February 28, 2014 - Born Lazy
When I was born I was so lazy, my parents had to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day.
February 27, 2014 - Pet Bills
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after
the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
February 26, 2014 - Leaving the Farm
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."
The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?".
February 25, 2014 - Division of Labor
The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."
"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
February 24, 2014 - Busy Mom
My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"
My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply:
"No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."
With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..."
February 21, 2014 - Run Through the Woods
Two campers, both in the 60s are walking through the woods.
A huge brown bear suddenly appeared in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear spots the campers and begins to head toward them.
Joe drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
His buddy Jack says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," Joe says. "I just need to outrun you."
February 20, 2014 - Towards and Away
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would
face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to make a living from the
sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week
they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible, horrible* fish!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"
February 19, 2014 - Cakes and Ale and Legalism
Here is a purported-to-be-true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require cakes and ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
February 18, 2014 - Australian Military Helicopter Simulation
This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.
They had been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they included things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).
Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they went to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzzed them, and watched them scatter. The visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then gaped wide-eyed as the kangaroos ducked around a hill, and launched about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.
Programmers looked rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding... and the Americans left muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife!
As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place.
February 17, 2014 - Columbus Return
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?"
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage."
February 14, 2014 - In-Law Letter
When the man came home, his wife was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that? She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"At the end of the letter she wrote:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
February 13, 2014 - Seatmate Choice
The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.
"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously.
"And you look just like my dad."
February 12, 2014 - Environmental Concerns
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
February 11, 2014 - You Know You're Getting Old When
You know you're getting there when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
February 10, 2014 - Mistaken Identity
This year, at the annual summer day camp Westside Bible Church runs, we have a set of identical twin brothers enrolled. They are 6 years old and very, very identical.
At the end of each day's schedule, all of the day camp students gather together in our main hall and watch a slide show of pictures taken during the various activities of the day. As they watch, the children point out individuals they recognize in the photos. Today, when one of the twins was recognized, a number of children pointed to him and said, "That's you!"
Apparently it wasn't, because he replied loudly in protest, "No, that's not me. That's the other me!"
February 7, 2014 - Cake Lesson
A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong: School, family problems, health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.
She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.
"How about a couple raw eggs? "
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Grandma, those are all yucky!"
To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!"
She continued, "God works the same way in our lives."
February 6, 2014 - Carrier Landings 2
Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.
Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"
Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."
"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first."
February 5, 2014 - Literature Exam
My son stayed up half the night studying for his English Literature exam. He would drink coffee almost constantly while attempting to read "The Canterbury Tales."
I awoke at 4 A.M. and found him studying with mug in hand, and asked him, "What have you got there?"
He answered... "Just my cup and Chaucer."
February 4, 2014 - Everything I Learned From A Cow
Everything I need to know I learnt from a cow
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
February 3, 2014 - Sheriff Vet
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.