August 31, 2012 - First Kiss
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh, come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?"
"Oh, come on. There's nobody around. They're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh, please, please. I like you so much!"
"No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh, yes you can. Please!"
"No, no. I just can't."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.
In a sleepy voice, the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
August 30, 2012 - Prison Sign Fail
Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York:
"The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."
August 29, 2012 - Reverent Behavior
At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.
Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:
"In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!"
August 28, 2012 - Behavior Modification Reinforcers
The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”
Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”
“Lollipops,” was the reply.
August 27, 2012 - Children in Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
August 24, 2012 - Dog Barking Payback
A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.
The husband jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs.
The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "Honey, the dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
The husband says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"
August 23, 2012 - The Politician Dance
There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.
"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."
August 22, 2012 - Passing Along Wisdom
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, do fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers. "How?"
August 21, 2012 - Signs You Need a New Pizza Place
~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.
~ The delivery kid is packing.
~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.
~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.
~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"
~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.
~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.
~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.
~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."
~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."
~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.
~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.
~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.
August 20, 2012 - Street Address
I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.
"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.
"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."
August 17, 2012 - Insurance Check and Double Take
Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.
“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
August 16, 2012 - Being a Pastor Isn't Easy
Two ministers met in the after life.
One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?"
The other said, "This isn't heaven!"
August 15, 2012 - In the Fitting Room
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."
A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
August 14, 2012 - The Facts of Life
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school ..
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"
"I died of shame!" She answers !
“Koos from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.“
Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I couldn’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to make me himself!!!”
August 13, 2013 - Generation Gaps
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!
August 10, 2012 - HoneyAn elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: 'Honey', 'My Love', 'Darling', 'Sweetheart', etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names."
The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old fart what his name is."
August 9, 2012 - Cure For Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
August 8, 2012 - Bloopers in the Media
"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress
"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach
August 7, 2012 - Gaudiness, Godliness, and Self-Control
Many years ago, when my 9 year old daughter was 3, we went to our usual Sunday morning church service. We were seated and waiting for the service to begin, when this woman walked by us in a really bright, gaudy dress. My husband, who never says anything about anyone, even made a comment about how "loud" the dress was.
After the service was over, we were standing outside the church chatting with another couple. I couldn't see my daughter and then I noticed her standing right next to (practically on top of) the woman with the dress. When I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm trying to hear this dress mom. Dad said it was really loud, but I haven't heard it make a peep yet."
Everyone within earshot, with the exception of my husband and the woman in the dress burst out laughing. My husband wanted to crawl in a hole, and I have to say I never saw that particular dress worn again.
August 6, 2012 - Address Change
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
August 3, 2012 - Dangerous Criminal
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
August 2, 2012 - Jeep Stuck
During training exercises, the green lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.
He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."
August 1, 2012 - Good Company
A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?"
"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.