September 30, 2010 - Raising Children
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
September 29, 2010 - Thomas
A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby.
As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, Thomas. Don't get excited, Thomas. Don't yell, Thomas."
A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little Thomas."
"Lady," he declared, "I'M THOMAS!"
September 28, 2010 - Military Inspection
The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. "Airman," he bellowed, "what do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?"
The startled airman replied, "Button it, sir!"
The colonel looked him in the eye and said, "Well?"
At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel's shirt pocket.
September 27, 2010 - A Thought to Ponder
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
September 24, 2010 - Management vs. Solutions
After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."
September 23, 2010 - Haley's Comment
The junior high school teacher was giving her students a test on American history.
One question was, "Who said, 'I regret that I have but one life to give to my country'?"
A youngster answered, "Nathan Haley said it. The saying is now known as Haley's Comment."
September 22, 2010 - Salesman Stop By
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."
"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache."
September 21, 2010 - Slow Down Therapy
1. Slow down; God is still in heaven. You are not responsible for doing it all yourself, right now.
2. Remember a happy, peaceful time in your past. Rest there. Each moment has richness that takes a lifetime to savor.
3. Set your own pace. When someone is pushing you, it's OK to tell them they're pushing.
4. Take nothing for granted: watch water flow, the corn grow, the leaves blow, your neighbor mow.
5. Taste your food. God gives it to delight as well as to nourish.
6. Notice the sun and the moon as they rise and set. They are remarkable for their steady pattern of movement, not their speed.
7. Quit planning how you're going to use what you know, learn, or possess. God's gifts just are; be grateful and their purpose will be clear.
8. When you talk with someone, don't think about what you'll say next. Thoughts will spring up naturally if you let them.
9. Talk and play with children. It will bring out the unhurried little person inside you.
10. Create a place in your home...at your work...in your heart...where you can go for quiet and recollection. You deserve it.
11. Allow yourself time to be lazy and unproductive. Rest isn't luxury; it's a necessity.
12. Listen to the wind blow. It carries a message of yesterday and tomorrow - and now. NOW counts.
September 20, 2010 - Medical News
Dr. Mike Wilson asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"
The patient replies, "Give me the good news."
Dr. Wilson says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."
September 17, 2010 - Listening
My husband says I never listen to him; at least I think that's what he said.
September 16, 2010 - And They Become One
When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
September 15, 2010 - Weight Loss
My doctor asked me if I'd thought about losing some weight and I told him I'd thought about it for 20 years.
September 14, 2010 - Solutions
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.
He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.
Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
September 13, 2010 - Chow
"Chow looks wonderful," I told the mess sergeant, a large, intimidating man. "I'd love seconds."
"You'll get the same as everyone else," he growled as he chucked food on my tray. "Now move it!"
After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest in the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
It was the mess sergeant.
"It's all right, son," he said. "You can grab seconds."
September 10, 2010 - Bunch Of Laughs
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. W. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church in AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A young girl answered: "Because they couldn't get a babysitter."
A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
Pastor: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
Rev. H.J. Dick, pastor of Emmaus Mennonite Church in KS, came to the end of a very heavy day at the New Year's Eve midnight service. Getting his tongue tangled, he announced, "Let us now stand and sing, Another Dear is Yawning."
September 9, 2010 - Worry
Worry is like a rocking chair; no matter how much you rock, you get nowhere.
September 8, 2010 - Learning Through Play
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
September 7, 2010 - Atheist
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
September 6, 2010 - 3rd Grade Assignment
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise." Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all. It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
September 3, 2010 - Mari's Voice
My friend Mari has a screechy voice that makes people queasy to hear it.
The other day she came over for dinner. I served squid.
After dinner she went out on the terrace and, observing a gorgeous sunset, she yelled in for the rest of us to come out and see it.
I felt suddenly nauseated. At first I thought it was something I had eaten.
Actually it was the call o' Mari.
September 2, 2010 - Mistakes
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
September 1, 2010 - Math Symbols
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than ( > ) and a less-than sign ( < ) on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.