Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2009

December 31, 2009 - Lessons Learned
"One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in."


December 30, 2009 - Kitten Saga

The pastor of a local church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went BOING and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."


December 29, 2009 - The Law of the Garbage Truck
"One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, "Why did you just do that? That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage -- frustration, anger, disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.

Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."


December 28, 2009 - Toaster RequestWhen my son was two or three and learning the ways of American life, he watched me place some bread in both slots of our toaster so that it would be ready to cook just before serving.

Considering the opportunity, he pulled a chair to the counter and politely asked, "Mommy, may I flush the toaster?"


December 25, 2009 - Top Ten Signs You Might Have a Bad Furnace Repair Guy
10. His face permanently blackened like a cartoon bomb went off

9. Pushes his personal brand of 'pull start' furnaces

8. Dave Lennox beat him up once

7. Uses magnifying glass and really bright flashlight to try and re-light furnace

6. Assures you his new efficient furnace only emits "CO2 Lite"

5. The instruction manual he leaves behind just says, "Light fuse, get away"

4. Tools consist of duct tape, tin foil, and a rabbit's foot

3. Estimates your bill by shaking a bag of chicken bones

2. You notice his furnace filters all say "Mr. Coffee" on them

1. When firemen arrive, they all say his name in unison


December 25, 2009 - Who Is This Baby?
In chemistry, He turned water to wine.
In biology, He was born without the normal conception.
In physics, He disapproved the law of gravity when He ascended into heaven.
In economics, He disapproved the law of diminishing return by feeding 5,000 men with two fishes and 5 loaves of bread.
In medicine, He cured the sick and the blind without administering a single dose of drugs.
In history, He is the beginning and the end.
In government, He said that he shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace.
In religion, He said no one comes to the Father except through him; So. Who is He? He is Jesus! The greatest man in history.

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.
He had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
He had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.


December 24, 2009 - A Gift of Diamonds

Morris ran into Jacob while shopping at the mall the other day in front of one of the jewelry stores. Noticing a conspicuously small gift wrapped box in his hand, Morris asked if was a gift for Jacob's wife Becky.

Jacob told Morris, "With Christmas coming up, I asked Becky what she wanted and she said, "Oh, I don't know just give me something with lots of diamonds in it."

"So what did you get her?" Morris asked.

Jacob smiled and replied, "I bought her a deck of cards."


December 23, 2009 - Christmas Cookie Rules...
1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!


December 22, 2009 - Got Everything?"
"Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window.

"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."


December 21, 2009 - Doctor! Doctor!
A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he was 13?"


December 18, 2009 - Phone Automation
 "If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now - if you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone."


December 17, 2009 - Prison Break
The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.”

The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police.

With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first ­ it looks as if it might be measles.


December 16, 2009 - Enlisting Choices
"Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."

"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."

"But I don't want to be a pilot."

"You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."

Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either."


December 15, 2009 - Wedding Song
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her on organ and him singing.

During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me."

Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before.

The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."


December 14, 2009 - The Old Days
A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week.

She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. I burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?"


December 11, 2009 - Forklift Economy
After being laid off from three jobs in the past year, Dewey was hired to work in a warehouse.

Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Dewey, but I'm going to have to withhold 10 percent of each of your paychecks until we back the damage."

"How much will it cost?" Dewey asked.

"About $5,000," the owner replied.

"Finally!" Dewey exclaimed. "Job security!"


December 10, 2009 - Traffic Court
The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?'"


December 9, 2009 - Thoughts On Genealog
~ Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

~ I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.

~ Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

~ Searching for lost relatives? Win the lottery!

~ Do I even WANT ancestors?

~ Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living.

~ Every family tree has some sap in it.

~ Friends come and go, but relatives tend to accumulate.

~ Genealogists never die, they just lose their roots.

~ Genealogy: A haystack full of needles. It's the threads I need.

~ Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools.

~ I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.

~ Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related


December 8, 2009 - A Survivor
"I've had laryngitis, tonsillitis, hepatitis, meningitis, appendicitis, tendinitis, and colitis. I've also suffered from gastritis, bronchitis, gingivitis, bursitis, and arthritis.

I've been held up, held down, hung up, strung up, stood-up, bulldozed, bloody-nosed, blackjacked, hijacked, squeezed, frisked, and mooched. Stuck with excess profits tax, personal property tax, utility tax, inheritance tax, sales tax, school tax, gasoline tax, income tax, excise tax, surtax, liberty bonds, savings bonds, a couple of bail bonds, and the bonds of matrimony.

I've helped the Red Cross, the White Cross, and often been double-crossed. Helped the Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, and a few Talent Scouts. Helped children's hospitals, mental hospitals, VA hospitals, spoke out for civil rights, women's rights, animal rights, men's relief, and stomach relief.

I have worked for a dog, and worked like a dog, and still lost all I had. I've been set aside, pushed aside, hit broadside, and had to sit outside. Demoted and misquoted. Walked on, jumped on, dumped on, rained on, snowed on, stomped on, spit on, cut on, and ratted on.

I've been put off, ran off, and ripped off. Intimidated, interrogated, berated, separated, and violated. I've been cussed, and discussed, boycotted, stunned, shunned, and shocked. Criticized, despised, ostracized, victimized, brutalized, capsized, analyzed, and ill-advised. Slapped, trapped, and wire-tapped. I've been used, abused, bruised, refused, confused, but never excused. Talked about, lied about, lied to, bawled out, chewed out, kicked out, knocked out, but never bailed out.

I've been assailed, derailed, and blackmailed. Scammed, slammed, burned, stung, stoned, robbed, cheated, booed, sued, misconstrued, and almost drowned.

And the only reason I'm sticking around is...???

I just want to see what's gonna happen next!"


December 7, 2009 - Get Me Out!
My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.

When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.

A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"

"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."

"They did," said the voice.


December 4, 2009 - Retirement
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car.

"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."

He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."


December 3, 2000 - Cherokee 180
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for a second one."


December 2, 2009 - Wild Game
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.

I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."


December 1, 2009 - Retirement
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."