other times I long for the morphing cloud of what is new to finally settle so I can map out the renewed me and better know the path I am already on.
My comfort in both times (and your comfort in such times) is to know the One who is doing the stirring.
April 20, 2015 - Pygmy Hunter
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"
The pigmy said, "Yes."
The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
"I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
April 17, 2015 - Boneless Chicken
The food in China can be a challenge for newcomers. One example is that chicken is often served "cleaver style," leaving the meat and bones chopped up together, making it difficult to eat.
Years ago, I went with a group of newcomers to a nice hotel to eat some hamburgers and normal Western food. One lady in our group, Marie, wanted to eat chicken without needing to spit out the bones, so she ordered "boneless chicken."
The waiter, whose English was quite good, could not imagine what Marie wanted. She was very insistent, saying, "I want boneless chicken. Chicken with no bones!"
After more confusion and more insisting, the waiter finally said he understood, wrote something down, and returned to the kitchen.
After about 15 minutes, our orders started coming out to the table. Marie's food was the last to arrive, and when the poor waiter placed her dish in front of her, we all laughed out loud. It was a plate of fried eggs.
April 16, 2015 - Headlines from 2050
Florida to Be Re-admitted to Union
Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's
Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges
50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Baby Conceived Naturally
April 17, 2015 - Dentist vs. Manicurist
What an afternoon! I was out shopping when a fight broke out between a dentist and a manicurist.
You should've seen the two of 'em, going after each other tooth and nail.
April 15, 2015 - I'll be happy when . . .
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire.
The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with . . . and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting ...
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
April 14, 2015 - Marriage Wakeup
As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.
"They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.
"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."
April 13, 2015 - Thankfulness, Thanksgiving
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically rushed him to the family doctor's office which was just around the corner. Just as the patient's face was turning blue, the physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have
when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
April 10, 2015 - Cards You Will Never See From Hallmark"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What on earth was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
April 9, 2015 - I'll Testify To That
Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
April 9, 2015 - In Flight Announcement
A plane took off from Louisville International Airport, and when it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain started his announcements over the intercom.
"Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 254, nonstop from Louisville to Miami. The weather ahead is good and we expect a smooth and uneventful flight. So just sit back and relax - OH NOOOOOOOO!"
Silence followed for several minutes.
Finally the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry for the earlier scare. While I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
Back in coach, a passenger said to the person next to him, "That's nothing! He should see the back of mine!"
April 7, 2015 - Answered Prayer
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle. and He just then did!"
April 6, 2015 - Pierced Ears
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes."
"Did it hurt?" "Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"
April 3, 2015 - Laws of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:
"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."
April 2, 2015 - Heavenly Marriage
On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The two found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard to the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
April 1, 2015 - Complaining
A passenger train was creeping along painfully slowly when finally it creaked to a complete halt.
One passenger saw a conductor walking by outside and yelled, "What's going on?"
"Cow on the track!" replied the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumed its slow pace, but within five minutes, it stopped again.
The same woman saw the same conductor walking by again and leaned out the window and yelled,
"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?