Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

September 2013

September 30, 2013 - First Passport
At 82 years old, my husband applied for his first passport.

He was told he'd need a birth certificate, but his birth had never been officially registered. When he explained his dilemma to the passport agent, the response was less than helpful.

"In lieu of a birth certificate," the agent said, "you can bring a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you."


September 27, 2013 - Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."


September 26, 2013 - From the Mouths of Children
"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants."
- Ari K, age 7

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals."
- Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you."
- Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."
- Steven B, age 8

"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from."
- Susannah K., age 6

"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off."
- Jon G., age 12

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs."
- Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense."
- Beau M., age 10

"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing."
- Emma B., age 4


September 25, 2013 - Barbecuing: Manly Cooking

Barbecuing - It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


September 24, 2013 - Shower or Tub
New Englanders are known for their dry wit and logic.

Once in Martha's Vineyard a hotel clerk asked me if I wanted a room with a shower or a tub. I asked what the difference was.

He replied, "Well sir, in a tub, you can sit down."


September 23, 2013 - Not Knowing All the Words
While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.

"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.

The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."

Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."


September 20, 2013 - Play-Off Tickets

A man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets. The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing Bear play-off tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bear ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Bear play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, "I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS."

The man replied, "I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay every day just to hear you say that!"


September 19, 2013 - Trying Something New
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.


September 18, 2013 - Doctor's Note
An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.

The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. Its contents were thus:

"Your fly is undone."


September 17, 2013 - Chess Playing Dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."


September 16, 2013 - Razor Request
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says, "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"

The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"

Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I could defend myself."


September 13, 2013 - Second Grade Math
I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics.

Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."


September 12, 2013 - Morning People
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.

"Hi!" exclaimed my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.

"Mom," I interrupted. "It's five in the morning."

"Really? What are you doing up so early?"


September 11, 2013 - Curious Chimp
Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."


September 10, 2013 - Forgiveness and Temptation
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. 'Lead us not into temptation.'"


September 9, 2013 - Dinner Blessing
A wife invited some people to dinner.. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'


September 6, 2013 - Eye Glass Confessions
As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.

"I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.

Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."

The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."


September 5, 2013 - A Prayer
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

September 4, 2013 - Sleeping in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'


September 3, 2013 - Pancakes
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan , you be Jesus!'


September 2, 2013 - Died and Went to Heaven
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand..

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

August 2013

August 30, 2013 - Christening
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'


August 29, 2013 - Children's Sermon
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.


August 28, 3013 - Kids

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "They can't get divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."


August 27, 2013 - Grandpa's Gift
When our grandson Thomas was 5 years old, his Grandpa thought it would be a good idea to give him a carpenter's set for Christmas. Grandpa finally found a nice carpenter's set that included a hammer, screwdriver, etc. but there was no handsaw. Undaunted, Grandpa bought a small hacksaw to include with the gift.

A couple of months after Christmas, Grandpa phoned grandson Thomas. He said, "Thomas, how are you enjoying your carpenter's set?" There was a very long pause at the other end of the line. Then he heard Thomas holler, "Daaaaaaad! When do I get my saw back?"


August 26, 2013 Chewed Out Answer

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"


August 23, 2013 - What Would He Pay
While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore, a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats with the letters WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?" and that the idea is to get people to consider this question when making decisions.

The man pondered a moment, then replied, "I don't think he'd pay $17.95 for that hat."

Instructions
My mother was recently on a flight returning from Utah. As the plane was a small puddle jumper, the flight attendants were required to demonstrate the life vest, the oxygen mask, etc. instead of turning on a video.

After they finished their presentation, one of them said "To those of you who listened, thank you. To those of you who ignored us, good luck."


August 22, 2013 - Another Blond Joke
A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe.

Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.

Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,"What in the world are you doing?"

The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?


August 21, 2013 - The Cowboy's Ten Commandments
1) Just one God.

2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

3) No telling tales or gossipin'.

4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.

5) Put nothin' before God.

6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

7) No killin'.

8) Watch yer mouth.

9) Don't take what ain't yers.

10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff’s.


August 20, 2013 - Kids in Church
3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'


August 19, 2013 - Voicemail
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


August 16, 2013 - Seeing
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.


August 14, 2013 - Blessings
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.


August 13, 2013 - Life

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.


August 12, 2013 - God's Plan
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.


August 9, 2013 - Kids On the Old and New Testaments
The following statements about the bible, were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


August 8, 2013 - Caught in the Act
Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."


August 7, 2013 - Angels Explained By Children
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
Olive, age 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
Mitchell, age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, age 8.
Angels don't eat, but they do drink milk from Holy Cows.
Jack, age 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
Reagan, age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
Jared, age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
Antonio, age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
Ashley, age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
Vicki, age 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
Sarah, age 7


August 6, 2013 - Wedding Vows
Mrs. Frobisher and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"

"How do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Frobisher.

"Well," said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"


August 5 2013 - New Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


August 2, 2013 - The Perishing Parish
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways."

One man in the back began to laugh.

So the pastor said it again louder.

The man continued to laugh.

The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.

He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"


August 1 2013 - Get Along Better

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Proven ways to get along better with EVERYONE:

1. Before you say anything to anyone, ask yourself 3 things:

- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?

2. Make promises sparingly and keep them faithfully.

3. Never miss the opportunity to compliment or say something encouraging to someone.

4. Refuse to talk negatively about others; don't gossip and don't listen to gossip.

5. Have a forgiving view of people. Believe that most people are doing the best they can.

6. Keep an open mind; discuss, but don't argue. (It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable.)

7. Forget about counting to 10. Count to 1,000 before doing or saying anything that could make matters worse.

8. Let your virtues speak for themselves.

9. If someone criticizes you, see if there is any TRUTH to what he is saying; if so, make changes. If there is no truth to the criticism, ignore it and live so that no one will believe the negative remark.

10. Cultivate your sense of humor; laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

11. Do not seek so much to be consoled, as to console; do not seek so much to be understood, as to understand; do not seek so much to be loved as to love.