Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

March 2015


March 31, 2015 -  Prayer Motivation
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."


March 30, 2015 - Vacuum Manure
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."


March 27, 2015 - Sacrifice
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor said.

"Well, Reverend", the farmer replied,"I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."


March 26, 2015 - Who's the Boss?
A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself, "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you.  Go home and show her you are the boss."

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice.  He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me.  I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes.  Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong.

And another thing ...  you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," says his wife calmly ...

"The undertaker!"


March 25, 2015 - Why Teachers Go Gray
These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.


March 24, 2015 - Ahh . . . Friendship
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."


March 23, 2015 - Persistence

A South African woman who thought her electricity bills were high didn't realize her meter was connected to all of her neighborhood street lights for 35 years. Minnie Swan complained for years about the size of the bill for her house in Colenso, KwaZulu-Natal.

The 92-year-old widow's brother eventually convinced the electric company to install a new meter and workers made the discovery. Her brother told news reporters that it appears the original work was done 35 years ago when Minnie bought her house in the then new neighborhood.


March 20, 2015 - The Cost of Snoring
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive.  It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"


March 19, 2015 - Dad's Pay Check
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"


March 18, 2015 - The Fatherhood Cycle

4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."
7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."
12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."
14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."
21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"
25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."
30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."
35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."
40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."
50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."
60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man.


March 17, 2015 - First Dads
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.  He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah?  Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine.  My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

March 16, 2015 - Shoe Cover-Up
One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"


March 13, 2015 - 2030 Headlines

Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally.  Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered by January 1, 2031.

Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

Average worker's Social Security (FICA) contribution hits $12,000 per week.  Protests planned.

Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway, decline to $12,000 per.

E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5 per word.  Please remit.


March 12, 2015 - Tips for student pilots.

1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
And a bonus tip:
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.


March 11, 2015 - Children in Restaurants
The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at the table -- Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their little son, Jonathan. She says, "Jonathan, what would you like?"

He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches."

He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have bread, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

This kid is four years old!

The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will fix you a grilled cheese sandwich."

She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan, the chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I forgot to ask you, though, what you want to drink."

He says, "I'll have a milkshake."

She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told you we don't serve milkshakes." (She was ready for him this time.) "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have ice cream. But we don't have the syrup."

He says, "You have a car, don't you?"


March 10, 2015 - Pastoral Punch
Discovering too late that a watermelon fruit punch spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local Baptist ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the head waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter. 

"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."


March 9, 2015 - Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer
1.  Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2.  He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3.  And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

4.  With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5.  Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

6.  If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

7.  Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

8.  I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

9.  If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

10.  You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.


March 6, 2015 - Marriage Vows
Ken and Marjorie finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.

"You know," said Marjorie, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion."


March 5, 2015 - Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art."

"Really?" answered the neighbor.  "What kind is it?"

"Twelve-thirty."


March 4, 2015 - Back To School
After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.

The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"


March 3, 2015 - Back To School Notes
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."



March 2, 2015 - More Notes Found On Hospital Charts
She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.  {This probably was not far from the truth!! 

Those gowns are probably put under the classification of 'x-rated!!!!}

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.  Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.