July 31, 2012 - Customer Service
Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce, Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.
"We need three," I insisted. "Which one is this?"
"All of them," she replied. "You want hot, put more on."
July 30, 2012 - Pilot, Let's Go!
With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a cameraman for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?!"
July 27, 2012 - Senior's Drivers License
A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.
"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"
"Yes" she replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket."
"You won't be needing this anymore," he said.
"So I thanked him and left.'
July 26, 2012 - Basic Training
For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training.
It was clear that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard duty, he cried out, "Halt! Don't shoot, or I'll move!"
July 25, 2012 - Legalism
Here is a purported-to-be-true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require cakes and ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
July 24, 2012 - New Number
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.
One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr.Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.
I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."
July 23, 2012 - Family Moving
When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy - an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.
"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."
"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"
July 20, 2012 - Flying Home
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, but we can't do that."
"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
July 19, 2012 - Two Blondes and a Sod Truck
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
July 18, 2012 - Cab Driver Etiquette
On a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.
The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?"
"Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."
July 17, 2012 - Pronunciation
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a"
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
July 16, 2012 - Laundry
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt...
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '
July 13, 2012 - Yosemite Bears
A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.
The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."
The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"
The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."
The motel room was quite nice.
July 12, 2012 - Rabbit Trick
The problem: There's a box with a hole at each end, and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later, etc., etc. How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?
In theory, two minutes.
In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.
July 11, 2012 - Life Changes
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
July 10, 2012 - Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate, and Expert.
Novice User - Someone who is afraid that simply pressing a key might break a computer.
Intermediate User - Someone who doesn't know how to fix a computer after pressing the key that broke it.
Expert User - Someone who presses the key that breaks someone else's computer.
July 9, 2012 - 10 Questions
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the strangest thing you ever bought?"
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"
July 5, 2012 - Child's Prayer
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
July 4, 2012 - Church Teaching
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
July 3, 2012 - Taking Turns
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
July 2, 2012 - Heaven
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand..
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.