Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2010

December 31, 2010 - Moth or Man
A man walked into the doctor’s office.  The doctor asks him, “How can I help you today?”  The man answers, “Well doc, I have a problem.  You see...I think I’m a moth.”  The doctor replied, “I’m not sure I can help you sir.  I’m only a general practitioner.  Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?”  The man answers, “Actually, I on my way there, but I was walking by and saw your light on.”


December 30, 2010 - Complaining Husband - a poetic note
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.


December 29, 2010 - Information and Doctors
A sweet grandmother telephoned the local Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. Oooooh That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

"No, I'm Holly Finkel in room 302.....and that Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"


December 28, 2010 - Computer Replacement
Important Memo from Headquarters - Computer Replacement
Corporate has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support.

The goal is to remove all computers from the office by the end of the month. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. Here are the main advantages:

1. Simpler controls
2. No technical glitches (i.e. crashes)
3. Better time management due to upgraded Technical Support (see below)


December 27, 2010 - Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.


December 24, 2010 - The Philistine and the Tailpipe
A Philistine was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.  His car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that he was a Philistine, so he decided to have some fun. He told him just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the Philistine went home, got down on his hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe.  Nothing happened.  So he blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

His roommate, another Philistine, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first Philistine told him how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled his eyes and said, "Hellooo!  You need to roll up the windows first."


December 23, 2010 - A Few of Life’s Unanswered Questions - Part 1
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?


December 22, 2010 - The Resourceful Nun
A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said:

"I know that it is said that Jesus turned Water into Wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

December 21, 2010 - Concrete
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


December 20, 2010 - Need a Better Pastor
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.


December 17, 2010 - Perfect Church
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.


December 16 - 2010 - Opportunity
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.


December 15, 2010 - At Your Wit's End
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.


December 14, 2010 - Purpose
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

December 13, 2010 - And More What is a Grandparent?
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh”, he said, “she lives at the airport, ad when we want her, we just go get her. Then we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

December 10, 2010 - More What is a Grandparent?
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

December 9, 2010 - What is a Grandparent?
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

December 8, 2010 - Children's Logic

'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.'  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked.  'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'


December 7, 2010 -Slow Down Therapy - 2
- Once in a while, turn down the lights, the volume, the throttle, the invitations. Less really can be more.

- Let go. Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do - but often it is the best.

- Take a walk - but don't go anywhere. If you walk just to get somewhere, you sacrifice the walking.

- Count your friends. If you have one, you are lucky. If you have more, you are blessed. Bless them in return.

- Count your blessings - one at a time and slowly.

December 6, 2010 - Slow Down Therapy - 1
- Take a day off alone; make a retreat. You can learn from monks and hermits without becoming one.

- Pet a furry friend. You will give and get the gift of now.

- Work with your hands. It frees the mind.

- Take time to wonder. Without wonder, life is merely existence.

- Sit in the dark. It will teach you to see and hear, taste and smell.

December 3, 2010 - Stress
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.


December 2, 2010 - Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support:
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with ‘60 minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"


December 1, 2010 - Confidence
Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation.