May 31, 2011 - Life
Civilization makes it possible for you to live off other persons instead of off the land.
May 30, 2011 - Decisions
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.”
May 27, 2011 - Baby News
The couple had been married about a year when one day the woman came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.
"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.
Then she said "Oh, Honey there's more."
"What do you mean more?", he asked.
"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
May 26, 2011 -Animal Crackers
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
May 25, 2011 -Library Confusion
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
May 24, 2011 -Census Taker
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."
"A what?" the man asked.
"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."
"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
May 23, 2011 -Mischievous Grandkids
My daughter spent the night over at my mom's house one weekend. She is 3 and full of mischief.
My mom told her, "You must behave if you want to stay again overnight.”
My daughter looked at her and said, "Yes your Majesty Princess Gramma of Coolness!"
May 20, 2011 - Golfer's Tale
A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!"
"What did you do?" asked his friends.
"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed up another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done."
May 19, 2011 - Raisin Bran Crime
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
"What happened?" asks the first officer.
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"
"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
May 18, 2011 - Self-Confidence Test
Are you confident in your self-confidence? Try this test.
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
May 17, 2011 - Ah, Mozart
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You goober! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
May 16, 2011 - Sandwich Perfection
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin. I licked it off.
It was NOT mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
May 13, 2011 - Success
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
May 12, 2011 - Train Track
You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!
May 11, 2011 - Respect
Watch carefully how your date treats servers and other workers; it's how you're going to get treated in six months.”
May 10, 2011 - More Laughs
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." The pastor continued with the full service - including a 40 minute sermon. On the way out the farmer said, "I said I would still feed the one cow - not feed him the whole herds food."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
May 9, 2011 - Train Candy Bar
Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride, with Billy's mother.
A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar.
Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" asked Billy.
Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
May 6, 2001 - Trusting the Pilot
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
May 5, 2001 - Over the Hill
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
May 4, 2001 - Stolen Goose
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!
Priest: That is very wrong.
Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?
Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.
Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.
Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.
Confessor: Thank you, Father.
The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...
May 3, 2001 - Heavenly Rates
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
May 2, 2001 - Kicking
When a fellow is kicking, he has only one leg to stand on.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.