Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2011

December 30, 2011 - Passing Time
My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college -- at least, that's what we tell each other. But our children have a way of bringing us crashing back to earth.

Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for public office.

"He's a Vietnam vet," commented my husband.

"What's that?" queried our young daughter.

Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well, honey, that means that the man fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."

Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment and then asked, "So, was he a Viking?"


December 29, 2011 - Sympathy and Compassion
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.

As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."

December 28, 2011 - Wet Grades
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

The boy says, "It's my grades. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."


December 27, 2011 - Police Rescue

I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out.

The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.

"Why, Bill," said Grandma, "You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."


December 26, 2011 - Funeral Expenses
A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name.

After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? Wow! How big was it?"

The widow replied, "Three carats."


December 23, 2011 - Ticket Excuse

Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.

A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because he had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in an advanced state of decomposition.

An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."

An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"


December 22, 2011 - Shopping Advice
While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye.

"Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.

"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"


December 21, 2011 - Credit Requests
An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."


December 20, 2011 - Keyboard Switch

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What?!" exclaimed the teacher.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. This conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.


December 19, 2011 - Name Calling

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.


December 16, 2011 - Idealism

My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.

When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks.

"Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."


December 15, 2011 - Christmas Cookie Rules...

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!


December 14, 2011 - Top Ten Toys You May Have Trouble Finding This Year
10. Sister's Dollhouse and Night Vision Ninja Assassin

9. Tuba Hero - World Tour

8. Low Self Esteem Elmo

7. 'Lil Embittered Lego Airport Traffic Controller

6. U Push Mommy's Buttons

5. Thumpy Thump Roadside Furry Friends

4. Police Crime Tape Craft Kit

3. High School Musical Audition Losers Puppet Pals

2. Big 'unsafe at any speed' Wheel

1. Wi-Wheezer: Grandpa Edition


December 13, 2011 - Lost in the Woods

Two hunters got lost in the woods. The first hunter said, "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."

So they shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again; still no response.

Finally the second hunter said, "I suppose we can try again, but it better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows."


December 12, 2011 - Burglary
The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.

"It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."

"Why is that?" the detective asked.

"Because today everything was on sale."


December 9, 2011 - Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out..

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's underwear".


December 8, 2011 - Tethered Preacher

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


December 7, 2011 - Hushers
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


December 6, 2011 - Grandma
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.


December 5, 2011 - Which Virgin
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"


December 2, 2011 - Better Boy
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."


December 1, 2011 - Quiet
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

November 2011

November 30, 2011 - Ring Bearer
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


November 29, 2011 - Prayer Request
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

November 28, 2011 - A Child's Prayer
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


November 25, 2011 - One Parachute

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.


November 24, 2011 - Field Test
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand. "Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.

"Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."


November 23, 2011 - New Girlfriend
"So, how are you getting along with your gorgeous new girlfriend?"

"Not so good. I asked her whether she could learn to love me."

"Yeah -- and?"

"She asked how much I was willing to spend on her education."


November 22, 2011 - Walking a Mile
Before you criticize someone, make sure you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes!


November 21, 2011 - Life Is Good
My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty,
The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.


November 18, 2011 - Eye Test
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.

I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.

I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.


November 17, 2011 - Money
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."


November 16, 2011 - Corporate Can-Do
Programmer to Team Leader:
"We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT** It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these types of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager:
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff with experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO:
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client:
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame."


November 15, 2011 - Business Smarts
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."


November 14, 2011 - Identity
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young boy and asked his name.....

"Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee", he replied.

"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me." said the little boy.


November 11, 2011 - Experienced Glazer
My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."


November 10, 2011 - Reasonable Doubt
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."


November 9, 2011 - Cargo Handler
Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents.

I finally realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church. But at first I thought I was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight.

The description read, "Instructions for the Assembly of God."

Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.


November 8, 2011 - Why Universities Would Never Give God a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

11. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

12. Some say he had his son teach the class.

13. He expelled his first two students for learning.

14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his students failed his tests.

15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

16. No record of working well with colleagues.


November 7, 2011 - Slow Down Therapy

1. Rest on your laurels. They bring comfort whatever their size, age, or condition.

2. Talk slower. Talk less. Don't talk. Communication isn't measured by words.

3. Give yourself permission to be late sometimes. Life is for living, not scheduling.

4. Listen to the song of a bird; the complete song. Music and nature are gifts, but only if you are willing to receive them.

5. Take time just to think. Action is good and necessary, but it's fruitful only if we muse, ponder, and mull.

6. Make time for play-the things you like to do. Whatever your age, your inner child needs re-creation.

7. Watch and listen to the night sky. It speaks.

8. Listen to the words you speak, especially in prayer.

9. Learn to stand back and let others take their turn as leaders. There will always be new opportunities for you to step out in front again.

10. Divide big jobs into little jobs. If God took six days to create the universe, can you hope to do any better?

11. When you find yourself rushing and anxious, stop. Ask yourself "WHY?" you are rushing and anxious. The reasons may improve your self-understanding.

12. Take time to read the Bible. Thoughtful reading is enriching reading.

13. Direct your life with purposeful choices, not with speed and efficiency. The best musician is one who plays with expression and meaning, not the one who finishes first.


November 4, 2011 - Letter to Paleoanthropology Division

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post, Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.

Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
2. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.

While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positatingfillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities


November 3 - Cute Nurses
My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up.

After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and said, "Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses."

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion.

"Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous."


November 2 - Life Change

One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?

The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"

"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.

"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?"

Again the mother replied, "Yes."

"Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"


November 1 - Vet Visit
In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"

October 2011

October 31, 2011 - Expensive Cosmetics
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

October 28, 2011 - Fred's Final Note
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note and read, "Please step to your left - you're standing on my oxygen tube!"


October 27, 2011 - Bus Fare to Train Station

Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"

"Sixty cents," said the driver.

The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"

"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."


October 26, 2011 - Keyboard Jockey Exercise
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) that don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it."If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?"


October 25, 2011 - Gilligan's Island
If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?


October 24, 2011 - This Is Good
The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."

Situations may not always seem pleasant while we are in them, but the promise of God is clear. If we love Him and live our lives according to His precepts, even that which seems to be bleak and hopeless will be turned by God for His glory and our benefit.

Hold on, God is faithful!


October 21, 2011 - Congratulations on 160 Years
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."


October 20, 2011 - Pete Died
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale."


October 19, 2011 - Drug Inspection
A DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"


October 18, 2011 - Boss and E-Mail
I used to work for a multimillion dollar consulting firm doing desktop support. The gentleman who was in charge of several large government contracts decided he needed to send a letter via e-mail and wanted to know how to do so. Easy enough I suppose, until he happily handed me his letter on a sheet of paper crumpled up into a ball.

"That is the letter I want to send," he said. "Can't you stuff it into the floppy drive and send it"?

I tried to contain my laughter and explained to him how e-mail worked. Of course, after I left, I went outside and cried tears of uncontrollable laughter.

My boss never could get the hang of e-mail. He only used e-mail for one thing:sending weekly messages to his daughter, an English instructor in Saipan. We will call her Mary Smith, but that was not her name. Her address was simple enough, but every week he would call me over to the computer with another problem.

Boss: "It's gone! The e-mail I just spent an hour typing is gone!"

Me: "What happened"?

Boss: "I clicked 'Send,' and it just disappeared!"

Me: "It's in your outbox, because you told the computer to 'Send' it."

Boss: "Oh."

This happened almost every week. Either that or:

Boss: "It won't let me send this message."

Me: "You need to type her exact e-mail address, not just 'Mary Smith' in the To: field."

Boss: "Well, how many Mary Smiths could there be in Saipan"?

or...

Boss: "I send e-mail every week, they ought to know who it goes to by now!"

or...

Boss: "I thought computers were supposed to be smart!"

He would always send his e-mails on Tuesday so they would get to his daughter by Saturday.


October 17, 2011 - Officer Overboard
On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"


October, 14, 2011 - Wisdom

Google before you tweet is the new think before you speak.


October, 13, 2011 - Hypochondriac
The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem."


October, 12, 2011 - Little Johnny's Bike
Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors. His dad was surprised when Johnny's mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it will spread it over a wider area."


October, 11, 2011 - Accounting Secret
There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws. There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.

Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a moment, and then close and lock it again. This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this genius exhibited. For years no one dared to breach etiquette and snoop through his desk, but his odd behavior became something of a legend around the office.

One day when the elderly man was home sick, one junior accountant could control himself no longer. Taking a letter opener he carefully pried open the desk lock. Inside he found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:

"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"


October, 10, 2011 - Burial Costs
"It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living."


October 7, 2011 - Snapdragon Part of life

I have entered the snapdragon part of life.

Part of me has snapped and the rest is draggin'.


October 6, 2011 - Other's Welfare
Two brothers worked together on the family farm. One was married and had a large family. The other was single. At the day's end, the brothers shared everything equally, produce and profit.

Then one day the single brother said to himself, "It's not right that we should share equally the produce and the profit. I'm alone and my needs are simple." So each night he took a sack of grain from his bin and crept across the field between their houses, dumping it into his brother's bin.

Meanwhile, the married brother said to himself, "It's not right that we should share the produce and the profit equally. After all, I'm married and I have my wife and my children to look after me in years to come. My brother has no one, and no one to take care of his future." So each night he took a sack of grain and dumped it into his single brother's bin.

Both men were puzzled for years because their supply of grain never dwindled. Then one dark night the two brothers bumped into each other. Slowly it dawned on them what was happening.

They dropped their sacks and embraced one another.


October 5, 2011 - Key West Tourists
I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and ask me what to do at night.

I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.

They would reply, "How often is that?"


October 4, 2011 - Really Impressed
As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a pleasant woman who needed emotional support because of some recurring health problems.

After six months of treating her, I was really impressed with my work. In one session, my patient was reviewing her career and personal accomplishments over the last 50 years as a way to boost her self-esteem.

Suddenly she paused and looked at me. What she said next brought my ego back in line. "Honey," she asked sweetly, "what was it again that you do for a living?"


October 3, 2011 - Caddy Advice
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee, telling him that he was a better golfer than that, and how dare the caddy underestimate his game.

So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one long putt..."

September 2011

September 30, 2011 - You Know You Are Over the Hill When
1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digit s.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

29. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

30. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.


September 29, 2011 - Dead Mule
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused and then replied, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"


September 28, 2011 - Six Days In Jail
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" she replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."


September 27, 2011 - Arm Injury
The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm.

"Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff.

The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain.

"Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?"

The man's arm shot above his head.


September 26, 2011 - Sticking Out

At our daughter's high school graduation, I couldn't help noticing a young man sporting a long bleached blond ponytail sprouting from the top of his otherwise shaved head. A heavy link chain hung around his neck, and one ear displayed several earrings.

I had to smile when I heard him say to his friend, "Man, I feel so out of place. I'm the only guy here not wearing a tie."


September 23, 2011 - Gorilla Removal
Did I tell you the story about the day I arrived home from work and discovered a gorilla sitting on my roof? Not knowing what to do, I opened the Yellow Pages and looked up "Gorilla Removal." I called the only listing. A man quickly arrived and removed the followng equipment from his truck: a ladder, a bunch of bananas, a big stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua and a gun.

As I was appropriately curious, I asked him what he was going to do with all that stuff. The man replied: "I'm going to use the ladder to get on the roof, then I'm going to throw the bananas to the gorilla. While he's busy eating them, I'm going to knock him off the roof with this stick. When he hits the ground the Chihuahua is going to bite him in the groin, at which time the gorilla will throw his hands in the air, and you slap the cuffs on him." I asked, "What about the gun?"

The man handed the gun to me and said, "Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, you shoot the Chihuahua!"


September 22, 2011 - Elderly Proposal
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled.

"Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


September 21, 2011 - Taxing Cinderella
The tax adviser had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.

The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"


September 20, 2011 - Legacy vs. Reality
On thinking ahead, from the novel "Artifact" by Greg Benford, a "hard" sci-fi writer who is also a physicist:

"There was a great mathematician named Hilbert, who telegraphed Berlin saying he had proved the outstanding unsolved problem in mathematics, a thing called Riemann's conjecture. It has to do with the roots of a well known function.

He sends this telegram to Berlin, where he's going to give a speech. Everybody gets excited. So Hilbert shows up and talks, and says nothing about the problem.

Somebody comes up to him after the speech and says, what about Riemann's conjecture, what's the solution?

Hilbert says he hasn't got one. He was taking his first airplane trip to Berlin, and was pretty nervous, so he sent the telegram in case he got killed."


September 19, 2011 - Gators!
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. When he was almost there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."


September 12, 2011 - Last Request
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."

The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."

The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!"

"But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!"

The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now."

The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now."

Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room.

"Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"

"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*."


September 13, 2011 - Music Saved My Life
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica.

"Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"


September 14, 2011 - Wise Uncle Rusty
Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his workshop.

That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they passed.

Day after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty just couldn't take it any more.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash cans.

After two weeks, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income, which I failed to factor in a fortnight ago when I met you" he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon concert. A month later, Sly Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from that day forward he said, "Look, my Social Security check just isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay ?"

"What? Just a crummy quarter ?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. No way, mister. We quit!"


September 15, 2011 - If I had a Parrot

Buy a parrot and teach him how to say this one thing: "Help! they transformed me into a parrot, help me!!"

September 16, 2011 - Golf course, may I help you?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it..,,,
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 O'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole, How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.
-----------------------------
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range Would you like to buy them back?


September 9, 2011 - Elevated Train
A man has to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decides to bring his wife. When they arrive at their hotel and are shown to their room, the man says, "You rest here while I register. I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!" the woman says.

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

"What are you doing here?" the husband asks.

The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"


September 8, 2011 - Elephant Thorn
A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?", the man muses to himself.

A few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the stare-down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... and THROWS HIM CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM TO DEATH!

Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.


September 7, 2011 - Army Arrival
My youngest brother, Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot and our other brother, John, is my crew chief.

Since John and I were headed to the Air Base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while John and I followed with his gear.

As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.

Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a lift...

No... they were seeing a new private arrive in his *own* helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!


September 6, 2011 - First Wedding
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.

When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."


September 5, 2011 - 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.


September 1, 2011 - Early Rising
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."


September 2, 2011 - Dog House Rules Progression
1.  Dogs are never permitted in the house.  The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2.  Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3.  Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4.  Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5.  Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6.  The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7.  Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8.  Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture...  upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9.  The dog never sleeps on the bed.  Period.

10.  Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11.  Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12.  Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13.  Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14.  Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping.  That's just not fair.

15.  The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

August 2011

August 31, 2011 - Vacation Shopping
Throughout our month long tour of Europe, my wife's only complaint was that there was never enough time for shopping. Nearing the end of our trip, we stopped for lunch at a pub in a small town near London. We wrote postcards and my wife volunteered to take them to the nearest postbox while I made a long-distance phone call. The British long distance system defeated me until I was helped by an attractive girl who was standing at the bar.

Completing my call, I saw her with a suitcase standing at a bus stop. I found out she was going close to our destination so I offered her a lift and suggested she get in the back seat of the car.

There was still no sign of my wife, so I went to look for her. Ten minutes later, I found her in a store. She was bulging with parcels. Giving me a big grin, she said, "That'll teach you to leave me alone for a few minutes."

It was my turn to grin as I said, "Wait until you see what's in the back seat of the car."

August 30, 2011 - Cardless Flowers
The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came from.

Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers.

The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.

"Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"

August 29, 2011 - Virginia Earthquake
The U.S. Geological Survey has determined that the epicenter of the Virginia earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of Washington, D.C.

The cause appears to be the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves.


August 26, 2011 - Early Rising
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."


August 25, 2011 - Growing Old
Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.


August 25, 2011 - Twitter Addiction
A man walks into Doctor’s and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”

The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."


August 23, 2011 - Slow Down Therapy
1. Rest on your laurels. They bring comfort whatever their size, age, or condition.

2. Talk slower. Talk less. Don't talk. Communication isn't measured by words.

3. Give yourself permission to be late sometimes. Life is for living, not scheduling.

4. Listen to the song of a bird; the complete song. Music and nature are gifts, but only if you are willing to receive them.

5. Take time just to think. Action is good and necessary, but it's fruitful only if we muse, ponder, and mull.

6. Make time for play-the things you like to do. Whatever your age, your inner child needs re-creation.

7. Watch and listen to the night sky. It speaks.

8. Listen to the words you speak, especially in prayer.

9. Learn to stand back and let others take their turn as leaders. There will always be new opportunities for you to step out in front again.

10. Divide big jobs into little jobs. If God took six days to create the universe, can you hope to do any better?

11. When you find yourself rushing and anxious, stop. Ask yourself "WHY?" you are rushing and anxious. The reasons may improve your self-understanding.

12. Take time to read the Bible. Thoughtful reading is enriching reading.

13. Direct your life with purposeful choices, not with speed and efficiency. The best musician is one who plays with expression and meaning, not the one who finishes first.

August 23, 2011 - Why Universities Would Never Give God a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

11. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

12. Some say he had his son teach the class.

13. He expelled his first two students for learning.

14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his students failed his tests.

15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

16. No record of working well with colleagues.


August 19, 2011 - Anniversary Flight

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.

The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:

"...underwater."


August 18, 2011 - Response Times
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times:

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval.

"Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said,

"That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half


August 17, 2011 - Pest Control
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."


August 16, 2011 - Shott Versus Nott
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.


August 15, 2011 - Colons
My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was and I explained that it was a part of the body that food goes through before being eliminated.

Then she asked me what a semicolon was and I told her that it was a colon the size of a truck with eighteen wheels.


August 12, 2011 - Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

5. Make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later start all over again.

6. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs.

7. Sweep the room with a glance.

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby cre ating a romantic atmosphere.

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.


August 11, 2011 - Father's Occupation
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."


August 10, 2011 - Cheaper Insurance
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."

My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."


August 9, 2011 - Cheap Suit
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.

"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good grief," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"


August 8, 2011 - Mental Victories
A newly deputized police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too; probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us all how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of lousy handcuffs. Why don't you show us just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy gingerly asked.

The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."


August 5, 2011 - Mom's Bath Note

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.
Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire.

Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.

Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love, Your Mom


August 4, 2011 - Official ID Card

My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour with the Royal Navy in England.

Everyone who drove through the base's gates was required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.

As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started flashing different forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards.

The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.


August 3, 2011 - One Hundred Dollars From God

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God.

He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads:

"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. "

"P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving crooks at the Post Office."


August 2, 2011 - Border Declaration
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.

Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."


August 1, 2011 - Fish Stories

Two ardent fishermen met on their vacation and began swapping stories about the different places they had fished, the kind of tackle used, the best bait, and finally about some of the fish they had caught. One of them told of a vicious battle he once had with a 300-pound salmon.

The other man listened attentively. He frankly admitted he had never caught anything quite that big. However, he told about the time his hook snagged a lantern from the depths of a lake. He said: "the lantern carried a tag proving it was
lost back in 1912. But the strangest thing of all was the fact that It was a waterproof lantern and the light was still lit inside of it!"

For a long time the first man said nothing. Then he took one long deep breath and then said to the other man, "I'll tell you what I'll do," he said slowly.

"I'll take 200 pounds off my fish, if you'll put out the light in your lantern."

July 2011

July 29, 2011 - Threatening Letters
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those goobers down at the Internal Revenue Service."


July 28, 2011 - Children in Restaurants

The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at the table -- Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their little son, Jonathan. She says, "Jonathan, what would you like?"

He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches."

He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have bread, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

This kid is four years old!

The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will fix you a grilled cheese sandwich."

She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan, the chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I forgot to ask you, though, what you want to drink."

He says, "I'll have a milkshake."

She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told you we don't serve milkshakes." (She was ready for him this time.) "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have ice cream. But we don't have the syrup."

He says, "You have a car, don't you?"


July 27, 2011 - Tennis Take On

A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the girl asks enthusiastic.

"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"


July 26, 2011 - Housekeeping

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake and frosted it; washed the kitchen windows; cleaned all the cupboards; scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls, and ceiling; and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."


July 25 2011 - Breaker, Breaker Dog Buddy

My son Ward owns a shiny green four-wheel-drive truck. He also owns a 110-pound black Labrador named Tony.

On trips, the dog generally sits on a platform behind the driver's seat, resting his huge head on Ward's shoulder as they travel cheek-to-cheek. Ward did not give this cozy arrangement a second thought until the day he took Tony with him on a trip to Montana.

While listening to his CB radio, Ward overheard one trucker remark to another, "See the little green four-wheeler you're about to pass? When you go by him, take a good look -- see if that's really a dog driving."


July 22, 2011 - Flight Attendant Trivia
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement:

"The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."


July 21, 2011 - Carbs
Low carb diets really go against the grain.


July 20, 2011 - Contribution

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."


July 19, 2011 - Out of Gas
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station.

"You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."


July 18, 2011 - Job Applications

A few weeks after a young man had been employed, he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I've discovered this is the first position you've ever held."

"True," the young man answered with a smile. "In your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."


July 15, 2011 - Vacation E-mails
Major Mark Wagner is planting a church for the Salvation Army (they do good work) in the same community I pastor in.

Mark is a very, very good friend of mine. If friendships were assigned a rank Mark would be much more than a major friend – he would be a general friend. Of course since friendships aren’t assigned ranks all I can say is that Mark is so much more than a general friend. To me he is a major friend.

Mark also has a PhD. This makes him a doctor friend – but he’s not the kind of doctor you go to for medical help. Once I did turn my head and cough for Mark, but that was just to be polite and avoid coughing on him. Really, we’re just friends.

Why am I telling you so much about Mark? Simply to share the following e-mail conversation his brother and his brother’s wife had with their kids while they were away on holidays.

E-mail #1-
We are in a really nice cabin on a river. Our cell phones do not pick up a signal however. If there is a need to contact us send an email (we do have wifi). There is a phone here but we can't tell what the number is. The owner of the cabin is Michael ****** (866) 555-****.

We love you.....be kind to each other! Mom

E-Mail #2
Hey mom, the house burnt down, all your plants died, David is missing, Mark got arrested, the lawn is trashed, I wrecked Mark’s truck into all three cars, and James left and hasn’t come back since you left. Much love, Joel

E-Mail #3
Call State Farm, buy Mom some roses, send Picasso to find David, get a bond to spring Mark, add a little nitrogen fertilizer to the grass, put some books out on the front step to lure James home, then turn yourself in to the police. Love Dad


July 14, 2011 - Phone Pun

So these 2 iPhones got married ... the wedding was beautiful, but the reception was horrible.

July 13, 2011 - Polite With No Manners
The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s - m - a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."


July 12, 2011 - Siblings

My seven-year-old son, Nick, received a snap-together electronic kit for his birthday. He learned that if you put a resistor in line with the speaker, it lowers the volume from the speaker.

During the six-hour car trip home from my parents' house, Nick had had about enough of his five-month-old brother's constant crying in the car. So he said, "I wish I had a resistor in my ear!"

July 11, 2011 - Disappointment with Parents
Laura and Freddy are cousins, and their grandma is babysitting them for the day.

Although Freddy's mom is the renowned chef in the family, Laura's mom prepared lunch earlier, including potatoes in the oven. But one fell and got badly burnt. Grandma jumped on the occasion to show the kids how to draw with it on a piece of paper.

Sad, Freddy observed: "My mom would NEVER burn potatoes for me!"


July 8, 2011 - 2503 Years Old
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple and asks the guide for details. The guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations and are still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 2,503 years old," replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he asks how he knew this precise figure.

"Easy," replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 2,500 years old, and that was three years ago."


July 7, 2011 - Naps
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


July 6, 2011 - Impartiality
A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and was nervous about presiding impartially over his first criminal trial. As a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was clearly against the defendant.

The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for him to instruct the jury. "The jury," he said, "is to convene to the guilty room."


July 5, 2011 - Didn't See That Coming

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."


July 4, 2011 - Better Grades

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.

One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."


July 1, 2011 - Nun Shopping

The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lourdes, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.

All went well until Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that is became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lourdes. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."

Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside.

There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lourdes. Where could she be?

Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

"Excuse me, Officer," said she, Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"

"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"