Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

July 2008

July 31, 2008 - Odd Facts
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What distinguishes "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count until you found the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on what day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.


July 30, 2008 - Office Visit
A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers and a scuba mask.
The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."


July 29, 2008 - Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement
New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.
You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.
Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.
Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.
Bullet proof vests might be.
Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.


July 28, 2008 - Ice Cream Order
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"


July 25, 2008 - Wake Up!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said...

"It is 5:00 am, wake up!"


July 24, 2008 - 50 Years from Now
Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"


July 23, 2008 - Twins
A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked, "Are those girls twins?"

"Actually they're triplets," I said. "They have a brother at home."

"Wow," she replied. "They sure look like twins to me."


July 22, 2008 - Eternity
A number of years ago my wife and I were living in Arkansas, where I was pastoring a church.

Some friends came from Texas to visit. We drove them around to see the country side and drove by a country church that had a cemetery adjoining.

This couple had twin boys about the age of 5 and as we passed the cemetery one of the boys said,

"Look at all those birth stones."


July 21, 2008 - Sorting Letters
Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he would be an extra set of hands.

The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur.

Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."


July 18, 2008 - Forgiveness
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and forgotten."
July 17, 2008 - Rain or Shine
It was raining quite hard as U.S. Marine trainees assembled outdoors for a briefing. On a blackboard, the lieutenant instructor had prepared a detailed drawing of the tactics he wanted practiced.

"Don't think we're going to call this off just because of a little rain," he said.

Then he turned to the blackboard which had been washed clean.


July 16, 2008 - Pants
Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them."


July 15, 2008 - Under the Bed Fear
John went to a psychiatrist: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?" John asked warily.

"Each visit is $150," replied the doctor.

"Well, I'll sleep on it."

Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"

"Well, one hundred and fifty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!"

"Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


July 14, 2008 - Trust
As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"


July 11, 2008 - Bosses Night
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"


July 10, 2008 - Menu Question
My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA.

Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied, "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."


July 9, 2008 - Morning Tea
Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said,

"It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"


July 8, 2008 - Health Benefits Of Being Overweight
A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.


July 7, 2008 - Lightning Driving
Two men were talking. One says to the other, "My wife drives like lightning."

His friend asked, "She drives fast?"

"No, she hits trees."


July 4, 2008 - Dog Calls
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .  "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."


July 3, 2008 - Drug Store Questions
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."

Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."

Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."


July 2, 2008 - Want that Cart?
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."


July 1, 2008 - Summer Job Hunt
My brother want me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates.
Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper.

I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.

He said, "A self-starter!"