May 30, 2008 - Graveside Observation
A newly widowed man stood at the cemetery next to his wife's casket. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
May 29, 2008 - Dress Try
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.
May 28, 2008 - Waiting for Dark
Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, "Is it dark yet?"
May 27 2008 - Put Him Back
When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"
Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her brother was a gift from God.
She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand, Mommy. God didn't want him either."
May 26, 2008 - Revelation
My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.
Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"
May 23, 2008 - Punishment
Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time.
"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you still doing your folks' yard?"
"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a straight face.
I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.
May 22, 2008 - I Hope I'm Sick
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"
After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Jones?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
May 21, 2008 - Kids' Letters to the President
Dear Mr. President:
How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist. --Timoth, age 7 NY
What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot. --Kimberly, age 8, CT
Dear President Bush:
Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle. --Elizabeth, age 8 WA
What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble. --Ralph, FL
What does the vice president do all day? I have asked a lot of grownups and nobody knows the answer. --Shannon, age 8 ND
Dear President Bush:
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you. --Joey, age 8 PA
On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer is classified, I wouldn't be in trouble. --Martin, age 9 PA
Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets. --Michael, age 8 CA
May 20, 2008 - Tail Whacker
A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat. She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.
He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart."
She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.
"Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."
May 19, 2008 - Marriage Teachings
At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
May 16, 2008 - Prayer
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"
One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."
May 15, 2008 - One Hard Question
There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University. He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
The student was admitted to the University.
May 14, 2008 - Time Efficiency
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.
"Why not?" he was asked.
"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'"
"Did that save time?" one of the executives asked.
"Actually, yes," the expert answered, "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes."
May 13, 2008 - New Passport Photo
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.
"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."
May 12, 2008 - Bus Stop
Once there was couple traveling on a bus in a mountainous area. Close to their destination they decided to get off a bit early and enjoy a short walk the rest of the way.
After the couple got off the bus, it proceeded on its route but 100 feet later a huge boulder fell on the bus, crushing it and killing everybody on board.
Upon see this happen the couple said " We wish we were on that bus"
Why do you think they said that?
Think about it and then scroll down for the answer.
--------- Answer !!!! ---------
If the couple had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get off, the resulting time delay would have been avoided and the rock would have fallen after the bus had passed.
Remember and consider others in life.
May 9 2008 - Flight Observation
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
May 8, 2008 - Grouchiness
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
May 7, 2008 - First I Got
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."
Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"
Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling test."
May 6, 2008 - Birthing Spa
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candlelight. "What do you think?" she said.
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"
May 5, 2008 - Transcribing Confusion
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
May 2, 2008 - Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated
~ Never date anyone who is rude to the waiter/waitress.
~ Never date anyone who is rude to their mother.
~ If they have a tendency to be rude to you now, just wait.
~ If you date someone who doesn't share your standards, they'll lower yours.
~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
~ If he/she says you're too good for him/her, believe it.
~ If they have a tough time apologizing now, just wait.
~ Never date anyone who spends more time gazing into the mirror, than they spend gazing into your eyes.
May 1, 2008 - Glazier
My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.
"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.
The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.