Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2010

December 31, 2010 - Moth or Man
A man walked into the doctor’s office.  The doctor asks him, “How can I help you today?”  The man answers, “Well doc, I have a problem.  You see...I think I’m a moth.”  The doctor replied, “I’m not sure I can help you sir.  I’m only a general practitioner.  Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?”  The man answers, “Actually, I on my way there, but I was walking by and saw your light on.”


December 30, 2010 - Complaining Husband - a poetic note
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.


December 29, 2010 - Information and Doctors
A sweet grandmother telephoned the local Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. Oooooh That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

"No, I'm Holly Finkel in room 302.....and that Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"


December 28, 2010 - Computer Replacement
Important Memo from Headquarters - Computer Replacement
Corporate has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support.

The goal is to remove all computers from the office by the end of the month. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. Here are the main advantages:

1. Simpler controls
2. No technical glitches (i.e. crashes)
3. Better time management due to upgraded Technical Support (see below)


December 27, 2010 - Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.


December 24, 2010 - The Philistine and the Tailpipe
A Philistine was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.  His car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that he was a Philistine, so he decided to have some fun. He told him just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the Philistine went home, got down on his hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe.  Nothing happened.  So he blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

His roommate, another Philistine, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first Philistine told him how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled his eyes and said, "Hellooo!  You need to roll up the windows first."


December 23, 2010 - A Few of Life’s Unanswered Questions - Part 1
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?


December 22, 2010 - The Resourceful Nun
A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said:

"I know that it is said that Jesus turned Water into Wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

December 21, 2010 - Concrete
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


December 20, 2010 - Need a Better Pastor
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.


December 17, 2010 - Perfect Church
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.


December 16 - 2010 - Opportunity
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.


December 15, 2010 - At Your Wit's End
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.


December 14, 2010 - Purpose
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

December 13, 2010 - And More What is a Grandparent?
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh”, he said, “she lives at the airport, ad when we want her, we just go get her. Then we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

December 10, 2010 - More What is a Grandparent?
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

December 9, 2010 - What is a Grandparent?
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

December 8, 2010 - Children's Logic

'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.'  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked.  'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'


December 7, 2010 -Slow Down Therapy - 2
- Once in a while, turn down the lights, the volume, the throttle, the invitations. Less really can be more.

- Let go. Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do - but often it is the best.

- Take a walk - but don't go anywhere. If you walk just to get somewhere, you sacrifice the walking.

- Count your friends. If you have one, you are lucky. If you have more, you are blessed. Bless them in return.

- Count your blessings - one at a time and slowly.

December 6, 2010 - Slow Down Therapy - 1
- Take a day off alone; make a retreat. You can learn from monks and hermits without becoming one.

- Pet a furry friend. You will give and get the gift of now.

- Work with your hands. It frees the mind.

- Take time to wonder. Without wonder, life is merely existence.

- Sit in the dark. It will teach you to see and hear, taste and smell.

December 3, 2010 - Stress
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.


December 2, 2010 - Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support:
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with ‘60 minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"


December 1, 2010 - Confidence
Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation.

November 2010

November 30 - 2010 - Typing Test
A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."


November 26, 2010 - Good News Dewey
Olga phoned her husband, Dewey, at work for a chat.


November 19, 2010 - Altar Call
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.


November 18, 2010 - Experience
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


November 17, 2010 - Long Marriages
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."


November 16, 2010 - The Patch
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


November 15, 2010 - Importance
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.


November 12, 2010 - Professor Turns Plumber
A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"


November 11 2010 - Untouched for 600 Years
A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."


November 10, 2010 - Resignation Letter
Asked why she was leaving her position, a secretary explained in her letter of resignation:

"Dear Boss, My reason for leaving will soon be apparent - and so will I.

Signed: Mary."


November 9, 2010 - Mondays
You may not like Mondays, but they are one-seventh of your life.


November 8, 2010 - Hesitation
He who hesitates is not only lost but is miles from the next exit.


November 5, 2010 - Experts
On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent education seminars she conducted.

The elderly woman sitting next to Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her 6 children, 18 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what Mary did for a living.

Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting the elderly woman to question her for free professional advice.

Instead the elderly woman sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."


November 4, 2010 - Tailing Truck
A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town with his girlfriend. The truck matched them turn for turn, down every street.

My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window, and glared into his car.

After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that was my daughter."


November 3, 2010 - Terror Cells in Church
Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.

However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ, to return.

NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!

(However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)


November 2, 2010 - CD Sleeves
My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.

During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.

Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"

The electrician took a break.


November 1, 2010 - Answering Machine Callbacks
I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.

The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered. After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. A second time and the same result.

Then the phone rang a third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."

October 2010

October 29, 2010 - Medical Bill Call
Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."

She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"


October 28, 2010 - Children Shopping
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots.

"Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"

"At the store," she answered.

"Which one?" I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."


October 27, 2010 - Recall

Today on the way to work, I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall." It actually should have read "Beef Recall." The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States. Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death.

Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?


October 26, 2010 - Artist's Sketch
Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.

On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.


October 25, 2010 - Check My Leg
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!"

The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this."

"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged.

The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks. Please!!"

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here."

The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."


October 22, 2010 - Water
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.


October 21, 2010 - The King's Highway
Once a king had a great highway built for the members of his kingdom. After it was completed, but before it was opened to the public, the king decided to have a contest. He invited as many as desired to participate. Their challenge was to see who could travel the highway the best.

On the day of the contest the people came. Some of them had fine chariots, some had fine clothing, fine hairdos, or great food. Some young men came in their track clothes and ran along the highway. People traveled the highway all day, but each one, when he arrived at the end, complained to the king that there was a large pile of rocks and debris left on the road at one spot and this got in their way and hindered their travel.

At the end of the day, a lone traveler crossed the finish line warily and walked over to the king. He was tired and dirty, but he addressed the king with great respect and handed him a bag of gold. he explained, "I stopped along the way to clear a pile of rocks and debris that was blocking the road. This bag of gold was under it all. I want you to return it to its rightful owner."

The king replied, "You are the rightful owner."

The traveler replied, "Oh no, this is not mine. I've never known such money."

"Oh yes," said the king, "you've earned this gold, for you won my contest. He who travels the road best is he who makes the road smoother for those who will follow."


October 20, 2010 - Two Keys
Two keys were hanging in the undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other one was for the flower car in the garage.

Two small signs were above the keys; one read "Hymn" and the other "Hearse."


October 19, 2010 - Tattoo Call

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."

I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.

Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't need a tattoo!"


October 18, 2010 - People and Mistakes
People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
make less mistakes
People who do no work...
make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted
That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work.
I need a promotion


October 15, 2010 - Brand Name Cereal
General Mills makes Corn Chex, Rice Chex, etc.

If the Post company bought these brands, then I have a new product for them.

Take some Wheat Chex, add pieces of fresh dates and a little cinnamon and sugar, and voila!

New, Post Dated Chex!


October 14, 2010 - Wrinkles
You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.


October 13, 2010 - Wrong Number
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.

It could be a right number.


October 12, 2010 - Knowledge Pills

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom. He brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replies, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."


October 11, 2010 - Pet Chiropractor
What do you call a chiropractor for pets?

An animal cracker


October 8, 2010 - Following the Crowd
Once a spider built a beautiful web in an old house. He kept it clean and shiny so that flies would patronize it. The minute he got a "customer" he would clean up on him so the other flies would not get suspicious. Then one day this fairly intelligent fly came buzzing by the clean spider web.

Old man spider called out, "Come in and sit."

But the fairly intelligent fly said, "No, sir. I don't see other flies in your house, and I am not going in alone!"

But presently he saw on the floor below a large crowd of flies dancing around on a piece of brown paper. He was delighted! He was not afraid if lots of flies were doing it. So he came in for a landing.

Just before he landed, a bee zoomed by, saying, "Don't land there, stupid! That's flypaper!"

But the fairly intelligent fly shouted back, "Don't be silly. Those flies are dancing. There's a big crowd there. Everybody's doing it. That many flies can't be wrong!"

Well, you know what happened. He died on the spot. Some of us want to be with the crowd so badly that we end up in a mess.

What does it profit a fly (or a person) if he escapes the web only to end up in the glue?


October 7, 2010 - Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right; everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...


October 6, 2010 - Management vs. Solutions
After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."


October 5, 2010 - Makeovers
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.

I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."


October 4, 2010 - Driving Around
I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror.... shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he's halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.


October 1, 2010 - Buffalo
Back in the 1960s, one animal rights group was outraged that open season had been declared on the great American buffalo to help thin the herd in and near some of our national parks. They began herding the buffalo (by helicopter) into holding pens. The buffalo would then be loaded onto railroad cars and shipped to places where there were no buffalo.

One very smart buffalo named Gus decided that the holding pen was not the place for him, so he staged a mutiny.

Gus and ten of his fellow buffalo decided to make a break for it. They burst the gate of the holding pen and were free at last.

Early the next morning, they heard the sound of helicopters, so they hid. Deciding it was too dangerous to stay in the park area, they headed south, toward Dallas, Texas. Grazing was not so good, so they came on farther south toward Houston.

While at the Johnson Space Center, they learned about Cape Canaveral. The pictures were great: plenty of water, plenty of grass, and no helicopters. Gus and his friends headed for Florida.

They found the Cape and grazed to their hearts' content each day. As they grazed, a rocket was being readied for launch on a nearby pad. The order came for the area to be evacuated of all living animals.

Gus and his friends continued to graze. To get them out of the area (for their own safety), NASA sent in helicopters to round up the buffalo. Gus and his friends recognized the sound and began running. They took cover under the rocket. They saw a man walking near the pad, so they climbed the tower and into the top stage of the rocket, which was about to go into orbit.

Since no one knew where the buffalo were, NASA assumed they were clear of the area and continued the countdown.

As the rocket lifted off, Gus and his friends became the "First herd shot around the world."

September 2010

September 30, 2010 - Raising Children
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!


September 29, 2010 - Thomas
A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby.

As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, Thomas. Don't get excited, Thomas. Don't yell, Thomas."

A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little Thomas."

"Lady," he declared, "I'M THOMAS!"


September 28, 2010 - Military Inspection

The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. "Airman," he bellowed, "what do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?"

The startled airman replied, "Button it, sir!"

The colonel looked him in the eye and said, "Well?"

At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel's shirt pocket.


September 27, 2010 - A Thought to Ponder
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


September 24, 2010 - Management vs. Solutions

After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."


September 23, 2010 - Haley's Comment
The junior high school teacher was giving her students a test on American history.

One question was, "Who said, 'I regret that I have but one life to give to my country'?"

A youngster answered, "Nathan Haley said it. The saying is now known as Haley's Comment."


September 22, 2010 - Salesman Stop By
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.

"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."

"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"

"Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache."


September 21, 2010 - Slow Down Therapy
1. Slow down; God is still in heaven. You are not responsible for doing it all yourself, right now.

2. Remember a happy, peaceful time in your past. Rest there. Each moment has richness that takes a lifetime to savor.

3. Set your own pace. When someone is pushing you, it's OK to tell them they're pushing.

4. Take nothing for granted: watch water flow, the corn grow, the leaves blow, your neighbor mow.

5. Taste your food. God gives it to delight as well as to nourish.

6. Notice the sun and the moon as they rise and set. They are remarkable for their steady pattern of movement, not their speed.

7. Quit planning how you're going to use what you know, learn, or possess. God's gifts just are; be grateful and their purpose will be clear.

8. When you talk with someone, don't think about what you'll say next. Thoughts will spring up naturally if you let them.

9. Talk and play with children. It will bring out the unhurried little person inside you.

10. Create a place in your home...at your work...in your heart...where you can go for quiet and recollection. You deserve it.

11. Allow yourself time to be lazy and unproductive. Rest isn't luxury; it's a necessity.

12. Listen to the wind blow. It carries a message of yesterday and tomorrow - and now. NOW counts.


September 20, 2010 - Medical News

Dr. Mike Wilson asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Wilson says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."


September 17, 2010 - Listening

My husband says I never listen to him; at least I think that's what he said.


September 16, 2010 - And They Become One

When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


September 15, 2010 - Weight Loss
My doctor asked me if I'd thought about losing some weight and I told him I'd thought about it for 20 years.


September 14, 2010 - Solutions
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."


September 13, 2010 - Chow

"Chow looks wonderful," I told the mess sergeant, a large, intimidating man. "I'd love seconds."

"You'll get the same as everyone else," he growled as he chucked food on my tray. "Now move it!"

After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest in the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was the mess sergeant.

"It's all right, son," he said. "You can grab seconds."


September 10, 2010 - Bunch Of Laughs      
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven".  Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. W. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church in AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.  A young girl answered:  "Because they couldn't get a babysitter."

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  "What denomination?" Asked the clerk.  "Oh, good heavens!  Have we come to this?" said the woman.  "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

Pastor: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

Rev. H.J. Dick, pastor of Emmaus Mennonite Church in KS, came to the end of a very heavy day at the New Year's Eve midnight service.  Getting his tongue tangled, he announced, "Let us now stand and sing, Another Dear is Yawning."


September 9, 2010 - Worry
Worry is like a rocking chair; no matter how much you rock, you get nowhere.


September 8, 2010 - Learning Through Play
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."


September 7, 2010 - Atheist
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.


September 6, 2010 - 3rd Grade Assignment
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise." Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all. It was Mrs. Del Campo!"

What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.


September 3, 2010 - Mari's Voice
My friend Mari has a screechy voice that makes people queasy to hear it.

The other day she came over for dinner. I served squid.

After dinner she went out on the terrace and, observing a gorgeous sunset, she yelled in for the rest of us to come out and see it.

I felt suddenly nauseated. At first I thought it was something I had eaten.

Actually it was the call o' Mari.


September 2, 2010 - Mistakes
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.


September 1, 2010 - Math Symbols
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than ( > ) and a less-than sign ( < ) on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"

August 2010

August 31, 2010 - Balogna Fly
A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna.

The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.

Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly.

The moral of the story: Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.


August 30, 2010 - Doctor Scream
While sitting on the train one day, the man next to me started screaming, "Call me a doctor! Call me a doctor!"

I asked, "Are you sick?"

"No," he replied, "I just graduated from medical school."


August 27, 2010 - Finch Flush
When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches died. It was winter so we couldn't bury the bird, so I flushed it down the toilet. I didn't realize that he had seen me do this until I heard him crying behind me. Trying to make him feel better, I told him that his bird was with God now.

He stopped crying, looked at me a bit bewildered, and asked, "God is in the toilet?"


August 26, 2010 - Softball in Heaven?...

Two  90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been  friends all of their lives. When  it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited  her every day.

One  day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing  women's softball all our lives, and we played  all through High School. Please do me one favor:  when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball  there.'

Rose  looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said,  'Barb, you've been my best friend for many  years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed  on.

A  few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound  sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a  voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who  is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is  it?'

'Barb  -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're  not Rose. Rose just  died.'

'I'm  telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the  voice.

'Rose!  Where are you?'

'In  Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good  news and a little bad  news.'

'Tell  me the good news first,' said  Barb.

'The  good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball  in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who  died before us are here, too. Better than that,  we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And  best of all, we can play softball all we want,  and we never get  tired.'

'That's  fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest  dreams! So what's the bad  news?'

'You're  pitching Tuesday.'


August 25, 2010 - Restaurant Line
A well-put together, elderly gentleman left his Maserati Gran Turismo with the valet, entered the restaurant and asked to be seated at a table away from a lovely, well-dressed woman who appeared to be in her well-kept eighties.


August 24, 2010 - Saving and Losing
Nothing you will ever lose matters much if you save your soul; nothing you will ever save matters if you lose your soul.


August 23, 2010 - Court Wisdom
Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence. I'll hear from the oldest person first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.


August 20, 2010 - Big Toe Tingle
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Sure!" The doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands ... get a job!"


August 19, 2010 - Deep Water

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.


August 18, 2010 - Recycling
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight and walking toward the beach, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.


August 17, 2010 - Lit Match
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."


August 16, 2010 - Church Funeral
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sabbath the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial.

The funeral would be held the following Sabbath afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.


August 13, 2010 - Suspicion
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."

That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted; "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."


August 12, 2010 - The Bar vs. The Baptists

In a small midwestern conservative town, a business owner began to construct a building for a new bar. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however, right up until the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"


August 11, 2010 - Learning Curve
This insurance company's contract with a government agency had just expired, and a technician fielded the call from an agency bureaucrat reminding him that he needed to destroy the agency-provided software.

"I agreed that we would delete the software from the mainframe computer," said the tech.

The reply? "That's not good enough -- the software must be destroyed."

"How do you destroy software?" the tech asked. But the agency guy couldn't give specifics. "He just kept insisting that deleting the software was not enough -- we must destroy the software!"

The tech finally suggested that he copy the software onto a tape cartridge, have a steamroller roll over it, and send the flattened tape cartridge to the agency.

The steamroller was on site because a company was repaving the parking lot. The tech suggested the idea because of frustration with the construction in the parking lot -- and frustration with the government employee who did not seem to have a clue about the nature of software.

He put the flattened cartridge, at least all the pieces worth picking up, and the crushed tape into a padded envelope and mailed it to the government agency, to the bureaucrat's attention.

The tech received a sincere thank you from the agency.


August 10, 2010 - Career Training
The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk.

"Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.

The phone rang.

"Hello," said the clerk.

"Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.

The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told you everything I know!"


August 9, 2010 - Worst Decision Yet

A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that he went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it.

"Yeah, I'd say it's your worst decision yet," the plain-talking advisor replied.

Confused, the king asked, "Yet?"

To which the advisor replied, "Well, it's not so bad that I think you're incapable of making a worse decision."


August 6, 2010 - Cooking for Tom
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.


August 5, 2010 - Caught on the Job
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 A.M. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 A.M. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"


August 4, 2010 - New Bank Teller
First man: "I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."

Second man: "I thought they just hired a new teller last week."

First man: "Right. That's the one they're looking for."


August 3, 2010 - Family Cleaning
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom.

Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains.

It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."


August 2, 2010 - Changing Times
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies.

One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'"

He got his new dictionary.

July 2010

July 30, 2010 - Away From His Desk
As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"


July 29, 2010 - Password Problems
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."


July 28, 2010 - Name Confusion
Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."


July 27, 2010 - Perley Moore Buys a Truck
There was a farmer, Perley Moore, who had recently bought a truck and found that the "basic price" was only the beginning. Once the salesman had added on all the extras -- towing package, toolbox, fifth-wheel attachment, etc. -- the price was quite a bit higher. Well, by a strange turn of fate, that same salesman stopped by Perley's farm one day to buy a cow. The dealer examined the herd, picked out a likely specimen, and asked about the price.

"That's a hundred-dollar cow," Moore replied directly.

"That's fair enough," said the salesman. "I'll take her."

"Well, now, that's the basic price," Moore added, getting out pencil and paper. "There are one or two extras, of course." He made a few notes and handed the paper to the dealer. Here is the final invoice:

Basic cow: $100
Two-tone exterior: $45
Storage compartment and dispensing device: $60
Four spigots @ $10 each: $40
Genuine cowhide upholstery: $75
Dual horns @ $7.50 each: $15
Automatic fly-swatter: $35
Total: $370


July 26, 2010 - Anniversaries
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.


July 23, 2010 - Translation Tries
A Latin American minister was touring the U.S. in an effort to boost financial support for missionaries and ministries in his home country.

At a church luncheon, he was telling the guests about this home country, his family, and the important work being supported there. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

After a pause, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances in the audience prompted him to try to clarify by saying: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

Observing the laughter in the audience, he realized his mistake, but floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language by correcting triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"

July 22, 2010 - Bonds of Matrimony
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.


July 16, 2010 - Australia Q & A
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website: the answers were also there!

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come dressed in medieval costume.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come dressed in medieval costume.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

14. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

15. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

16. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by dressing in medieval costume before you go out walking.

18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


July 15, 2010 - Enthusiasm
I was the new coach of a Little League baseball team and had not yet learned the names of my players.

At our first game I called each boy by the number on his uniform. When I yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," Jeff Smith came to the plate. When I called for "Number 7," Steve Heinz jumped up. Then I yelled for "Number 1" but no one emerged from the dugout. Again I called for Number 1. Still no one came forward.

As the umpire looked on, annoyed at this delay of the game, I shouted; "Who's Number 1?"

That's when the whole team yelled, "We are, Coach! We are!"


July 14, 2010 -  For Better or Worse
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.


July 13, 2010 - Coyote / Flea

What is the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.


July 12, 2010 - Silent Monastery

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said,"Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."


July 7, 2010 - Found Money
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."


July 6, 2010 - Age
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.'  'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. Mine says I'm four to six.'


July 5, 2010 -  Vegetarians
"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?"


July 2, 2010 - Chinese Knitting
Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Peyton Manning is to football. She designed exotic patterns with ease.

There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the handwritten menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked it in her purse.

Some months later I saw the result - a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.

She received compliments galore until at one party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.

"I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish - but good."


July 1, 2010 - Typing a Story
 A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.  She told him she was writing a story.  'What's it about?' he asked. =2 0 'I don't know,' she replied.  'I can't read.

June 2010

June 30, 2010 - Heart-healthy Diet
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out."

June 29, 2010 - Late at Walmart
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.""Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.What did they say if you came in late there?""They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"

June 28, 2010 - Heavenly Resemblance
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?'  I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.

June 25, 2010 - Looking Back
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods.'  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.  At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

June 24, 2010 - Doody Strategy
A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while."Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone doody yet."Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"

June 23, 2010 - Yard Sale
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed

June 22, 2010 - Rapture Warning
"Stay clear of those folks, Martha; if they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road."

June 21. 2010 - Rock Star Finder
The best way to find a screeching rock star is with a Heavy Metal Detector.


June 18, 2010 - Missed Delivery
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?""I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"After apologizing, I got her parcel."Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!""What is it?" I asked."My husband's new hearing aid."

June 17, 2010 - Investments
I put all my money into taxes; that's the only thing that's sure to go up.

June 16, 2010 - Eye Exam
Eye-examination charts vary according to the manufacturer, but one thing they have in common is that they don't spell anything.One day a patient came into my office for an ophthalmological exam. I asked him to read the 20/40 line of the eye chart, but obviously the letters FZBDE were mostly a blur to him. Finally he ventured a guess."I can't pronounce his name," the man said, "but I think he played football for Notre Dame."


June 15, 2010 - Baseball Class
A professor at the Michigan State University was known for giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures.At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball plays to each hackneyed phrase.For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand," that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a strike out; "and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall, the students played inning after inning of silent but vigorous baseball.On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly.Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted as wondering why only half of the students had been enthusiastic about his lectures.


June 14, 2010 - No Hidden Sins
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky."You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

June 11, 2010 - Stationary
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.


June 10, 2010 - Losing New Balls

Morris had been playing golf for years. He always used the very finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.His friend Sam watched as he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand new ball into the woods. On the second hole, Morris drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods."Why don't you use an old ball?" Sam asked."I've never had an old ball," Morris said.


June 9, 2010 - Foundation
“A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.”

June 8, 2010 - Notary Public
Fellow employees at the international company where I work know I'm a notary public and have me certify personal documents.One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures on an automobile title."I'm selling my car to this man," one of them explained. "We came here because we heard you were notorious."


June 7, 2010 - Sidewalk Preacher
A sidewalk preacher stood on a soapbox downtown and started a rousing sermon on salvation, ending with, "Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand by me!"Half of those standing around joined the preacher, and he went on, raising his voice and fervor, again with the call, "Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand with me!"Half of those left came over and the preacher continued, ending again with the call to Heaven. This time, all but one man came over."Brother!" the preacher called, "Don't you want to go to Heaven when you die?"The man said, "Oh sure, when I die. I thought you were taking a load up now!"


June 4, 2010 - Sleeping in Church
“It was once said that if you took all of the people who fell asleep in church and laid them end-to-end they would be more comfortable.”


June 3, 2010 - Anyone Home?"
A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. Intrigued, she knocked on the door."Anybody home?"A child's voice answered, "Yep.""Is your father there?""Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in.""Well, is your mother there?""Nope, Ma left just before I got here.""Are you never together as a family?""Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"


June 2, 2010 - Fads
The clerk in a shoe store was trying hard to persuade his customer that a pair of uncomfortable shoes fit her."I'm telling you, these shoes are too pointed and too narrow," argued the customer."But, madam," replied the salesman, "everyone is wearing narrow, pointed shoes this season.""That may be," countered the customer, "but I'm still wearing my last season's feet."


June 1, 2010 - CD Generation
After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said."The whole CD?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "just one side."

May 2010

May 31, 2010
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'


May 28, 2010 - Dinner Invitation
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'


May 27, 2010 - Moral Lesson
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"


May 26, 2010 - Sleeping
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'


May 25, 2010 - Prayer for Forgiveness
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


May 24, 2010 - Christian Home

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'


May 21, 2010 -  A Better Boy
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'


May 20, 2010 - A 3 Year-old 's Prayer
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'


May 19, 2010 - CD Generation

After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.

Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said.

"The whole CD?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "just one side."


May 18, 2010 - Paycheck News
I was told by payroll that they're going to start garnishing my paycheck.

It seems pretty silly, but I guess if they want to start tossing some parsley and currants into the envelope every week, it's okay with me.


May 18, 2010 - Headfirst Entry
A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What just happened?" he demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the brick."


May 17, 2010 - More of Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement
The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.


May 14, 2010 - Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement
To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house.

Anything that you do can get you shot - including doing nothing!

You will be decorated for stupidity, and busted for brilliant work.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes the Chief's idea.

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.


May 13, 2010 - The Good Old Days
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them.


May 12, 2010 - Proper Attire

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."


May 11, 2010 - Even More New Computer Viruses You Should Know About      
THE LIBERAL VIRUS Before deleting all your files, this virus tells you: "That you don't need them anyway and they wouldn't want to be burdened with such overwhelming responsibilities as file maintenance."

AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around.  It warns you of impending hard disk attack -once if by LAN, twice if by C:\ POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident.  It'll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.


May 10, 2010 - More New Computer Viruses You Should Know About      
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.


May 7, 2010 - New Computer Viruses You Should Know About      
SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS Your programs can never be found again.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen.
It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.


May 6, 2010 - More Thoughts on Growing Old
~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.


May 5, 2010 - Thoughts on Growing Old
~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

~ You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.


May 4, 2010 - May 4, 2010 - More Sayings About Aging

~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

~ Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.


May 3, 2010 - Sayings About Aging
~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.  But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

~ There are three signs of old age.  The first is your loss of memory.  I forget the other two.

~ You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.

~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.  Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

~ You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

April 2010

April 30, 2010 - And Even More Sayings
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?


April 29, 2010 - And More Sayings
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Amazing!  You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.


April 28, 2010 - More Sayings
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.


April 27, 2010 -  A Few Sayings     
 
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.


April 26, 2010 - Why Parents Go Gray     
 
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.  He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "no."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.  "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:  "They're looking for me"


April 23, 2010 - Religious Lady On Plain      
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying.  Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do.  It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah.  Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know.  I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.


April 22, 2010 - The Woodcutter      
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard.  He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.  The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model.  This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees.  After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit.  He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.  "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself.  "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.  So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw.  "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.  I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem.  The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.  The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?


April 21, 2010 - Einstein At A Party      
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert.  "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe.  We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert.  "We can discuss politics and current affairs.  We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"


April 20, 2010 - Just A Kiss Per Yard      
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.  How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl.  "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.


April 19, 2010 - Singing Type
What kind of music do you sing?

Aqua-pella.


April 16, 2010 - Scared vs. Apprehension

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.

He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."


April 15, 2010 - Bricklayer's Insurance Claim      
I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working along on the roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over.  Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks.  You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down.  This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.  As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope!


April 14, 2010 - A Few More One Liners

*Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.

*Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

*Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.

*We do precision guesswork.

*My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

*'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

*A penny saved is a government oversight.

*Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

*Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.


April 13, 2010 - A Few One Liners
*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

*It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

* |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __The domino effect at work.

*Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

*Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

*The buck doesn't even slow down here!

*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

*The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.


April 12, 2010 - 30 Minutes To A Cleaner House     
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this is NOT for you. However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again.  Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.) Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to do any. Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING  This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rewear it. CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck. Time: 3 seconds

SECRET TIP 10: IRONING If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy. Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)

SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt. Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime. Time: 0

SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS Forget one and two. Concentrate on three. Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 15: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.


April 9, 2010 - Ice Fishing    
  
A gal named Jane wanted to go ice fishing.  She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.  Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, Jane  moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.  Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Jane, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.  The voice came once more.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"


April 8, 2010 - Reading At Lunchtime      
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.  He sat down on a bench and began eating.  Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.  Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo on both sides for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this junk?"


April 7, 2010 - Reasons Not To Wash
1.  I was forced to as a child.
2.  People who make soap are only after your money.
3.  I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4.  People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5.  There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6.  I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7.  None of my friends wash.
8.  The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9.  I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10.  I can't spare the time.


April 6, 2010 -3rd Grader's Explanation Of God   
    
One third grader's homework assignment to "Explain God."

One of God's main jobs is making people.  He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.  He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies.  I think because they are smaller and easier to make.  That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk.  He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers.  An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime.  God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this.  Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.  God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy.  So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God.  I don't think there are any in my city.  At least there aren't any who come to our church.  Jesus is God's Son.  He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God.  They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven.  So He did.  And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God.  Like a secretary only more important.  You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.  Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach.  This is wrong!
And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can.  It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.  But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you.  I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And that's why I believe in God."


April 5, 2010 - Three Expectant Fathers      
Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room.

The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins.  He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team.

A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets.  He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M.

The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going?  Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP.


April 2, 2010 - Talking Clock      
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.  BONG!

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU GOOBER!  It's two AM!"


April 1, 2010 - Something Nice For Dad     
 
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.  The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad.  So I rented him a tuxedo."