Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

January 2014


January 31, 2014 - Meet the Parents
A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."

"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."

"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."


January 30, 2014 - A Man for Every Woman
Diane was getting real discouraged over the lack of finding a steady man in her life.

In an attempt to lift her spirits, her friend Karen said, "There's a man for every woman and a woman for every man. You can't change that."

Diane replied, "I don't want to change it! I just wanna get in on it."


January 29, 2014 - The Ways of Love
My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.

She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.

"We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."


January 28, 2014 - Season Ticket Swap
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.


January 27, 2014 - Train Good News
A large, two-engined train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line (if you didn't guess by now), the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.

The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"


January 24, 2014 - Five Kinds of Fruit
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are:

a. Apple

b. Banana

c. Strawberry

d. Peach

e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you! Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN





If you have chosen:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.

b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.

c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.

d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.

e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.


January 23, 2014 - What Does Your Horn Say?
Do you remember when the whole lower half of a car's steering wheel used to constitute the car's horn? A car horn that was half the size of the steering wheel made it so much easier and fun to find and hit than locating today's microscopic, camouflaged little buttons. How are you ever supposed to find and use your horn in the nanosecond you have in case of a pending accident?


January 22, 2014 - Classroom Talk
As you know, kids say the darnedest things.

Yesterday, a sweet little nugget said, “Mrs. Hall, your eyes sparkle like glitter.” And I thought, well, this boy already knows his way to a women’s heart.

Today, as I was giving directions to the class about a quiz we were about to take and where to turn it in, I asked if there were any questions. A different little nugget raised his hand. Of course I asked him what his question was. Any ideas on his question………

“Mrs. Hall, did you know that your arm jiggled when you moved it like that?”

Obviously, this little boy will be alone forever.


January 21, 2014 - A Few More Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a dress code?

Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.

Caller: How about clothes?

Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?

Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?

Staff: Sure, what time would you like?

Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.

Caller: How much to rent a bag?



January 20, 2014 - A Few More Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole, How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a large bucket?

Staff: Four dollars.

Caller: Does that include the balls?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.

Caller: And what time does that start?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.

Staff: OK, what would you like to know?

Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range Would you like to buy them back?


January 17, 2014 - Omitted Stories
Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.

At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."


January 16, 2014 - Wise Uncle Rusty
Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his workshop.

That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they passed.

Day after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty just couldn't take it any more.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash cans.

After two weeks, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income, which I failed to factor in a fortnight ago when I met you" he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon concert. A month later, Sly Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from that day forward he said, "Look, my Social Security check just isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay ?"

"What? Just a crummy quarter ?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. No way, mister. We quit!"


January 15, 2014 - And Still More Golf Course Funnies

Golf course, may I help you?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What are your green fees?

Staff: 38 dollars.

Caller: Does that include golf?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?

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January 14, 2014 - More Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?

Staff: You mean a driving range?

Caller: No, that's not it..
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 O'clock and noon.

Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?

Caller: Yes.

Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

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January 13, 2014 - Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?

Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.

Caller: What's the next time after that?

Staff: We have one at 10:22.

Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: How much to play golf today?

Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.

Caller: 38 dollars?

Staff: No, 38 yen.
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?

Staff: What time would you like?

Caller: What times do you have?

Staff: What time of the day?

Caller: Any time.

Staff: Morning or afternoon?

Caller: Whenever.

Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?

Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.


January 10, 2014 - Coffee Like Mud
I was making rounds one morning with a physician when we were interrupted by a co-worker who inquired about a patient's diet.

"Mrs. Jones does nothing but complain about her food," my co-worker said. "She says the coffee tastes like mud."

"Well, it should," the doctor quipped. "It was fresh ground this morning."


January 9, 2014 - Loved Too Much
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog.

His mother said to him, "Now, Bobby, I know you love Buster, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Thelma was here!"


January 8, 2014 - Test Results Good News
Joey walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Joey, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?" Dad nodded.

"Well," said Joey, "The good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."


January 7, 2014 - Serving Money
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."

They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."

The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."

"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.

"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."


January 6, 2014 - Impossible Argument
A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed.

The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible," to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."


January 3, 2014 - Community Newspaper
Gilbert, South Carolina is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.

He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."


January 2, 2014 - Frazzled Doctor
As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place was packed with patients. The nurses and doctors all seemed frazzled.

I discovered just how frazzled when a doctor walked into the room, pulled out his examination light, pointed it in my ear, and instructed me, "Say, 'Ah.'"