August 31, 2011 - Vacation Shopping
Throughout our month long tour of Europe, my wife's only complaint was that there was never enough time for shopping. Nearing the end of our trip, we stopped for lunch at a pub in a small town near London. We wrote postcards and my wife volunteered to take them to the nearest postbox while I made a long-distance phone call. The British long distance system defeated me until I was helped by an attractive girl who was standing at the bar.
Completing my call, I saw her with a suitcase standing at a bus stop. I found out she was going close to our destination so I offered her a lift and suggested she get in the back seat of the car.
There was still no sign of my wife, so I went to look for her. Ten minutes later, I found her in a store. She was bulging with parcels. Giving me a big grin, she said, "That'll teach you to leave me alone for a few minutes."
It was my turn to grin as I said, "Wait until you see what's in the back seat of the car."
August 30, 2011 - Cardless Flowers
The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came from.
Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers.
The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.
"Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"
August 29, 2011 - Virginia Earthquake
The U.S. Geological Survey has determined that the epicenter of the Virginia earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of Washington, D.C.
The cause appears to be the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves.
August 26, 2011 - Early Rising
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.
Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."
"You wake up at six o'clock?"
"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
August 25, 2011 - Growing Old
Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
August 25, 2011 - Twitter Addiction
A man walks into Doctor’s and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."
August 23, 2011 - Slow Down Therapy
1. Rest on your laurels. They bring comfort whatever their size, age, or condition.
2. Talk slower. Talk less. Don't talk. Communication isn't measured by words.
3. Give yourself permission to be late sometimes. Life is for living, not scheduling.
4. Listen to the song of a bird; the complete song. Music and nature are gifts, but only if you are willing to receive them.
5. Take time just to think. Action is good and necessary, but it's fruitful only if we muse, ponder, and mull.
6. Make time for play-the things you like to do. Whatever your age, your inner child needs re-creation.
7. Watch and listen to the night sky. It speaks.
8. Listen to the words you speak, especially in prayer.
9. Learn to stand back and let others take their turn as leaders. There will always be new opportunities for you to step out in front again.
10. Divide big jobs into little jobs. If God took six days to create the universe, can you hope to do any better?
11. When you find yourself rushing and anxious, stop. Ask yourself "WHY?" you are rushing and anxious. The reasons may improve your self-understanding.
12. Take time to read the Bible. Thoughtful reading is enriching reading.
13. Direct your life with purposeful choices, not with speed and efficiency. The best musician is one who plays with expression and meaning, not the one who finishes first.
August 23, 2011 - Why Universities Would Never Give God a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
11. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
12. Some say he had his son teach the class.
13. He expelled his first two students for learning.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his students failed his tests.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
16. No record of working well with colleagues.
August 19, 2011 - Anniversary Flight
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
August 18, 2011 - Response Times
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times:
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval.
"Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said,
"That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half
August 17, 2011 - Pest Control
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.
One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
August 16, 2011 - Shott Versus Nott
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.
It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.
August 15, 2011 - Colons
My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was and I explained that it was a part of the body that food goes through before being eliminated.
Then she asked me what a semicolon was and I told her that it was a colon the size of a truck with eighteen wheels.
August 12, 2011 - Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
5. Make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later start all over again.
6. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs.
7. Sweep the room with a glance.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby cre ating a romantic atmosphere.
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
August 11, 2011 - Father's Occupation
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."
August 10, 2011 - Cheaper Insurance
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."
My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
August 9, 2011 - Cheap Suit
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.
"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.
"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.
"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two doctors happened along and noticed him.
"Good grief," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."
"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"
August 8, 2011 - Mental Victories
A newly deputized police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too; probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us all how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of lousy handcuffs. Why don't you show us just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy gingerly asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
August 5, 2011 - Mom's Bath Note
Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)
Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.
"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.
Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.
Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.
Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me.
No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.
Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire.
Call me if there is an emergency.
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.
One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.
By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.
Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon. Maybe.
Love, Your Mom
August 4, 2011 - Official ID Card
My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour with the Royal Navy in England.
Everyone who drove through the base's gates was required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.
As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started flashing different forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards.
The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.
August 3, 2011 - One Hundred Dollars From God
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God.
He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads:
"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. "
"P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving crooks at the Post Office."
August 2, 2011 - Border Declaration
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.
"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.
Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
August 1, 2011 - Fish Stories
Two ardent fishermen met on their vacation and began swapping stories about the different places they had fished, the kind of tackle used, the best bait, and finally about some of the fish they had caught. One of them told of a vicious battle he once had with a 300-pound salmon.
The other man listened attentively. He frankly admitted he had never caught anything quite that big. However, he told about the time his hook snagged a lantern from the depths of a lake. He said: "the lantern carried a tag proving it was
lost back in 1912. But the strangest thing of all was the fact that It was a waterproof lantern and the light was still lit inside of it!"
For a long time the first man said nothing. Then he took one long deep breath and then said to the other man, "I'll tell you what I'll do," he said slowly.
"I'll take 200 pounds off my fish, if you'll put out the light in your lantern."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.