April - 29, 2011 - Suspense
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I . . .”
April 28, 2011 - Humor
“If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.”
The Strangest and most Beautiful Streets in the World
April 27, 2011 - Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
April 26, 2011 - Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
April 25, 2011 - Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
April 22, 2011 - DIY Complications
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."
April 21, 2011 - Child's Play
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.
One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
April 20, 2011 - Sidewalk Meeting
Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike apologized, "Pardon me!"
"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just like my fourth husband."
"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"
She winked at him and said, "Three."
April 19, 2011 - Marital Faithfulness
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
April 18, 2011 - Passwords
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
April 15, 2011 - Cough Remedy
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"
The clerk replies, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"
April 14, 2011 - Thirteen Year-Olds
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"
April 13, 2011 - A Touch of Home
Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."
April 12, 2011 - Lost Pigs
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:
"Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
April 11, 2011 - Clean House
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.”
April 11, 2011 - Decision
A company was hiring new staff. One question in the written exam was:
You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: an old lady who looks as if she is about to die, a doctor who had once saved your life, a man/woman you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain your answer.
Think about it before you continue reading.
This must be some kind of personality test. Every answer has its reasoning.
You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you should save her first. You could take the doctor, because he once saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you may never be able to find the perfect love once you pass this chance.
The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did not have to explain his answer.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
He simply answered: "Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."
Sometimes, we would gain more if we were able to give up our stubborn limitations.
April 8, 2011 - Intercom Repair
My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.
One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.
She asked, "Is that okay now?"
"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."
April 7, 2011 - Notary
I was the editor of a small daily newspaper. Someone came into the newsroom and asked if anyone was a notary public.
One not too bright reporter said, "I guess I am. I voted that way in the last election.”
April 6, 2011 - Top Ten Signs That You Are Webbed Out
10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"
9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.
8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Best viewed in Firefox" on one of the clouds.
7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.
6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.
4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
3. Your dog has his own Web page.
2. So does your hamster.
... and the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
April 5, 2011 - "Taa-Daa!"
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs the guy to hit him hard on the head.
The magician then puts his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in hospital and goes "Taa-Daa!"
April 4, 2011 - Bedside Manner
The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams.
After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."
"I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night."
April 1, 2011 - Everybody and Nobody
This is a little story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that
because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it,
but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.