March 31, 2010 - Hospital Introduction
While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room, I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I usually refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a patient's room and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."
"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."
March 30, 2010 - Job Application
My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.
A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview, and she told me to bring my references."
March 29, 2010 - Fruit and Nuts
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
March 26, 2010 - Colors
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
March 25, 2010 - A Thought to Ponder
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should we?
March 24, 2010 - Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
March 23, 2010 - Mosquitoes
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
March 22, 2010 - Bedtime
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
March 19, 2010 - Thought for the Day
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
March 18, 2010 - Funny People
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
March 17, 2010 - Being a Grandparent
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
March 16, 2010 - Sermons
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
March 15, 2010 - Cuban Cellmates
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third.
"They said this proved I had an American watch."
March 12, 2010 - Forgetfulness
Bill's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see Dr. Mike Wilson.
Bill was a little worried when Doctor Wilson came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.
"Well," Bill answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
Doctor Wilson thought for a moment then answered, "Pay me in advance."
March 11, 2010 - Turkey Confession
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
March 10, 2010 - Cannibal Challenge
Three men were walking through the jungle when they were captured by cannibals. The cannibals thought they would be fair and give the men each one chance to be let free. They were released into the jungle to pick three of one type of fruit and come back to see the chief. After this the chief would tell them what to do.
The first man got three apples. The chief said, "Okay, you must swallow all three of these apples without gagging or chewing." The man got the first one in his throat, gagged, and died.
The second man came in with berries. The chief gave him the same task. The second man swallowed two with ease, gagged on the third one, and died.
Now these two men were up in heaven. The first man asked the second, "Why did you gag? You had berries! You could have lived!"
The second guy replied, "Yeah, but I almost laughed when I saw the third man coming with pineapples!"
March 9, 2010 - Biology Seminars
The marine biology seminars weren't for entertainment, but were created for educational porpoises.
March 8, 2010 - 10 Vet Bill Signs
10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing:
-- The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars.
-- The bill came with payment coupons.
-- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist.
-- "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"
-- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish.
-- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray.
-- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners.
-- You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic.
-- "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"
-- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing:
"We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."
March 5, 2010 - Honesty
Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work.
But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota."
We enlisted him the next day.
March 4, 2010 - Curfew
This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for anyone under seventeen years of age.
He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.
"Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven." His father said.
March 3, 2010 - Cooking Shows
On cooking shows, there is little margerine of error.
March 2, 2001 - Bagel Shop Student
"Hello Mrs. Frobisher" said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop.
My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.
"Yeah, you was my English teacher."
Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."
March 1, 2010 - 15 Exercises We'd Be Better Off Without in 2010
~ Jumping on the bandwagon
~ Wading through paperwork
~ Running around in circles
~ Pushing your luck
~ Spinning your wheels
~ Adding fuel to the fire
~ Beating your head against the wall
~ Climbing the walls
~ Beating your own drum
~ Dragging your heels
~ Jumping to conclusions
~ Grasping at straws
~ Fishing for compliments
~ Throwing your weight around
~ Passing the buck
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.