January 29, 2010 - Coast Guard Keeping
My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.
However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with her, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?"
"My house," Michelle said, "does not take 30-degree rolls."
January 28 - 2010 - Fulfilled Dreams
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, "If I could only see the world, I will marry you."' One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
He asked her, "Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: "Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine."
This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.
January 27, 2010 - Trip Tickets
Mr. and Mrs. Frobisher had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Frobisher.
"What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."
January 26, 2010 - Last Marathon
Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
January 25, 2010 - Government
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A homeowner went to the office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, copied it, and said, "Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request. "Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got organized."
January 22, 2010 - On Call
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for our card game," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
January 21, 2010 - Fishing
"Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.; give a man a stick of dynamite and soon the whole village will be strewn with mud, seaweed, and unidentifiable chunks of fish.
January 20, 2010 - Sea Counseling
One afternoon The Sea rolled into the office of Dr. Alfred Werner, clinical psychologist.
The doctor smiled; he hadn't seen his old friend in ages. "Well, well! Long time no sea! How are you doing?"
"Swell," replied the Sea saltily.
"Then what, Pacifically, is the problem?"
"Well," the Sea swished sadly, "I'm getting tired of just going in and out every day, in and out, in and out, in and--"
"I understand," Dr. Werner interrupted hastily, "but I fear there's nothing to be done about it. For you see, my friend, you're just fit to be tide."
January 19, 2010 - Cookie Calories
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies.
"Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"
"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.
The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"
"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
January 18, 2010 - Negotiation
My mother began getting calls from people who misdialed the similar number of a new computer repair business. Mom, who had had her number for years, asked the owner of the company to have the number changed. He refused. The calls kept coming day and night.
Finally, Mom began telling the people who called that the company had gone out of business. Within a week, the computer repair company voluntarily changed its number.
January 15, 2010 - Smoke Detector Lesson
One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
January 14, 2009 - Generations
"When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. She asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?"
Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil."
Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Mark.
"Mr. Evans, our computers have a lot of automotive data," she explained, "but it's never heard of a Ford Fossil."
January 13, 2010 - Sewing Lesson
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.
After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
January 12, 2010 - Doctor's Orders
"You're going out to play golf again?" Dewey’s wife complained.
"I'm only doing under doctors orders."
"Do I look stupid to you?!"
"But it’s true," he said, while walking out the door. "Dr. Wilson told me specifically that I should get some iron every day."
January 11, 2010 - Counting the Days
A fellow cop from our precinct had only a few months left on the job, and he could always be heard ticking off the weeks, days, hours, and minutes.
Our chief was not amused. "I've been on the job for 43 years, and I've never counted off the days until I'm outta here," he said to me.
I couldn't help agreeing with him. "That's because everyone else is counting for you."
January 8, 2010 - Hard Work
I saw an interview on TV with an old farmer who won ten million dollars in the lottery.
Naturally he was asked what he was going do with all that money.
He scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."
January 7, 2010 - You Might Be a School Employee If
YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off."
YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.
YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.
YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
YOU might be a school employee if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.
YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, "Why is this kid like this?"
YOU might be a school employee if you would choose a tooth filling over a parent conference.
YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year.
January 6, 2010 - Auto Accidents
Most auto accidents are caused by mechanical faults - like the loose nut behind the steering wheel.
January 5, 2010 - Shrinking Clothes
"Amazing - you hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!"
January 4, 2010 - Dryer Message
As a lobbyist in Washington, DC, I'd just finished up a meeting with a Congressman when I stopped to use the restroom.
After washing my hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed that someone had taped a note to the machine.
The note said, "Push button for message from Congress."
January 1, 2010 - Excuses For Missing Work
~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.