December 30, 2011 - Passing Time
My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college -- at least, that's what we tell each other. But our children have a way of bringing us crashing back to earth.
Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for public office.
"He's a Vietnam vet," commented my husband.
"What's that?" queried our young daughter.
Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well, honey, that means that the man fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."
Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment and then asked, "So, was he a Viking?"
December 29, 2011 - Sympathy and Compassion
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."
December 28, 2011 - Wet Grades
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
The boy says, "It's my grades. They're all wet."
"What do you mean `all wet?'"
"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
December 27, 2011 - Police Rescue
I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out.
The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.
"Why, Bill," said Grandma, "You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
December 26, 2011 - Funeral Expenses
A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name.
After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.
The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? Wow! How big was it?"
The widow replied, "Three carats."
December 23, 2011 - Ticket Excuse
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because he had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in an advanced state of decomposition.
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
December 22, 2011 - Shopping Advice
While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye.
"Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.
"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"
December 21, 2011 - Credit Requests
An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
December 20, 2011 - Keyboard Switch
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What?!" exclaimed the teacher.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. This conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
December 19, 2011 - Name Calling
Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
December 16, 2011 - Idealism
My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.
When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks.
"Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
December 15, 2011 - Christmas Cookie Rules...
1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!
7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!
So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!
December 14, 2011 - Top Ten Toys You May Have Trouble Finding This Year
10. Sister's Dollhouse and Night Vision Ninja Assassin
9. Tuba Hero - World Tour
8. Low Self Esteem Elmo
7. 'Lil Embittered Lego Airport Traffic Controller
6. U Push Mommy's Buttons
5. Thumpy Thump Roadside Furry Friends
4. Police Crime Tape Craft Kit
3. High School Musical Audition Losers Puppet Pals
2. Big 'unsafe at any speed' Wheel
1. Wi-Wheezer: Grandpa Edition
December 13, 2011 - Lost in the Woods
Two hunters got lost in the woods. The first hunter said, "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."
So they shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again; still no response.
Finally the second hunter said, "I suppose we can try again, but it better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows."
December 12, 2011 - Burglary
The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.
"It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."
"Why is that?" the detective asked.
"Because today everything was on sale."
December 9, 2011 - Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out..
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's underwear".
December 8, 2011 - Tethered Preacher
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
December 7, 2011 - Hushers
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
December 6, 2011 - Grandma
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
December 5, 2011 - Which Virgin
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"
December 2, 2011 - Better Boy
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
December 1, 2011 - Quiet
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.