June 30, 2014 - If You'll Be Quiet
It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son.
As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about
everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew.
Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just
a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked.
But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ...
don't spill your drink ... don't talk with your mouth full."
Finally he said seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."
June 27, 2014 - Favorite Candy
Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She said, "KitKat," and hung up.
"Who was that?"
"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.
"What now?" I asked.
"He plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a candy basket."
The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch.
"But, Mom," our daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat isn't my favorite candy."
"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."
June 26, 2014 - Lucky, The Guide Dog
"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a darn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all."
Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners. "I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express was approaching, and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days."
Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."
June 25, 2014 - Coffee Delay
In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.
Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.
I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"
June 24, 2014 - Dog's Life Complaint
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."
June 23, 2014 - Candy Bars
A middle-aged man was waiting for the bus. While he waited, he watched a young boy eat five candy bars, one right after the other.
He said to the boy, "Eating all that candy is bad for your health and can rot your teeth."
The boy replied, "Mister, my grandfather lived to be 97 years old!"
The man said, "I'll bet he didn't eat five candy bars in a row."
The boy answered, "No, but he sure knew how to mind his own business!"
June 20, 2014 - HMO At The Gates
Confronted by two doctors and an HMO manager at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked them to identify and explain themselves.
The first doctor stepped forward. "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped children overcome deformities!" "You may enter," St. Peter said.
The second doctor stepped up. "I was a psychiatrist and helped people find peace!" St. Peter ushered him through the gates.
The HMO manager stepped forward. "As an HMO manager, I helped people get cost-effective health care!" St. Peter waved him forward, but stopped him right as he got to the gates.
"You may stay for three days. After that, you're out of here!"
June 19, 2014 - Worst Horse Ever
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."
June 18, 2014 - First Accident Report
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transportation company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender.
My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put "Full gallop."
June 17, 2014 - Military Haircut
Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut.
The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.
"Trinidad," I said.
"Is that in Arabia?"
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."
June 16, 2014 - How Does This Work?
Bob was on vacation, visiting a Las Vegas casino for the first time.
He decided to play the slots. Since he wasn't sure how to play a slot machine, he called an attendant over.
"Excuse me," Bob said. "How does this work?"
The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button and pull the handle.
"And where does the money come out?" Bob asked.
The casino employee smiled and pointed to a far wall. "The ATM is over there."
June 13, 2014 - Salary Increase
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise.
One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"
The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
June 12, 2014 - Holiday Restaurant
I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).
She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes.
I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've seen the movie. Now, eat the star!"
June 11, 2014 - Pork Delivery
A German farmer with relatives in the US sent them a package consisting of some pork sausages made from his old pig.
When they complained that the package had not yet arrived, he wrote:
"Cheer up. The wurst is yet to come."
June 10, 2014 - Marry An Actor
An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."
The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"
So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."
June 9, 2014 - Average
"Half the people you know are below average."
June 6, 2014 - Contempt of Court
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court - ten dollars for each word. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
June 5, 2014 - Waiting For A Table
When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded.
I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book.
I asked again, "How much of a wait?"
The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes."
A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is now ready."
June 4, 2014 - Hood Full of Pigeons
I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises.
A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood.
Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.
All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off.
No way was I going to be pigeon towed!
June 3, 2014 - Umbrella Impression
A man had finally got around to taking all his broken umbrellas to the repair shop.
Next morning on his way to his office when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to the woman beside him for he was in the habit of carrying one.
The woman cried "Stop! Thief!", grabbed her umbrella back and embarrassed the poor man no end!
That same day, he stopped at the repair shop, and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered the street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold, glaring at him, the lady of his morning's misadventure.
Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn: "Had a good day, didn't you!"
June 2, 2014 - Couple In 10 Years
The other day I pointed to a couple across a restaurant and said to my wife, "That's us in ten years."
She replied, "That's a mirror."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.