June 30, 2010 - Heart-healthy Diet
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out."
June 29, 2010 - Late at Walmart
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.""Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.What did they say if you came in late there?""They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"
June 28, 2010 - Heavenly Resemblance
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.
June 25, 2010 - Looking Back
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
June 24, 2010 - Doody Strategy
A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while."Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone doody yet."Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"
June 23, 2010 - Yard Sale
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed
June 22, 2010 - Rapture Warning
"Stay clear of those folks, Martha; if they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road."
June 21. 2010 - Rock Star Finder
The best way to find a screeching rock star is with a Heavy Metal Detector.
June 18, 2010 - Missed Delivery
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?""I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"After apologizing, I got her parcel."Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!""What is it?" I asked."My husband's new hearing aid."
June 17, 2010 - Investments
I put all my money into taxes; that's the only thing that's sure to go up.
June 16, 2010 - Eye Exam
Eye-examination charts vary according to the manufacturer, but one thing they have in common is that they don't spell anything.One day a patient came into my office for an ophthalmological exam. I asked him to read the 20/40 line of the eye chart, but obviously the letters FZBDE were mostly a blur to him. Finally he ventured a guess."I can't pronounce his name," the man said, "but I think he played football for Notre Dame."
June 15, 2010 - Baseball Class
A professor at the Michigan State University was known for giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures.At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball plays to each hackneyed phrase.For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand," that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a strike out; "and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall, the students played inning after inning of silent but vigorous baseball.On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly.Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted as wondering why only half of the students had been enthusiastic about his lectures.
June 14, 2010 - No Hidden Sins
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky."You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
June 11, 2010 - Stationary
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.
June 10, 2010 - Losing New Balls
Morris had been playing golf for years. He always used the very finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.His friend Sam watched as he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand new ball into the woods. On the second hole, Morris drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods."Why don't you use an old ball?" Sam asked."I've never had an old ball," Morris said.
June 9, 2010 - Foundation
“A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.”
June 8, 2010 - Notary Public
Fellow employees at the international company where I work know I'm a notary public and have me certify personal documents.One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures on an automobile title."I'm selling my car to this man," one of them explained. "We came here because we heard you were notorious."
June 7, 2010 - Sidewalk Preacher
A sidewalk preacher stood on a soapbox downtown and started a rousing sermon on salvation, ending with, "Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand by me!"Half of those standing around joined the preacher, and he went on, raising his voice and fervor, again with the call, "Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand with me!"Half of those left came over and the preacher continued, ending again with the call to Heaven. This time, all but one man came over."Brother!" the preacher called, "Don't you want to go to Heaven when you die?"The man said, "Oh sure, when I die. I thought you were taking a load up now!"
June 4, 2010 - Sleeping in Church
“It was once said that if you took all of the people who fell asleep in church and laid them end-to-end they would be more comfortable.”
June 3, 2010 - Anyone Home?"
A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. Intrigued, she knocked on the door."Anybody home?"A child's voice answered, "Yep.""Is your father there?""Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in.""Well, is your mother there?""Nope, Ma left just before I got here.""Are you never together as a family?""Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"
June 2, 2010 - Fads
The clerk in a shoe store was trying hard to persuade his customer that a pair of uncomfortable shoes fit her."I'm telling you, these shoes are too pointed and too narrow," argued the customer."But, madam," replied the salesman, "everyone is wearing narrow, pointed shoes this season.""That may be," countered the customer, "but I'm still wearing my last season's feet."
June 1, 2010 - CD Generation
After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said."The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.