November 30, 2009 - 62nd Birthday
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was and I told him, "Sixty-two."He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, "Did you start at one?"
November 27, 2009 - Lost Bible
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!""Not really," said the cow."Your name was written inside the cover."
November 26, 2009 - Keeping Secrets
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret.""I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.""You'll let it out some day," the man insisted."I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
November 25, 2009 - Raise Request
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me.""Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?""The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
November 24, 2009 - Taking Down The Flag
My husband was serving his last few years of military service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were three branches of military reserve units at our last duty station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which is a very formal affair to watch.
November 23, 2009 - Public Speaking
The human brain is a wonderful thing: it starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
November 20, 2009 - Kitchen Cleaning
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
November 19, 2009 - Skipping Church
Lately Pastor Mike had grown weary from the demands of his growing church. He was getting very little sleep and a couple of deacons had really been putting him to the test.So, one beautiful Spring Sunday morning he decides that he would feel better with a relaxing round of golf. Pretending to be sick, he calls the deacons and informs them that he is sick and will not be able to make it that day. He scheduled in a guest speaker so everything was under control without him.As Pastor Mike was preparing to tee off on the first hole, the Archangel Michael looked over at God and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but what are you going to do? Pastor Mike called in to his deacons and said he was sick. He lied to them and to the church. And, he is skipping church all together. Shouldn't you punish him somehow for his behavior?""Sure," said the Father. "I'm going to make him hit a hole-in-one on every hole.""A hole-in-one on every hole?!" said Michael. "That's not punishment. That's a blessing. No one has ever done that and you're going to help this lazy, lying pastor score a hole-in-one on every hole? How is that punishment?!""Who's he gonna tell?"
November 18, 2009 - Posthumous Interest
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.A family member placed a call to Citibank:Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"Citibank: "Excuse me?"Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"Supervisor gets on the phone.Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"Citibank: (stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (lawyer info given)Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)After they get the fax ...Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"Citibank: "That might help."Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
November 17, 2009 - Consistency
A man goes to consult Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?""My fee is five hundred dollars," replies Dr. Wilson."Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!""In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred.""Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.""Well, then, could you afford two hundred?""Who has that kind of money?""Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?""I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it.""I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in San Diego if you have no money?""Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!"
November 16, 2009 - Road Crew Signs
While driving through South Carolina, I kept having to slow down for road repair crews.To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, "Let 'em work. Let 'em live."On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, "Let 'em finish!"
November 13, 2009 - Robber Visit
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
November 12, 2009 - Curiosity
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"
November 11, 2009 - Corn Problem
We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit.I said "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter".Se looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said "Mommy, what's a typewriter?"
November 10, 2009 - Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.One evening the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00am".The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.It said, "It is 5:00am, wake up!"
November 9, 2009 - Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
November 6, 2009 - Stocking up
Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying and he said, "Canned goods and ammunition."
November 5, 2009 - E-Mail Warning
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu ignore it.It's just Spam.
November 4, 2009 - Don't Smoke
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked."No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well.""You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
November 3, 2009 - Photo Radar
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.
November 2, 2009 - Diaper Change
"Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father."This baby's in serious need of a diaper change."
Looking baffled, the man replies, "But the package says it's good for 8 to 10 pounds!"
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.