May 31, 2012 - Middle Name
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
May 30, 2012 - Passing Notes
An elderly couple are attending a church service.
About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
May 29, 2012 - Baggage Problem
The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage.
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"
She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
May 28, 2012 - Telling the Truth
After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
"Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
May 25, 2012 - Gardening
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
May 24, 2012 - Deer Crossing
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
May 23, 2012 - Food Service
My daughter went to a local taco restaurand and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
May 22, 2012 - Baggage
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
May 21, 2012 - Crosswalk
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people wh en the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
May 18, 2012 - Fast Food Drive Thru
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
May 17, 2012 - Garage Door Repairman
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two'
May 16, 2012 - Ford Dealership
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had
been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
May 15, 2012 - Bank Teller
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
May 14, 2012 - Why God Made Moms
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes in the back of her head.
May 11, 2012 - New Number Request
Mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused.
So Mom said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that the bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.
May 10, 2012 - Doctor's Party Advice
Judi strolled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said coyly, "Doctor, may I ask a question?"
"Certainly," he said.
"Lately," said Judi, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart . . ."
The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Judi, but I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"Oooh," she said, "I'm sorry!"
She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is 'philosophy'?"
May 9, 2012 - Driver's License Examiners
While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.
The examiner asked her, "Could you get a little closer?"
Instead of moving the car, she slid over.
May 8, 2012 - Promises
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"
May 7, 2012 - Elderly
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
May 4, 2012 - Dress-up
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
May 3, 2012 - Death
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
May 2, 2012 - School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
May 1, 2012 - Kids in Church
3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.