Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

April 2014

April 30, 2014 - Mad Cow Conversation
Two cows are conversing in a field.

The first one says to the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that is going around?"

The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about it; I'm an airplane!"


April 29, 2014 - Tannery Taxes
A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the collector asked the owner of the tannery.

"Business has been very bad," answered the tanner.

"Do you mind if I check around the place?" asked the tax man.

"Go ahead," invited the owner. "You'll see I have nothing to hide."


April 28, 2014 - Rolls-Royce Loaner
When I arrived at a friend's home for a party, my old rattletrap looked pretty shabby parked next to all the fancy new vehicles there.

I announced to the other guests that they'd have to excuse my transport, but my gardener had requested my Rolls-Royce for a special occasion and so we had traded cars for the day. Another partygoer said that he, too, had switched cars. He said he had loaned his Rolls to a friend who wanted to impress a new girlfriend.

Everyone laughed, and I felt rather pleased with my little joke, until a few days later when I drove past the same man.

He was driving a Rolls-Royce.


April 25, 2014 - Weight Loss
If you could watch my life backwards, you'd see a Jenny Craig success story.


April 24, 2014 - Cannibal Canoe
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.

The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take zee sword."

The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please."

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at himself, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over; it's horrible!

The chief is appalled, and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"

The New Yorker says, "So much for your stupid canoe!"


April 23, 2014 - Nephew Caddy
My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.

"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"

"Five," answered the nephew.

"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."


April 22, 2014 - Toaster Settings
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?


April 21, 2014 - Fallen Load Ticket
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, two policemen came by.

While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??"

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."


April 18, 2014 - Would You Remarry?
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"...

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."


April 17, 2014 - Doctor's Advice
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."


April 15, 2014 - Believing
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?


April 16, 2014 - Penguin Zoo
Did you hear about the man that had a pet penguin?

Soon after he got his penguin, he was driving in town one day with the penguin sitting on the front seat next to him.

A policeman noticed the penguin in the car and motioned for the man to pull over.

The officer says, "What are you doing with that penguin?"

The man replies, "We are just going for an afternoon drive."

The officer says, "I want you to take that penguin to the zoo right away, or you will be in big trouble."

The man replies, "No problem, I can do that," and the policeman let them go on their way.

Two days later, the man and his penguin are going for a drive again with the penguin sitting in the front seat.
This time the penguin has on dark sunglasses. When they pass through town, the same policeman spots
the penguin in the car. He furiuosly motions for the man to pull over.As soon as the car stops, he marches right up to the man and demands, "You are the same guy I saw two days ago with a penguin. What are you trying to do now? Don't you think that I can still recognize a penguin even if it has sunglasses on? I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo right away?"

The man replied, "Yes sir you did. I took him to the zoo yesterday. We had so much fun at the zoo that today I thought we would go to the beach today!"


April 15, 2014 - Extending Life
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life which enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.


April 14, 2014 - Concert Lights
My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently

got front-row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.

When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert.

My daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to

the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the

lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"


April 11, 2014 - Computer Synchronization

As a highly skilled computer technician, Joe was hired to synchronize the communication between the microchips in the various computers in a local network.

His new boss had left him instructions on a series of post-it notes. The slips of paper were so numerous and jumbled that they were confusing to Joe and his colleagues.

Finally, Joe decided to ignore his boss' instructions. He simply discarded the notes and successfully completed the task on his own.

Upon his return, Joe's boss asked him to describe the strategy that resulted in his success.

"That's easy," replied Joe. "Lose slips, sync chips!"


April 10, 2014 - Nervous Young Minister
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes."

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"


April 9, 2014 - Geometry Homework
"Son, I've asked you before NOT to do your geometry homework at the dinner table!"

"But why, Ma?" I asked. "What is wrong with that?"

"Look," she said, "the proof is in the pudding."


April 8, 2014 -  Appointment Delay
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.

"I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"


April 7, 2014 - Senior Citizen Discount
"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.


April 4, 2014 - An Honest Golfer
About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.

He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"

I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.

"Every hole," I confessed


April 3, 2014 - New Restaurant Chain
Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.

They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar."


April 2, 2014 - Norma Findlay in Room 302
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"


April 1, 2014 - Which Will Come in First
"While watching a marathon I saw one runner dressed as a chicken & another dressed as an egg . . . this could be interesting.: