April 30, 2012 - Bible
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out... 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
April 27, 2012 - Barbecue Forks
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why...
We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
April 26, 2012 - Maritime Museum
Some midshipmen were tasked at the maritime museum to do the "dirty work" of restoring a 60-year-old destroyer. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three.
The curator teased one of the Navy midshipman, saying, "You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?"
"Sir, no sir," he snapped back. "The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!"
April 25, 2012 - Housecleaning Philosophy
I don't do windows because...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because...
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)
I don't mind the dust bunnies because...
They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because...
I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
I don't put things away because...
My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don't iron because...
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."
I don't stress much on anything because...
"A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!
April 24, 2012 - 2nd Grade Math
I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.
But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."
April 23, 2012 - Coffee Shop 'What Would Jesus Do'
Today, I was in the bathroom at a popular coffee chain. Someone wrote "What Would Jesus Do?" on the wall.
Another person wrote directly underneath that, "Wash His hands."
Then a third person wrote, "And your feet."
April 20, 2012 - Family Support
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?”
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
April 19, 2012 - Mess Sign
A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, "Don't Waste Food -- Food will win the war."
Beneath someone had written, "That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?"
April 18, 2012 -Historic Recall
Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.
She concluded with, "And all this happened more than 500 years ago."
"Wow!" exclaimed Little Johnny, "What a great memory you have!"
April 17, 2012 - Top Ten Employee Rules
1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2) If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
3) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
6) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
7) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
8) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
9) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
April 16, 2012 - Death Statistic
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said. "Have you tried mouthwash?
April 13, 2012 - Stair Climbing
Most mornings I go to the local YMCA to exercise. One morning there was a big man working out on the stair climbing machine. He was really climbing stairs. I did my time on the treadmill and he was still climbing. I went to another machine to continue my work out. He was still climbing. I wondered what motivated him to work so vigorously.
He finally finished and as he walked by where I was working out, I said to him, "You were really climbing those stairs."
His reply, "Yeah, I was."
I asked, "What were you going to do when you got to the top?"
April 12, 2012 - Finding Good Help
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was arrested.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.
A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did he play?"
April 11, 2012 - Connecting Chaos
The fur began to fly when my fellow airline passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flight out of Aspen. When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got.
Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, "Those of you continuing on to L.A. wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over."
April 10, 2012 - Animal Characteristics
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.
The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."
The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.
"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"
April 9, 2012 - Wedding Engagement
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
April 6, 2012 - Waxing or Waning
Out on a walk with my new girlfriend last night, only a small sliver of the moon was visible in the sky. She turned to me and asked, "Is it waxing or waning?"
I had no idea what to answer, but wanting to make a good impression I stopped and gazed for a few seconds wondering what the odds were I would pick the right answer of the two.
It was then that I realized there was a 50% chance of wane.
April 5, 2012 - Hereafter
The minister advised Uncle Howard to give some thought to the "hereafter." Uncle Howard told him that the hereafter was hardly ever out of his mind.
At least a dozen times a day he would go to do something, like going to the bathroom cabinet for his medicine, then say, "What on earth am I hereafter?!"
April 4, 2012 - Conductor Comment Comeback
A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,
"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
April 3, 2012 - Dog Report
Craig's two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher had the class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all turned in, the teacher called one of the youngsters up to her desk and scolded him.
"This report on 'My Dog' is exactly, word for word, the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?"
He replies, "No Ma'am. It's about the same dog."
April 2, 2012 - Childlike Observations
After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance.
The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.