March 31, 2008 - Fan Help
Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped me with chores around the house.
One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned into an all-day job.
"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.
"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think of me as the son you never had."
March 28, 2008 - 65 At Least
A policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, "sixty-five at least."
The woman replied: I don't think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.
March 27, 2008 - Found Wallet
While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA system:
"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer service counter?"
March 26, 2008 - Wallet Tip
Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him.
Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
March 25, 2008 - White Gloves
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
March 24, 2008 - Computer Repair
An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."
About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.
March 21, 2008 - Reality
On a tour of Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, the guide stopped and addressed the crowd. "Do you want to see what a real cave looks like?" he asked.
Of course, everyone said yes.
Without another word, he shut off all the lights.
March 20, 2008 - Horseshoe Look
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.
The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
March 19, 2008 - The Other Side
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough."
March 18, 2008 - Found Cell Phone
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
March 17, 2008 - Circles
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees.
“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” remarked one of the trainees.
“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”
March 14, 2008 - Dog Dance Lessons
This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he enrolls the pet in dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to class every week, but he sees no improvement. Finally, he takes the instructor aside and says, "I'm spending a fortune here. Why isn't my dog's dancing improving?"
"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can do. Your dog has two left feet."
March 13, 2008 - Invitation
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.
Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
March 12, 2008 - Tea Service
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
March 11, 2008 - Romance
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
March 10, 2008 - The End is Near
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
March 7, 2008 - Stocking Purchase
Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife."
The clerk asks, "Sheer?"
The man replies "No. She's in another store."
March 6, 2008 - Winter in Wisconsin
It's winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour
At 52 below!
Oh, how I love Wisconsin
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Wisconsin,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
March 5, 2008 - Physical Question
After getting a physical from my doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor said, "That's what puzzles me."
March 4, 2008 - Heredity
With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.
My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"
March 3, 2008 - Psychology Course
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.
"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.