September 28, 2012 - The Mayor's Burden
One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.
The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?"
The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."
September 27, 2012 - Encouraging the Sick
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."
September 26, 2012 - Morning Run
The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."
September 25, 2012 - Psalm 23 Summary
A Sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.
A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."
She bowed again and went and sat down.
That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.
September 24, 2012 - Open Microphone
While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."
The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:
"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."
September 21, 2012 - Coupon Heaven
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.
The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now."
“Coupon heaven?" the checker said.
"Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."
"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.
September 20, 2012 - Eating Out
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
September 19, 2012 - Empty Nest Syndrome
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.....
You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.
You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.
You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.
The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.
You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.
You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.
Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
You still hide your best make-up.
September 18, 2012 - Reputation
I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss.
One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.
"What's the matter?" I asked him.
"Uh, nothing," he replied, "I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch."
September 17, 2012 - Police Report
A motorist collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the police report were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn.
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
September 14. 2012 - Cheap Motel
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6am wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6am!" I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
September 13. 2012 - Lack of Empathy
A tourist on his way to Tuscaloosa, came to a fork in the road and stopped. There was no sign indicating which route went where.
Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa?"
"Not to me it don't." replied the boy.
September 12. 2012 - Signs You Need a New Pizza Place
~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.
~ The delivery kid is packing.
~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.
~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.
~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"
~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.
~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.
~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.
~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."
~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."
~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.
~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.
~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.
September 11. 2012 - Reverent Behavior
At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.
Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:
"In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!"
September 10. 2012 - Thoughts on Golfing
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you'll go out and for no reason at all you'll really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt," you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
September 7, 2012 - Largest Amphibious Assault
I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"
Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."
September 6, 2012 - Sightseeing at Alcatraz
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren't good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window.
"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
September 4, 2012 - Communication in Marriage
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"
We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"
Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second kick I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"
September 4, 2012 - Sugar Packets Announcement
The Building Committee has been informed that opened sugar packets are being found in the nursery area.
We have had some serious problems with ants in the past and would like to avoid any recurrences if possible.
Coffee drinkers, please dispose of these packets properly.
If you are a coffee drinker but can't read yet, please have your parents explain this to you.
September 3, 2012 - Waiting For Heaven
When Sara was 6, her new puppy became seriously ill, and the vet didn't know if he could save it.
I felt very bad for Sara, because this was her first pet and it had been a Christmas gift, so I said to her, "Don't worry, Honey. Just remember, if Fluffy dies, we'll see her in heaven."
Sara looked at me as if I were simple-minded and said, "Well, yes, Daddy, but heaven's a long way off for me. I'm only six."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.