June 14, 2013 - Surgery Headache
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
June 13, 2013 - Just Name the Fee
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
June 12, 2013 - Ten Laws of Life
1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)
2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)
3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)
5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)
6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Gotta Go!)
7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principle)
8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)
9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)
10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)
June 11, 2013 - Earring Rush
A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.
When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'ld be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."
June 10, 2013 - Sign Return
I was on board the USS Kitty Hawk when we docked in the Sri Lankan capital, Colombo.
One morning, as the local fishing fleet passed by on its way out to sea, a boat came too close to our ship. A Marine held up a sign warning the captain to stay away, and he complied.
But the next day, the boat was back. This time, the fisherman held something. The nervous Marine pointed to his rifle. The fisherman lifted the object and unfurled it, revealing a sign of his own.
In perfect English it read, "Your Sign Is Upside Down."
June 7, 2013 - Drought Conditions
Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone.
One asked the other how bad the drought was in his area.
The other replied, “Well it's got so bad they've closed two lanes at the local swimming pool."
June 6, 2013 - Goodwill Offering
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.
When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.
He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."
June 5, 2013 - Employment Application
Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
June 4, 2013 - School Excuse
At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.
"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.
"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm keeping her home."
June 3, 2013 - You Might be a Pastor If…
~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.
~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.
~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
~ You see a picnic as no picnic.
~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.
~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.
~ You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.
~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him.
~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.
~ Your sermons have a happy ending...everyone's happy when it ends.
~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.
~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.