Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

October 2015


Mother's Dictionary - October 30, 2015
Amnesia:
A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Bottle Feeding:
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

Defense:
What you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

Drooling:
How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look Out!:
What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.


More Mother's Dictionary - October 29, 2015
Prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared Childbirth:
A contradiction in terms.

Puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. 

Show Off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom:
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper Tantrums:
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Thunderstorm:
A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal:
Able to whine in words.

Whodunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops:
An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."


Did Noah Fish? - October 28, 2015

A  Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot  of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No,"  replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two  worms?”


The Lord is My Shepherd - October 27, 2015
A  Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of  the most  Quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters  a month  to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about  the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he  could barely get past the first line.

On  the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of  the congregation, Ricky was so  nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up  to the  microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all  I need  to know.


Unanswered Prayer - October 26, 2015
The  preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused  and bowed  his head for a moment before starting his  sermon.

One  day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud  that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord  to help me preach a good sermon."

"How  come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.


Being Thankful - October 23, 2015

A  Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says  your
prayers for you each night?  That's very commendable. What does she  say?"

The  little boy replied, "Thank God he's in  bed!"


All Men / All Girls - October 22, 2015
When  my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless  every
family member, every friend,  and every animal (current and past).

For  several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli  would
say,  "And all girls."

This  soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My
curiosity got the best of me  and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always  add
the  part about all girls?"

Her  response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying  'All
Men'! 


Say a Prayer - October 21, 2015

Little Johnny and his family  were having Sunday dinner at his  Grandmother's
house.  Everyone was seated around the  table as the food was being served.

When  Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right  away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we  say our prayer." said his mother.

"I  don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of  course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer  before eating at our  house."

"That's at our house." Johnny  explained. "But this is Grandma's house  and
SHE  knows how to cook.


The Bible - October 20, 2015

Did  you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache.  When you  open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints.  Let's read  the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have  a stroke and never wake up. And  did you also know that when you are about  to forward this email to others.  The devil will discourage you, but forward  it anyway.


Signs You Need a New Lawyer - October 19, 2015
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. A prison guard is shaving your head.

7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"


Chose Your Weapon - October 16, 2015
Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.

While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"


Computerized Airline - October 15, 2015
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically.

The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned.

"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

Security Alert - October 14, 2015
DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT

We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.

Five of the six have been apprehended.  Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.


Can You See Me? - October 13, 2015
I'm a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults.

Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.

I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.

Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."

Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"


Late for Dinner - October 12, 2015
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Baptism - October 9, 2015
The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.

Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home. His mother asked him why he ran home instead of riding with the youth minister.

The little boy answered, "Its all a racket, They get you there and let you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services."


Tight Shoes - October 8, 2015

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.


Know Your States - October 7, 2015
The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."


Delegating - October 6, 2015
The featured guest on our local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service.

After she described what her clients could expect, the program's telephone lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service.

Her question: "How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?"


The Wedding Dress - October 5, 2015
Betty was soon to be married.

More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.

Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress.

When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.

Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.

Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son."

"Forget about that!" she said with a sob.

"I used to fit into that dress!"


Excerpts From Actual Letters Sent To Landlords - October 2, 2015
1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

2. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

3. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

4. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

5. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

6. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."


Motivating Others - October 1, 2015
John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway. Then one-day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball. John had an idea.

When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.

John never had to search for his paper again.