Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2012

December 31, 2012 - Keeping a Confidence
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.

I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.


Decembr 28 - Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate, and Expert.

Novice User - Someone who is afraid that simply pressing a key might break a computer.

Intermediate User - Someone who doesn't know how to fix a computer after pressing the key that broke it.

Expert User - Someone who presses the key that breaks someone else's computer.


December 27, 2012 - Christmas Love
The students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song. Those in the front row - center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song.

As the class was to sing "C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."

The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M” upside down - totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W".

A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen.

For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:

"C H R I S T W A S L O V E"

And I believe He still is.


December 26, 2012 - Phrases for When you Receive Unwanted Gifts
Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presents you would rather not have received:

1. Thanks a lot!

2. My word! What a gift.

3. Well, well, well ...

4. If I hadn't put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.

5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We're always losing things around here.

6. It's great; but I'm worried about the envy it may create.

7. Just my luck to get this on the very Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.

8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5's Witness Protection programme.

9. Frankly, I don't deserve this.

10. Really, you shouldn't have.


December 25, 2012 - A Birthday Celebration Invitation
You are cordially invited to

A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!!!

Guest of Honor: Jesus Christ

Date: Every day. Traditionally, December 25 but He's always around, so the date is flexible.

Time: Whenever you're ready. (Please don't be late, though, or you'll miss out on all the fun!)

Place: In your heart . . . He'll meet you there. (You'll hear Him knock.)

Attire: Come as you are . . . grubbies are okay. He'll be washing our clothes anyway. He said something about new white robes and crowns for everyone who stays till the last.

Tickets: Admission is free. He's already paid for everyone - you wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway. It cost Him everything He had, but you do need to accept the ticket!!

Refreshments: New wine, bread, and a far-out drink He calls "Living Water," followed by a supper that promises to be out of this world!

Gift Suggestions: Your life. He's one of those people who already has everything else. (He's very generous in return though. Just wait until you see what He has for you!)

Entertainment: Joy, Peace, Truth, Light, Life, Love, Real Happiness, Communion with God, Forgiveness, Miracles, Healing, Power, Eternity in Paradise, Contentment, and much more! (All "G" rated, so bring your family and friends.)

R.S.V.P. Very Important! He must know ahead so He can reserve a spot for you at the table. Also, He's keeping a list of His friends for future reference. He calls it the "Lamb's Book of Life."

Party being given by His Kids (that's us!!)! Hope to see you there! For those of you whom I will see at the party, share this with someone today!

December 24, 2012 - Turkey Shopping
It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No" he replied. "They're all dead."


December 21, 2012 - Christmas Shopping with Children
After some last-minute Christmas shopping with her grandchildren, my friend was rushing them into the car when four-year-old Jason said, "Grandma, Susie has something in her pocket." He reached in and pulled out a new red barrette.

Though she was tired, my friend knew it was important for Susie to put the item back where she had found it. They did just that. Later at the grocery store checkout, the clerk asked, "Have you kids been good so Santa will come?"

"I've been very good," replied Jason, "but my sister just robbed a store."


December 20, 2012 - Teaching Children About Christmas
The Season of Advent was beginning, and I wanted to inform the children that, according the Bible, Jesus is coming twice, once as the baby in the manger, and then as King.

So I asked the children, "How did Jesus come the first time?"

One child answered, "Down the chimney."


December 19, 2012 - Disguising Presents

Three-year-old Elizabeth was helping her mother Melinda wrap a present for her father.

While wrapping, Melinda told Elizabeth about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, Elizabeth proudly put it under the tree.

When her father asked her if he could shake it and guess what's inside, she said, "No, T-shirts don't rattle."


December 18, 2012 - Shopping Wife Find
A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later.

The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented.

Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful blonde on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me! Quick!"

She said, "Why?"

"Because I've been looking for my wife all over this mall and I can't find her," the man replied.

"How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is."

"I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!"


December 17, 2012 - 49 Cards
A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them.

Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading the message inside.

On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her friends.

Much to her dismay, it read like this:

This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way.

Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.


December 14, 2012 - A Boy's Prayer
A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

December 13, 2012 - Boot Lesson
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

December 12, 2012 - The Gift of Children

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."


December 11, 2012 - Hearing Loss
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor,'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response... So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

"Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"


December 11, 2012 - Robbery

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'


December 7, 2012 - Time to Pray

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."


December 6, 2012 - All Men / All Girls
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"


December 5, 2012 - Say a Prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"


December 4, 2012 - Murphy's Afterthoughts -----Murphy's Other 15 Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing bad. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Texas would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


December 3, 2012 - Following Orders
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

November 2012

November 30, 2012 - Moses and the Red Sea
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

November 29, 2012 - The Lord is My Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

November 28, 2012 - Unanswered Prayer
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

November 27, 2012 - Being Thankful
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

November 26, 2012 - Untimely Answered Prayer
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"


November 23, 2012 - Lot's WifeThe Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"


November 22, 2012 - Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


November 21, 2012 - Did Noah Fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."


November 20, 2012 - Higher Power
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"


November 19, 2012 - Toll Booth
An automobile driver was driving along when he approached a toll booth.

Because he was also using his cell phone, he did not pay enough attention and swerved, crashing into an adjacent toll booth which fortunately was not occupied at the moment. However, the impact completely smashed the toll booth into hundreds of little pieces.

He immediately pulled over. Presently a work crew arrived. The crew leader got out, got out a large paint can full of some kind of white liquid. He and the rest of the crew immediately brushed the contents of that can onto the broken pieces of the toll booth and started putting it back together again.

After about twenty minutes, the job was done; the toll booth looked as good as new.

"That is amazing, said the man to the crew chief. May I ask what is that white liquid you were brushing onto the broken pieces?"

"Yes, of course. A number of folks have asked about that," the repair crew leader said. "That, sir is toll gate booth paste."


November 16, 2012 - Morning March
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."


November 15, 2012 - Religion Class
One day a discussion was focused on St. Francis of Assisi in a First Grade religion class.

After school, a First Grader came home all excited and blurted out to his mother, "Guess what, Mommy? I learned in school that St. Francis was a sissy!"


November 13, 2012 - Put or Putt?

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."


November 13, 2012 - This town is so small . . .
- The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

- Main Street, which is one block long, dead ends in both directions.

- McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.

- The phone book has only one page.

- The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2.

- The New Year's baby was born in October.

- The ZIP code is a fraction.

- The city limits signs are both on the same post.

- Second Street is in the next town over.

- There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

- A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

- The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.


November 12, 2012 - The Art of Romance
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.


November 8, 2012 - Grandma Jones in the Hospital
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."


November 8, 2012 - Little Boy's Prayer
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am.'


November 7, 2012 - Dads and Babies
My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair." Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."

November 6, 2012 - Christian Upbringing
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'


November 5, 2012 - Five Year Old's Prayer
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


November 2, 2012 - Graduation Speech Notes
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice."

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a sly grin and said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."


November 1, 2012 - God's Creation
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"

October 2012

October 31, 2012 - Remembering You
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'


October 30, 2012 - Conversation
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'


October 29, 2012 - Deathbed Request
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'


October 22, 2012 - 6 Items or Less Lane
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


October 23, 2012 - No Reservations
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.


October 24, 2012 - Politicians
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


October 25, 2012 - Father of the Bride
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.


October 24, 2012 - Women and Cats
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


October 19, 2012 - Carried Away Shoppin
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In a shop, two men struck up a conversation.

Just as one fellow said that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power outage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

'That,' he sighed, 'must be her checking out now.'


October 18, 2012 - Living to 104
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."


October 17, 2012 - Do It Yourself Appliance Repair
My wife and I were newly married and I was trying to impress her with my technical expertise.

I was trying to repair our washing machine but was unable to determine where a loose wire belonged. After working at it for several minutes, I decided to consult the experts.

I took the wire along with all the details (model, serial number, etc.) of my machine to a local repair shop. I explained my situation to the technician, who looked at the wire for several minutes. He said he thought it looked familiar, but he couldn't tell me where it belonged either.

Taking the wire, he said he would have to consult with some colleagues who were working in the back.

After several minutes, he reemerged with the wire in hand. He said they decided the mystery wire had nothing to do with the operation of my washing machine. It was the underwire from one of my wife's bras.

I'm sure the technicians in the shop had a nice laugh at my expense. I was still red-faced and embarrassed when I returned home to tell my wife about my discovery.

And she hasn't stopped laughing yet!


October 16, 2012 - Dads and Babies
My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair." Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."


October 15, 2012 - Grandma Jones in the Hospital
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."


October 12, 2012 - A Dollar Per Point
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.


October 11, 2012 - Teaching Hazards
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction.

I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.

"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."


October 10, 2012 - First Salute
The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.

When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.

He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."


October 9, 2012 - Health Priorities
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen.


October 8, 2012 - I Think Not
I do not think -- therefore I am not.

Here is the illustration of this principle:

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?"

Descartes replied, "I think not," and promptly vanished.


October 5, 2012 - Church Bulletin Bloopers

The following have all genuinely appeared in church bulletins!

* Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.

* Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale; it is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


October 4, 2012 - More Church Bulletin Bloopers

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


October 3, 2012 - Accountancy Exam

Dewey wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop and then I give you another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of pop have you got?
Dewey: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Dewey: I've already got one rabbit at home!


October 2, 2012 - Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because they don't like using the same kind of soap their mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and like he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.

Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for goodness sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.


October 1, 2012 - Religious Customs

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago.

On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home.

"Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

September 2012

September 28, 2012 - The Mayor's Burden
One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.

The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?"

The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."


September 27, 2012 - Encouraging the Sick
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."

"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."


September 26, 2012 - Morning Run
The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."


September 25, 2012 - Psalm 23 Summary
A Sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."

She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.


September 24, 2012 - Open Microphone
While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."


September 21, 2012 - Coupon Heaven
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now."

“Coupon heaven?" the checker said.

"Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.


September 20, 2012 - Eating Out
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.


September 19, 2012 - Empty Nest Syndrome
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.....

You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.

You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.

You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.

You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.

The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.

They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.

You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.

You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.

Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.

You still hide your best make-up.


September 18, 2012 - Reputation

I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss.

One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.

"What's the matter?" I asked him.

"Uh, nothing," he replied, "I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch."


September 17, 2012 - Police Report
A motorist collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the police report were:

Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn.

Q - What warning was given by the other party?


September 14. 2012 - Cheap Motel
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6am wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6am!" I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"


September 13. 2012 - Lack of Empathy
A tourist on his way to Tuscaloosa, came to a fork in the road and stopped. There was no sign indicating which route went where.

Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa?"

"Not to me it don't." replied the boy.


September 12. 2012 - Signs You Need a New Pizza Place
~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.

~ The delivery kid is packing.

~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.

~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.

~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"

~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.

~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.

~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.

~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."

~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."

~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.

~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.

~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.


September 11. 2012 - Reverent Behavior
At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:

"In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!"


September 10. 2012 - Thoughts on Golfing
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you'll go out and for no reason at all you'll really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt," you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.


September 7, 2012 - Largest Amphibious Assault

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."


September 6, 2012 - Sightseeing at Alcatraz
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren't good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."


September 4, 2012 - Communication in Marriage
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second kick I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"


September 4, 2012 - Sugar Packets Announcement
The Building Committee has been informed that opened sugar packets are being found in the nursery area.

We have had some serious problems with ants in the past and would like to avoid any recurrences if possible.

Coffee drinkers, please dispose of these packets properly.

If you are a coffee drinker but can't read yet, please have your parents explain this to you.


September 3, 2012 - Waiting For Heaven
When Sara was 6, her new puppy became seriously ill, and the vet didn't know if he could save it.

I felt very bad for Sara, because this was her first pet and it had been a Christmas gift, so I said to her, "Don't worry, Honey. Just remember, if Fluffy dies, we'll see her in heaven."

Sara looked at me as if I were simple-minded and said, "Well, yes, Daddy, but heaven's a long way off for me. I'm only six."

August 2012

August 31, 2012 - First Kiss
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh, come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?"

"Oh, come on. There's nobody around. They're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh, please, please. I like you so much!"

"No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh, yes you can. Please!"

"No, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease!"

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.
In a sleepy voice, the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"


August 30, 2012 - Prison Sign Fail
Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York:

"The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."


August 29, 2012 - Reverent Behavior
At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:

"In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!"


August 28, 2012 - Behavior Modification Reinforcers
The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply.


August 27, 2012 - Children in Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


August 24, 2012 - Dog Barking Payback

A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.

The husband jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs.

The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "Honey, the dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The husband says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"


August 23, 2012 - The Politician Dance
There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."


August 22, 2012 - Passing Along Wisdom
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, do fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers. "How?"


August 21, 2012 - Signs You Need a New Pizza Place
~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.

~ The delivery kid is packing.

~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.

~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.

~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"

~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.

~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.

~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.

~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."

~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."

~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.

~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.

~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.


August 20, 2012 - Street Address
I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."


August 17, 2012 - Insurance Check and Double Take
Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”


August 16, 2012 - Being a Pastor Isn't Easy
Two ministers met in the after life.

One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?"

The other said, "This isn't heaven!"


August 15, 2012 - In the Fitting Room
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"


August 14, 2012 - The Facts of Life
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school ..
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers !

“Koos from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.“

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I couldn’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to make me himself!!!”


August 13, 2013 - Generation Gaps
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!


August 10, 2012 - HoneyAn elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: 'Honey', 'My Love', 'Darling', 'Sweetheart', etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names."

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old fart what his name is."


August 9, 2012 - Cure For Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"


August 8, 2012 - Bloopers in the Media
"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach


August 7, 2012 - Gaudiness, Godliness, and Self-Control
Many years ago, when my 9 year old daughter was 3, we went to our usual Sunday morning church service. We were seated and waiting for the service to begin, when this woman walked by us in a really bright, gaudy dress. My husband, who never says anything about anyone, even made a comment about how "loud" the dress was.

After the service was over, we were standing outside the church chatting with another couple. I couldn't see my daughter and then I noticed her standing right next to (practically on top of) the woman with the dress. When I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm trying to hear this dress mom. Dad said it was really loud, but I haven't heard it make a peep yet."

Everyone within earshot, with the exception of my husband and the woman in the dress burst out laughing. My husband wanted to crawl in a hole, and I have to say I never saw that particular dress worn again.


August 6, 2012 - Address Change
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"


August 3, 2012 - Dangerous Criminal
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."


August 2, 2012 - Jeep Stuck
During training exercises, the green lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.

He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."


August 1, 2012 - Good Company
A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?"

"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."

July 2012

July 31, 2012 - Customer Service
Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce, Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.

"We need three," I insisted. "Which one is this?"

"All of them," she replied. "You want hot, put more on."


July 30, 2012 - Pilot, Let's Go!
With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a cameraman for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?!"


July 27, 2012 - Senior's Drivers License

A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.

"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"

"Yes" she replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket."

"You won't be needing this anymore," he said.

"So I thanked him and left.'


July 26, 2012 - Basic Training
For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training.

It was clear that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard duty, he cried out, "Halt! Don't shoot, or I'll move!"


July 25, 2012 - Legalism

Here is a purported-to-be-true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require cakes and ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

July 24, 2012 - New Number
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr.Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."


July 23, 2012 - Family Moving
When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy - an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.

"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."

"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"


July 20, 2012 - Flying Home

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, but we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"


July 19, 2012 - Two Blondes and a Sod Truck
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."


July 18, 2012 - Cab Driver Etiquette

On a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.

The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?"

"Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."


July 17, 2012 - Pronunciation
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.


July 16, 2012 - Laundry
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt...

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.

'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '


July 13, 2012 - Yosemite Bears
A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.


July 12, 2012 - Rabbit Trick
The problem: There's a box with a hole at each end, and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later, etc., etc. How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?

In theory, two minutes.

In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.


July 11, 2012 - Life Changes
I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


July 10, 2012 - Computer Users

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate, and Expert.

Novice User - Someone who is afraid that simply pressing a key might break a computer.

Intermediate User - Someone who doesn't know how to fix a computer after pressing the key that broke it.

Expert User - Someone who presses the key that breaks someone else's computer.


July 9, 2012 - 10 Questions
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the strangest thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"


July 5, 2012 - Child's Prayer
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


July 4, 2012 - Church Teaching
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'


July 3, 2012 - Taking Turns
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'


July 2, 2012 - Heaven
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand..

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'

June 2012

June 29, 2012 - Haircut for a Car
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." (You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"


June 28, 2012 - Hair Color

Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling out the forms. When she came to the line "Color of Hair," she put, "L'oreal Preference 8 1/2B."

June 27, 2012 - Respect for Rank
A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., where he spent his spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon he became a guide of sorts for some senior non-commissioned officers.

Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water.

He noticed the puzzled look on the face of the young soldier.

"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained.

June 26, 2012 - Missed Calls
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor.

He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

June 25, 2012 - Died of Shame

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.

She had just had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!
“ Why?” Her Mother asked.

Annie said, “Karen from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

June 22, 2012 - Ode to a Shedding Cat
I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee.

Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds.

I sweep the floor,
You shed some more.

I wash the rug
And you just shrug.

You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew-cut cat.


June 21, 2012 - Respect and Position
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby.

Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.

"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."

"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.

"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."

Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"

"Of the United States," Nixon answered.


June 20, 2012 - Restaurant Rating
I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."


"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."


June 19, 2012 - Few Words
Calvin Coolidge, the 30th president of the United States, was popularly known as "Silent Cal." One time at a party, a woman walked up to him and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."

Coolidge replied, "You lose."


June 18, 2012 - New Librarian
The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.

The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully, "At least that other librarian we had could write."


June 15, 2012 - Shaving Comeback
I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.

The new barber, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?"

"No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."


June 14, 2012 - Introductions
One day while shopping, my chatter bug daughter who was three at the time introduced herself to the lady behind us at the check out.

She proceeded to tell the lady her sister's name and then said and to the lady, "This is my mom. Her name is Mom."


June 13, 2012 - Corporate Change

When the company I worked for had an employee-suggestion competition, I told my staff to submit entries that would save money for the firm.

The winner was a man in my department who suggested we post corporate memos on bulletin boards instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.

A memo announcing the prize went out to 200 people


June 12, 2012 - Raising Children
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!


June 11, 2012 - E-Parenting

Debbie wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend's phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie's computer and saw a list of email addresses.

She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was.

Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn't to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone.


June 8, 2012 - Animal Characteristics
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.

The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.

Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."

The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.

"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"


June 7, 2012 - Connecting Chaos

The fur began to fly when my fellow airline passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flight out of Aspen. When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got.

Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, "Those of you continuing on to L.A. wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over."


June 6, 2012 - Driver's License Examiners
While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.

The examiner asked her, "Could you get a little closer?"

Instead of moving the car, she slid over.


June 5, 2012 - Promises
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"


June 4, 2012 - Young Love
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."


June 1, 2012 - Human Nature
A burglar who needed money to pay his income taxes decided to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

May 2012

May 31, 2012 - Middle Name
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


May 30, 2012 - Passing Notes
An elderly couple are attending a church service.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


May 29, 2012 - Baggage Problem

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"

She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."


May 28, 2012 - Telling the Truth

After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

"Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"

I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"


May 25, 2012 - Gardening
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie


May 24, 2012 - Deer Crossing
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


May 23, 2012 - Food Service
My daughter went to a local taco restaurand and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.


May 22, 2012 - Baggage
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'


May 21, 2012 - Crosswalk
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people wh en the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'


May 18, 2012 - Fast Food Drive Thru
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.


May 17, 2012 - Garage Door Repairman

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two'


May 16, 2012 - Ford Dealership
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had
been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'


May 15, 2012 - Bank Teller
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....


May 14, 2012 - Why God Made Moms
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes in the back of her head.


May 11, 2012 - New Number Request
Mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.

When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused.

So Mom said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that the bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.


May 10, 2012 - Doctor's Party Advice
Judi strolled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said coyly, "Doctor, may I ask a question?"

"Certainly," he said.

"Lately," said Judi, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart . . ."

The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Judi, but I'm a doctor of philosophy."

"Oooh," she said, "I'm sorry!"

She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is 'philosophy'?"


May 9, 2012 - Driver's License Examiners
While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.

The examiner asked her, "Could you get a little closer?"

Instead of moving the car, she slid over.


May 8, 2012 - Promises
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"


May 7, 2012 - Elderly
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


May 4, 2012 - Dress-up

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


May 3, 2012 - Death
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)


May 2, 2012 - School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


May 1, 2012 - Kids in Church
3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen.'