July 30, 2010 - Away From His Desk
As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"
July 29, 2010 - Password Problems
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
July 28, 2010 - Name Confusion
Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."
"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"
"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
July 27, 2010 - Perley Moore Buys a Truck
There was a farmer, Perley Moore, who had recently bought a truck and found that the "basic price" was only the beginning. Once the salesman had added on all the extras -- towing package, toolbox, fifth-wheel attachment, etc. -- the price was quite a bit higher. Well, by a strange turn of fate, that same salesman stopped by Perley's farm one day to buy a cow. The dealer examined the herd, picked out a likely specimen, and asked about the price.
"That's a hundred-dollar cow," Moore replied directly.
"That's fair enough," said the salesman. "I'll take her."
"Well, now, that's the basic price," Moore added, getting out pencil and paper. "There are one or two extras, of course." He made a few notes and handed the paper to the dealer. Here is the final invoice:
Basic cow: $100
Two-tone exterior: $45
Storage compartment and dispensing device: $60
Four spigots @ $10 each: $40
Genuine cowhide upholstery: $75
Dual horns @ $7.50 each: $15
Automatic fly-swatter: $35
July 26, 2010 - Anniversaries
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
July 23, 2010 - Translation Tries
A Latin American minister was touring the U.S. in an effort to boost financial support for missionaries and ministries in his home country.
At a church luncheon, he was telling the guests about this home country, his family, and the important work being supported there. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
After a pause, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances in the audience prompted him to try to clarify by saying: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
Observing the laughter in the audience, he realized his mistake, but floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language by correcting triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
July 22, 2010 - Bonds of Matrimony
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
July 16, 2010 - Australia Q & A
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website: the answers were also there!
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come dressed in medieval costume.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come dressed in medieval costume.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
14. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
15. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
16. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by dressing in medieval costume before you go out walking.
18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
July 15, 2010 - Enthusiasm
I was the new coach of a Little League baseball team and had not yet learned the names of my players.
At our first game I called each boy by the number on his uniform. When I yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," Jeff Smith came to the plate. When I called for "Number 7," Steve Heinz jumped up. Then I yelled for "Number 1" but no one emerged from the dugout. Again I called for Number 1. Still no one came forward.
As the umpire looked on, annoyed at this delay of the game, I shouted; "Who's Number 1?"
That's when the whole team yelled, "We are, Coach! We are!"
July 14, 2010 - For Better or Worse
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
July 13, 2010 - Coyote / Flea
What is the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.
July 12, 2010 - Silent Monastery
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said,"Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
July 7, 2010 - Found Money
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.
There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
July 6, 2010 - Age
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. Mine says I'm four to six.'
July 5, 2010 - Vegetarians
"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?"
July 2, 2010 - Chinese Knitting
Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Peyton Manning is to football. She designed exotic patterns with ease.
There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the handwritten menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked it in her purse.
Some months later I saw the result - a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.
She received compliments galore until at one party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.
"I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."
Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish - but good."
July 1, 2010 - Typing a Story
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. =2 0 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.