October 30, 2009 - Fire Dog
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.'
October 29, 2009 - Grandmother memory
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
October 28, 2009 - Back Seat Accordion
An accordion player is driving home late one night after playing a concert. He's tired and hungry so he stops at an all-night diner for a bite to eat.Halfway through his meal he realizes that although he locked his car doors, his accordion is in the back seat, in plain sight!He rushes out to his vehicle but he is too late. The windows are already smashed and someone has thrown in two more accordions.
October 27, 2009 - Motoring Service
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
October 26, 2009 - Exercise
I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.
October 23, 2009 - New Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
October 22, 2009 - A Long Walk
One day after a nasty streak of bad weather, I asked my teenage son to take our dog for a long walk after school.When I came home from work, I found my son stretched out on the recliner, watching television.He had leash in hand while the dog trotted happily away on the treadmill.
October 21, 2009 - Prenatal Visit
A couple was making their first visit to Dr. Mike Wilson prior to the birth of their first child.After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.
October 20, 2009 - Adoption
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.A little girl said, "I know all about adoption, I was adopted.""What does it mean to be adopted?", asked another child"It means", said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!"
October 19, 2009 - Earthquake Theory
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
October 16, 2009 -Chopsticks
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request.""But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks.""True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
October 15, 2009 - Mystery
One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked."Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."
October 14, 2009 - Valedictorian
At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian.He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian, and his sister was also valedictorian.He paused, leaned back in his chair and said, "Looks like the end of an era!"
October 13, 2009 - Flu Differences
What's the difference between Bird 'Flu and Swine 'Flu?
For one you need Tweetment and for the other Oinkment.
October 12, 2009 - New Pet
A man was driving down a country road when he saw a baby pig along side the road. He stopped and picked it up and headed home to the city with his new found pet. As the man drove home, the piglet jumped up on the shelf in the back window and paced back and forth - creating quite a distraction for passing motorists.After entering the city limits, a cop saw this pulled the car over."Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?", the cop askedThe driver replied, "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field so I thought he'd make a great pet."The cop responded, "I want you to take that pig to the zoo!"The driver agreed and drove off.The next day the cop saw the guy driving around with the pig in the back window again and pulled him over."WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!!" he yelled."Well, I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."
October 9, 2009 - No Gun Hunting
There's this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.
The other hunters are very curious. "How you gonna get a bear without a gun?" they ask.
"Do you have a knife?"
"No," says the guy.
"Do you have a club?"
"No," says the guy.
"Don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see."
The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.
Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.
Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, "Open the cabin door! Open the door!"
They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too.
Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, "You skin that one. I'll go get another."
October 8, 2009 - Empty Nests
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.
One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
October 7, 2009 - Children
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
October 6, 2009 - A Bear, a Lion and a Pig
A bear, a lion, and a pig meet. I know what your thinking they eat the PIG...NO
The bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
The lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
The pig says, "Big deal....I only have to cough, and the entire planet goes into mass panic."
October 5, 2009 - Dirty Hands in Class
A teacher sees a student entering the classroom, his hands are very dirty.
She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"
Smiling the boy replied, "I think I would be too polite to mention it."
October 2, 2009 - Toy Advice
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said. "It's YOUR child!"
October 1, 2009 - I'm Not Old - I'm Just Mature
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old...just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take...your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old...I'm only mature.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.