October 31, 2011 - Expensive Cosmetics
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet."
October 28, 2011 - Fred's Final Note
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note and read, "Please step to your left - you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
October 27, 2011 - Bus Fare to Train Station
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."
October 26, 2011 - Keyboard Jockey Exercise
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) that don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it."If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?"
October 25, 2011 - Gilligan's Island
If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?
October 24, 2011 - This Is Good
The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"
"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."
Situations may not always seem pleasant while we are in them, but the promise of God is clear. If we love Him and live our lives according to His precepts, even that which seems to be bleak and hopeless will be turned by God for His glory and our benefit.
Hold on, God is faithful!
October 21, 2011 - Congratulations on 160 Years
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
October 20, 2011 - Pete Died
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale."
October 19, 2011 - Drug Inspection
A DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"
October 18, 2011 - Boss and E-Mail
I used to work for a multimillion dollar consulting firm doing desktop support. The gentleman who was in charge of several large government contracts decided he needed to send a letter via e-mail and wanted to know how to do so. Easy enough I suppose, until he happily handed me his letter on a sheet of paper crumpled up into a ball.
"That is the letter I want to send," he said. "Can't you stuff it into the floppy drive and send it"?
I tried to contain my laughter and explained to him how e-mail worked. Of course, after I left, I went outside and cried tears of uncontrollable laughter.
My boss never could get the hang of e-mail. He only used e-mail for one thing:sending weekly messages to his daughter, an English instructor in Saipan. We will call her Mary Smith, but that was not her name. Her address was simple enough, but every week he would call me over to the computer with another problem.
Boss: "It's gone! The e-mail I just spent an hour typing is gone!"
Me: "What happened"?
Boss: "I clicked 'Send,' and it just disappeared!"
Me: "It's in your outbox, because you told the computer to 'Send' it."
This happened almost every week. Either that or:
Boss: "It won't let me send this message."
Me: "You need to type her exact e-mail address, not just 'Mary Smith' in the To: field."
Boss: "Well, how many Mary Smiths could there be in Saipan"?
Boss: "I send e-mail every week, they ought to know who it goes to by now!"
Boss: "I thought computers were supposed to be smart!"
He would always send his e-mails on Tuesday so they would get to his daughter by Saturday.
October 17, 2011 - Officer Overboard
On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"
"I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily.
"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"
The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"
October, 14, 2011 - Wisdom
Google before you tweet is the new think before you speak.
October, 13, 2011 - Hypochondriac
The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem."
October, 12, 2011 - Little Johnny's Bike
Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors. His dad was surprised when Johnny's mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it will spread it over a wider area."
October, 11, 2011 - Accounting Secret
There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws. There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.
Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a moment, and then close and lock it again. This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this genius exhibited. For years no one dared to breach etiquette and snoop through his desk, but his odd behavior became something of a legend around the office.
One day when the elderly man was home sick, one junior accountant could control himself no longer. Taking a letter opener he carefully pried open the desk lock. Inside he found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:
"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"
October, 10, 2011 - Burial Costs
"It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living."
October 7, 2011 - Snapdragon Part of life
I have entered the snapdragon part of life.
Part of me has snapped and the rest is draggin'.
October 6, 2011 - Other's Welfare
Two brothers worked together on the family farm. One was married and had a large family. The other was single. At the day's end, the brothers shared everything equally, produce and profit.
Then one day the single brother said to himself, "It's not right that we should share equally the produce and the profit. I'm alone and my needs are simple." So each night he took a sack of grain from his bin and crept across the field between their houses, dumping it into his brother's bin.
Meanwhile, the married brother said to himself, "It's not right that we should share the produce and the profit equally. After all, I'm married and I have my wife and my children to look after me in years to come. My brother has no one, and no one to take care of his future." So each night he took a sack of grain and dumped it into his single brother's bin.
Both men were puzzled for years because their supply of grain never dwindled. Then one dark night the two brothers bumped into each other. Slowly it dawned on them what was happening.
They dropped their sacks and embraced one another.
October 5, 2011 - Key West Tourists
I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and ask me what to do at night.
I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.
They would reply, "How often is that?"
October 4, 2011 - Really Impressed
As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a pleasant woman who needed emotional support because of some recurring health problems.
After six months of treating her, I was really impressed with my work. In one session, my patient was reviewing her career and personal accomplishments over the last 50 years as a way to boost her self-esteem.
Suddenly she paused and looked at me. What she said next brought my ego back in line. "Honey," she asked sweetly, "what was it again that you do for a living?"
October 3, 2011 - Caddy Advice
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee, telling him that he was a better golfer than that, and how dare the caddy underestimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one long putt..."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.