June 29, 2012 - Haircut for a Car
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." (You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
June 28, 2012 - Hair Color
Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling out the forms. When she came to the line "Color of Hair," she put, "L'oreal Preference 8 1/2B."
June 27, 2012 - Respect for Rank
A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., where he spent his spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon he became a guide of sorts for some senior non-commissioned officers.
Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water.
He noticed the puzzled look on the face of the young soldier.
"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained.
June 26, 2012 - Missed Calls
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor.
He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
June 25, 2012 - Died of Shame
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had just had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"
"I died of shame!" She answers!
“ Why?” Her Mother asked.
Annie said, “Karen from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”
Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
June 22, 2012 - Ode to a Shedding Cat
I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee.
Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds.
I sweep the floor,
You shed some more.
I wash the rug
And you just shrug.
You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew-cut cat.
June 21, 2012 - Respect and Position
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby.
Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
June 20, 2012 - Restaurant Rating
I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."
June 19, 2012 - Few Words
Calvin Coolidge, the 30th president of the United States, was popularly known as "Silent Cal." One time at a party, a woman walked up to him and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."
Coolidge replied, "You lose."
June 18, 2012 - New Librarian
The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.
The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully, "At least that other librarian we had could write."
June 15, 2012 - Shaving Comeback
I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.
The new barber, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?"
"No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."
June 14, 2012 - Introductions
One day while shopping, my chatter bug daughter who was three at the time introduced herself to the lady behind us at the check out.
She proceeded to tell the lady her sister's name and then said and to the lady, "This is my mom. Her name is Mom."
June 13, 2012 - Corporate Change
When the company I worked for had an employee-suggestion competition, I told my staff to submit entries that would save money for the firm.
The winner was a man in my department who suggested we post corporate memos on bulletin boards instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.
A memo announcing the prize went out to 200 people
June 12, 2012 - Raising Children
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
June 11, 2012 - E-Parenting
Debbie wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend's phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie's computer and saw a list of email addresses.
She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was.
Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn't to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone.
June 8, 2012 - Animal Characteristics
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.
The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."
The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.
"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"
June 7, 2012 - Connecting Chaos
The fur began to fly when my fellow airline passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flight out of Aspen. When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got.
Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, "Those of you continuing on to L.A. wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over."
June 6, 2012 - Driver's License Examiners
While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.
The examiner asked her, "Could you get a little closer?"
Instead of moving the car, she slid over.
June 5, 2012 - Promises
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"
June 4, 2012 - Young Love
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
June 1, 2012 - Human Nature
A burglar who needed money to pay his income taxes decided to rob the safe in a store.
On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."
He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.