Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

November 2014


November 27, 2014 - Eating and Drinking

(a) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(b) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(c) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(d) The Italians drink lots of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(e) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like.  It's speaking English that kills you.


November 26, 2014 - Walking Out


"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service,
"when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.

"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."


November 26, 2014 - Switch Tower Pete

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training.  The supervisor then takes him into the switch tower to test his readiness.  The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track.  What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe???  What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."


November 25, 2014 - Lots of Kids

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."


November 24, 2014 - Reverent Behavior

At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:

"In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!"


November 21, 2014 - Mother of the Bride

Jennifer's big formal wedding was fast approaching and she was delighted to hear that her Mom, Sheilah, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress.

Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother, Fawn, had purchased the same dress.

She asked her stepmother to buy another dress since her Mom had already altered her purchase.  Fawn refused.

After two more weeks of frustrated shopping, Sheila found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but would serve.

When asked by a friend what she would do with her original dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"


November 20, 2014 - Joey Sets The Table
A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table.

But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"

"I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened as Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."


November 19, 2014 - The Bible

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So,son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'


November 18, 2014 - Tim Robbed

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned Tim to the ground.
When the thief went through Tim's pockets all he could find on Tim was 25 cents. He was so surprised at this he asked why Tim had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"


November 17, 2014 - Sense of Humor

A forestry-service employee was recording the rainfall in his area. One drizzly day, his thoughts were apparently elsewhere as he typed "thirty three inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer.
It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of humor, for this message quickly appeared on the screen "Build the ark. Gather the animals two by two..."


November 14, 2014 - African Marriage

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.


November 13, 2014 - Sneaking Into the Olympics

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first said, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walked up to the table and stated, "Angus MacLeod. Scotland. Shot-put." He opened his gym bag to display a shot-put to the registration attendant.

The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabbed a small tree sapling, stripped off the limbs and roots, walked up the registration table and stated, "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabbed a street utility manhole cover, walked up the registration table and stated, "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant said, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scampered in, but suddenly realized the third guy was missing. They groaned, "OH NO." He's a goober. They forgot to make sure he didn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They then spotted him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walked up to the registration table and stated, "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."


November 12, 2014 - Integrity in Business

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'

If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'

If his eyes still don't flutter, you add 'Each.'"


November 11, 2014 - Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

Fred turned to his wife.

"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"


November 10, 2014 - As They Get Old . . .

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plain.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.


November 7, 2014 - Communication

A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."

The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across.

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut - and a hammer.


November 6, 2014 - Paying The Bills

A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food.  The waiter says, "No way.  I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right.  I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me the food?"

"Deal!" replies the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.  He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs.  And the hamster is really good.

The waiter says, "You're right.  I've never seen anything like that before.  That hamster is truly good on the piano."   The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another.

"Money or another miracle," says the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.  He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing.  He has a marvelous voice and great pitch.  A fine singer.  A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.  The stranger runs out of the restaurant.

The waiter says to the guy, "Are you crazy?  You sold a singing frog for $300?  It must have been worth millions."

"Not so," says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."


November 5, 2014 - Cat T-Shirts

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say.

"Purrfection cannot be improved"

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat"

"Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."


November 4, 2014 - Formula Cheat

During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'.

He didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer to 'timber(1+x)'.


November 3, 2014 - Name Calling

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.